Prologue
The town was in chaos, people were running everywhere and gunshots were sounding off in the distance. Perosk’s mother was dragging him towards the forest in a rush. Perosk was frightened of the disturbances around him, but he followed his mother willingly. “Who are those evil things, mommy?” Perosk asked.
“They are humans,” his mother replied, “humans are evil creatures, Perosk. They want to kill us.”
“Why mommy?”
Before his mother got a chance to answer, a human jumped out of a house they were passing. “Perosk,” his mother cried letting go of his paw, “run, get away from here quickly!” Perosk let go and ran for dead life, but he didn’t get far as he ran into a human walking out from an alley.
“Well, well, well,” said the human, “what do we have here? A young Anthro. You will make a fine exhibit in the Keriop.” The human grabbed Perosk’s hand and held it tight. “I’m your new master n...” before he could finish a sword emerged from his chest.
“You will not have my son, you bastard,” said his father as the human fell off the blade. “I’m sorry you had to see that Perosk.”
“Daddy, some of these men have mommy.”
“Dammit, stay here Perosk.” His father ran done the road from where Perosk came. All of a sudden a yell sounded form there and Perosk, against his father’s wishes ran back.
“Opiley,” Perosk heard his mother cry. When he got there got there, he saw the his father’s dead corpse with his mother crying over it. Slowly the human raised the gun to the back of my mother’s head and fired. She fell in a heap next to my mother.
That was seventeen years about . . .
I'm not sure about the last part. If it's not that good I'll remove it.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Mmkay, so it is way too rushed to really be able to enjoy anything. The characters and dialogue could definitely use some spicing up, and you definitely tell way too much which makes everything kind of plain, ya know? The idea was definitely very good I think and seemed to be interesting. Just pay attention to making your characters totally different people and remember to show not to tell...good luck with editing this and your future work, I think you could definitely do something awesome with this piece!
I would make the scene of the mother and father death longer. It seems way to sketchy for such tragic event.
Also, the sentences and language here seem kind of poorly thought out, like "the human fell off the sword," really colloquial language, not really fit for the fantasy that you are writing! The language should definitely be much more advanced for the type of fiction that this story is! Otherwise, this is good idea, pay attention to sentences and language, and your story will become excellent!
It's good. I can't say I liked it, because the story itself is very wicked and sad. I can't imagine the terrible action of the story!
I have several things that you should correct. I'll start with the more specific things and then pass to the general. And don't worry, it's good, but I think it could be better.
First, it sound awkward when you add the "and" after a comma. Instead you could say "The town was in chaos, people running everywhere, gunshots sounding off in the distance." Also, maybe you should change the "sounding off"... it sorts of unsohisticated and really kind of bothered me. Maybe..."The town was in chaos, people running everywhere, gunshots blasting off in the distance."
Repeated "Mommy" too many times in the piece. Say some other things, like "But why?" Not too critical.
I was kind of confused. Maybe "gushed through" will be better?
This paragraph goes way too fast. Lengthen it, include more descriptions, imagery, sentiments...
The prologue itself is good, but I didn't understand the last sentence. It's all very, very dramatic, but the drama seems too quick. It seems as if in the same two seconds the human was killed, the parents were killed too. And there isn't enough description, which basiclally means too much telling, not showing.
Another thing, related to the show not tell, is to use better words. There were several times in the piece where you needed to change some wording, and I did not show you all of them.
Some spelling/sentence mistakes. And another major thing: make the characters 3D. Add some power to their stride, make them think, make them question, add some background--don't just start off in the middle! Include something like "Perosk didn't want to meet another human again in his life: he has already seen too much, felt too much of agony..."
Hope I helped!
Sup Pendragon.
I think this is telling too much.
His mother's death isn't very well described in my opinion.
Ok first off. The problem with this story is that it tells too much. It just feels rushed and doesn't give the reader a good picture in his/her mind.
You're characters are flat and boring. You didn't really distinguish your characters well and well, I got bored reading this. The dialogue seems as if it was just placed there. It didn't seem to link to the characters and the story well.
The story was also short and the last line stinked. It was seventeen years ago. The ending should be nice and sharp.
My advice is to try spend more time on this. Expand on the details of the piece and give more life to your characters.