Haven't been on a while and this is the first time I got to work on this. I couldn't find the outline so I just started over. Enjoy 
Chapter 1
I squinted in the bright sunlight and looked around. The Anthros of the Fox Village went around quickly with their work, some on two feet, some on all fours. Gathers stood behind stalls selling the food that they grown over the summer. Hunters dragged in fresh kills to feed their family for that day, and me, I was standing on a roof working on the village Gathering Hall in the heat of the day.
I looked down at my work and saw that I still had several more holes to fix. After that storm yesterday pieces of the roof fell in and who else was there to do it? Me. And only me for that fact. The other workers seemed to disappear when we heard that the roof was destroyed and I was the only one left. They were real friends.
I felt a tug on my tail that made me jump and lose my balance, but I quickly regained it. I turned to see who pulled my tail; it was Iana Crutz. A panther Anthro visting from the Panther Village. “Sorry ‘bout that,” she said with wide eyes.
“It’s okay,” I said politely even though I was kind of ticked that she nearly made me fall.
“I’m lookin’ for a Perosk, I was told that he was at the Gathering Hall.”
“That would be me.” I stood up and jumped off the roof next to her. “What is it you want?”
“I was told that you were workin’ on the roof and your fellow workers disappeared. They found the other workers and they been made to work.” I looked to my left and saw that the workers that abandoned me standing there. “You are to have the day off from working.”
“Thanks. I guess.” Then the other workers stood up and climbed the ladder onto the roof and started to work where I left off. “Is there a catch to this.” I knew my boss and he wouldn’t be the one to let a worker off that easily.
“Yeah, I guess so,” she said shyly. “Your supposed to show me around town. It’s only my second day here.”
I shrugged and simply said, “Follow me.”
I soon learned spending the time with Iana that she was used to being on her own and shy about saying anything. Whenever we went to a place fill of people she’d want to get out of there before we had the time to chat with anyone, but whenever I looked into her piercing yellow eyes I knew she liked seeing the village.
As night started to settle on the village I started leading Iana towards the hut she was staying in. “Thanks,” she said as she reached for the door.
“It’s nothin’,” I replied. “Hey, see if you can get me off work tomorrow by showin’ you around again.”
She laughed. “I will see into that. Night.” She started pulling open the door when a scream pierced the regular sounds of the village. “What was that?” Then a gunshot was heard far off in the woods.
“Humans,” I said with wide eyes. “Run!” I grabbed her paw and dragged her behind me as I ran away from the gunshots. Snouts of Foxes started peeking out of doors to see what the commotion was. “Humans!” I yelled as I ran bye each door bringing the people into an even more confusion.
The Fox Village was on a forested plateau and was very hard to get to the top without help from us. Unless a few Foxes betrayed us they found a way to get up here.
I turned around after realizing I no longer had Iana’s paw and saw that she still followed me close behind her yellow eyes darting to every shadow that we passed. I couldn’t blame her; the humans were a sneaky bunch of creatures.
We finally stopped as we neared the farmlands close to the forest on the far side of the village. I panted with my paws on my knees trying to catch my breath. “How did the humans get here,” Iana asked, “isn’t the plateau supposed to be impossible to get up here without your help?”
“Well, they found away,” I replied. I saw a shadow move in the forest behind Iana. I started to call out to her but I felt a sharp pain on the back of my head and I blacked out.
Hope this is better than the original.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'll be critiquing as i read. It may be things already said so if they are, ignore them.
Wouldn't it be 'Gatherers'? Or is it a name of a group? If not, you may want to change that.
Change the comma between 'me' and 'I' to a semi-colon. And 'it's' needs to become 'its'.
'
Add an 'it' between 'that' and 'was'. And i think it'd be 'halfway done'.
You may want to change 'that' to 'the', since you haven't told us anything about the storm yet. And add a comma between yesterday and pieces.
'Off', i think you mean.
Change the comma to either a period or a semi-colon. It's truly a wonderful little tool.
Comma between 'me' and 'you' in the first sentence. 'a' gets changed to 'the'.
Add a 'were' between 'me' and 'standing' in the third sentence and maybe even a 'had' between 'that' and 'abandoned'.
You need a period between 'do' and 'Is'.
Need to start a new paragraph there for when she starts talking.
You need an 'and' between 'aunt' and 'uncle'.
New Paragraph again.
'Cliffs' not 'Cliff's'.
Not a bad beginning. I like how you put us almost directly into the action. Maybe elaborate on the setting like time of day or what does the village look like, other then it's on a densely forested plateau? Show us, don't tell us. It will make your writing so much better.
-Mays
Hi Pendragon! ^_^ Thought I'd stop by and take a peek. I didn't read the old version at the top, btw. I'm just jumping down here. I hope you don't mind. ^_^
Some of my comments are made, thinking there is no prologue. But, if there is one and I haven't seen it, ignore them. However, if you posted no prologue, then ignore this comment. ^_^
At least I know what you're trying to say here, lol. The bolded is spelled wrong. It's "Gatherers" if you're talking about people who gather crops (which I believe you want). And it's "its carcass." 'It's' is a contraction for 'it is'. "...from it is carcass' doesn't make sense.
