Chapter 1
Perosk
Perosk looked around the village from his seat on the roof of a building, but he took in nothing: his mind was elsewhere. The stone beneath his paws was as hot as burning coals in the afternoon heat. He jumped down to the ground and landed as nimbly as a cat. “Dammit, Perosk,” said a surprised voice behind him. “You nearly scared the crap out of me.”
Perosk flipped around to see Yeron, a Grey Wolf visiting from a neighboring village. Yeron wore nothing but his black pants on this hot day. Only his fur covered his torso. “Sorry ‘bout that, Yeron,” said Perosk. “That roof was gettin’ too hot for my paws to handle.” Perosk turned around and started to walk off but was called back by Yeron.
“Perosk,” he said, “I’m heading back to my village tomorrow and you’re Village Elder’s asked me to take you with me.”
“Why?” Perosk asked, with a hint of frustration in his voice.
“I don’t know. A messenger was sent to me from them and asked if I could take you with me. I will if you wish to come.”
“I’ll tell you tonight at the feast,” Perosk said trying to keep his calm. This has somethin’ to do with what happened last week, he thought angerly. “I’ll see you later then.” He stormed away before Yeron could say good-bye. He must think somethin’ is wrong with me.
Perosk walked through the busy Fox Village. Everyone greeted him, but he did return the greeting as he pushed his way towards the Village Center where the Elder’s lived. He walked across the threshold of the Elder’s living quarters and banged on the door of the Elder he knew was responsible for this. “Tolen! Open this damn door!” Perosk yelled.
He stopped as the door opened a crack as a greying old Fox in bright red robes appeared behind it. “Perosk,” said Telon said, opening the door fully. “Calm down. You sound like a human was after you.”
“What do you think you’re doin’ sendin’ me away with Yeron?”
“Perosk. Perosk, I send you away for your own--”
“My own good!” Perosk yelled. “You think what happened to me last week affected me!” He grabbed Telon’s robes and shaking his robes violently. He pushed Telon and backed away towards the door. “My parent’s parting will not ruin my life.”
“Don’t let it. Go with Yeron to the Wolf Village, forget about the Fox Village for now. Forget about the death’s you had to live through, do not let them haunt you.”
“I will go,” Perosk said in defeat, “but only to get away from you.”
“Good. Go with my blessing and forget last week, at least for now.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Alright, here I come! Lol, well, here comes the critique you've asked for.
Very nice!
Be careful. Do you want modern day slang in your fantasy story? I honestly don't think it belongs and we should find another way around them.
Rewrite this so the second and third sentences aren't info-dumping. Perosk turned around to see the Gray Wolf, Yeron, standing in his black pants. Perosk wondered what he was doing here, since Yeron didn't live here in a fox village.
Good job!
"Why?" Perosk asked through clenched teeth. Ja, nein?
"They sent a messenger to ask if I could bring you with me. I won't force you to come if you don't want to, though."
Again, you best consider your curses. Either make up a new one to fit your civilization, or try to get around them.
Wait, were they outside? Or inside? who backed toward the door and why? Rewrite this.
Good...that Perosk wants to get away from the Elder? Or good that he's leaving?
Overall, good job!
It'll be interesting to find out! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
I agree that you should explain that this Perosk is a fox, but i mean, if he lives in a fox village hes not going to be a bloody rabbit is he? but yes, this story has great potential and i'd like to hear more!
this was good...it was short, so not much to edit, i don't think, and i have to go eat lunch, but i'm curious...are they foxes? you never explain anything but "fox village". i think it's a good story, has potential, your writing style is good, blah, blah, blah. just one thing, at the end of paragraph one, ditch the "nearly". just say "you scared the crap outta me!" there were a few places where you needed to add commas, but i'll get to that later.
keep writing!