You could probably connect the first two sentences with a comma. However, the third sentence could be included with the first sentence when you tell us the MC's squinting his eyes. Like this (maybe): I squinted in the bright sunlight from the damaged roof of the village Gathering Hall, looking around in the blistering heat of the day.
Aww, poor guy.
See what I bolded? We can change this. Maybe replace the first 'and' with a semicolon or period. Problem solved *snaps fingers* just like that. Oh, and the underlined should be 'glowed' and the italicized phrase can be replace by one simple word: like.
Is the building short enough for the panther to tug on his tail? Or is his tail that long? Or is the girl that tall? The proportions are off here. Is the roof on the ground? =/
The italicized should be redone. Here's a suggestion: It seems, though, that they disappeared. He managed to find them, however, and will punish them." The underlined word should be 'stood.' Does the panther have an accent? (If so, that may explain the shortened endings on 'punishing' and such).
Commas after the bolded words. The underlined word was repeated much like that 'and' above somewhere. Replace the underlined one with 'which' and you'll have a gem of a sentence. The italicized word should not have the apostrophe.
It wasn't much of a place with its three rooms: kitchen, main room, and bedroom.
Underlined should have a period rather than a comma. Then 'my' should be capitalized since it's starting a new sentence.
Comma after 'said.'
I've noticed throughout this whole crit that you have the same problem as me. I tend to type so fast or get into the story so much that I forget to check my typos. Lol. You forgot a word here. ^_^
Space after the quote.
Run-on sentence. Try something along the lines of: The Fox Village was on a densely forested plateau. It was very hard to climb to the top for them without our help.
Grab what? Her? Them?
Period after the tag rather than a comma, which also means to capitalize 'did.' Rewrite the second half like: Did they slip past your patrols on the cliff's edge? We already know patrols guard.
I love action, especially when I can feel like I'm in the action. Here, you plainly state he was hit in the head and he blacked out, but I want to black out, lol (not literally). Try: [/i]I went to caller, but I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head which throbbed painfully in my skull. I fell to my knees and into the dirt, darkness consuming my vision.[/i]
Overall, it's a very enjoyable plot. I haven't actually read a story like you have here. I've only heard about it from Lethero, lol. I enjoy reading more, if you don't mind receiving crits from me.
The only issue I've noticed is grammar: comma usage and run-on sentences. That's the only reason this is a really long crit. That and the quote boxes are huge, lol.
However, you do need to work on introducing your characters. Your dialogue has good meaning, but it doesn't show character. You have the most trouble with the girl, lol. Does Iana play with her hair? Bite her lip when nervous/shy? Any signs to show habits and characteristics? Maybe certain aspects that prove she's a panther?
And is Perosk a fox living in the Fox Village? You didn't exactly say what he was, nor did you say if he lived in the Fox Village. That small detail came at the end, and I would like to know ahead of time so I know how to picture your awesome characters here.
Besides more description and what I mentioned above, you're good to go. ^_^ I enjoyed this, really. This is really long, but I hope it helped you out. I would like to read more of this. If you didn't like the crit, though, I won't crit. I'd just like to read, so PM me when you have more. ^_^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Here is my revised version of Chapter 1 Part 1.
I squinted in the bright sunlight and looked around. The Anthros of the Fox Village went around with their business, some on two feet, some on all fours. Gathers stood behind stalls selling the crop that they grew over the summer. Hunters dragged in kills with blood still dripping from it’s carcass, and me, I stood on the damaged roof of the village Gathering Hall in the blistering heat of the day.
I looked down at my work and saw that was still less than half done. After that destructive storm yesterday pieces of the roof caved in and who else was there to fix it? Me. And only me for that fact. The other workers seemed to disappear when they heard that the roof was destroyed and I was the only one left. They were real friends.
I felt a slight tug on my tail that made me jump and lose my balance, but I quickly regained it. I turned to see who pulled my tail; it was Iana Crutz. She was a Panther visiting from the Panther Village. Her fur was as dark as the night was black and her eyes were yellow and they seemed to have glow as if they were lanterns. “Sorry ‘bout that,” she said with her eyes wide with fear.
“It’s okay,” I said politely, even though I was kind of ticked that she nearly made me fall of the building.
“I’m lookin’ for a Perosk, I was told that he was at the Gathering Hall.”
“That would be me.” I stood up and jumped off the roof next to her. “What is it you want?”
“Well, from what your boss told me you and your fellow workers were supposed to fix this roof. It seemed though that they disappeared all of a sudden, but he managed to find them and is punishin’ them.” I looked to my left and saw that the workers that abandoned me standing there. “He also said that you were to have the day off.”
“Thanks, I guess.” I replied. “You guys can start where I left off,” I called to the other workers. They walked over to the ladder, none to happily, and climbed up onto the roof and started on the grueling work they left me to do “Is there a catch to this?” I knew my boss and he wouldn’t be the one to let a worker off that easily.
“Yeah, I guess so,” she said in an almost shy manner. “You’re supposed to show me around town. It’s only my second day here.”
I shrugged and simply said, “Follow me.”
I showed her the sites of the Fox Village. We visited the stalls where people sold their wares. We traveled a little outside the village into the forest and I showed her the rock that had it’s end carved to a point that pointed towards the village so travelers would always know where to find the village.
I lastly took her to my place. It wasn’t that much of a place, just three rooms; the kitchen, the main room, and my bedroom. The facilities were always kept away from the houses for sanitation. We ate supper in the main room as she explained why she came here. “My father died recently,” she said, “so I kind of went into a depression. I stayed in my hut for several weeks before I just decided that I should get away. So I came here and I plan to move on after a while. What of you, Perosk?”
“Not a lot,” I replied in quiet voice,” my parents died when I was young and I was raised by my aunt uncle. I was the only one of my litter and they didn’t have one of their own, so they took me in as their own son.”I looked into her eyes and saw that she had not expected me to say that. “Come on, I’ll take you home,” I said standing up, not wanting to talk anymore.
We were silent the whole way to her place which was not very far from mine. She was staying in a house that was always provided for visitors. I walked her up to her and started to leave when she said, “Thanks.”
“It’s nothin’,” I replied. “Hey, see if you can get me off work tomorrow by showin’ you around again,” I said in a sarcastic manner.
She laughed. “I will see into that. Night.” She started pulling open the door when a tortured scream pierced the regular sounds of the village. “What was that?” Then a gunshot rang not far from where we stood.
“Humans,” I said, wide eyed with fear. “Run!” I grabbed her paw and dragged her behind me as several more gunshots sounded not so far off. Snouts of Foxes started peeking out of doors to see what disturbances were affecting their normal lives. “Humans!”They stared at me as I ran by not sure whether I was crazy or telling the truth.
The Fox Village was on a densely forested plateau and was very hard to get to the top by climbing and the only safe way up was with our help. It would’ve been hard for them to climb up the top without notice, but it seems they found a way.
I looked behind me as I ran when I realized that Iana was no longer holding onto my paw. She still followed close behind, but I noticed that her lantern like gaze darted to every shadow as if something would pop up and grab.
We finally stopped as we neared the farmlands close to the forest on the far side of the village. I panted with my front paws on my knees trying to catch my breath. “How did the humans get here,” Iana asked, “did they slip by your patrols that guard the cliff’s edge?”
“Looks like it,” I replied. I saw a shadow move in the forest behind Iana. I went to call her but I felt a sudden and intense pain the back of my head. Then darkness consumed my vision.
do you mean gatherers? or is this a special name?
I said politely, even though I was kind of ticked off that she made me fall.
I think there should be a comma there, just to give the reader a break.
*? ^^
This sentence... doesn't make sense.
Bringing the people into the confusion, maybe?
Bringing more people into the gathering confusion, perhaps?
Okay, this one makes sense, but try putting a comma after 'us'. It sounds better to my mind.
again, put a comma between behind and her. 'she still followed close behind, her yellow eyes...'
we're looking for impact, right? try breaking up the sentence just a little. You can't do this too often (I tend to, and it's not good lmao) But short sentences have bigger impact then long ones.
I started to call out to her, but I was rendered voiceless as a sharp pain exploded at the back of my skull. I pitched forward, the darkness consumed my vision.
It's not a very good example, just off the top of my head, but...you get the idea, no?
Apart from the stuff I found above, which are mostly just typing errors I think, this was very good. I love the idea of the fox people, and I would love to see more! It's interesting, and I believe if I picked up a book that started like this I would keep reading. :p
Pretty good, original and interesting. I should like to see some more of this ^^.
Few minor mistakes I caught but nothing incredibly horrible.
--------------------
Gathers stood behind stalls selling the food that they grown over the summer.
That should be changed to grew or had grown.
Hunters dragged in fresh kills to feed their family for that day, and me, I was standing on a roof working on the village Gathering Hall in the heat of the day.
Stood
--------------------
Those were the few mistakes I caught. I also saw that Foxes was capitalized and was wondering if that was a mistake or a really type of people with a capitalized name.
That's all! Keep writing,
Lupe
It needs a little work. Few spelling mistakes, nothing major.
You might want to slow down and talk a little about the characters and setting. Give us more of a feel for the story.
“Well, they found away,” I replied.
shouldn't it be...“Well, they found a way,” I replied.
but i thought it was a very well put story i couldn't find any spelling or grammer mistakes, but then again i have never been that good with them.
Not much else i can critic on, sorry....
But i found the story very intressing and would love to be informed of then next attachment...!! thanks