Here are Ch1+2 edited. I have took all your suggestions and helpful tips and tried to make my story better. I should have the next chapter posted soon.
Chapter 1
Shark Warrior
Taking a deep breath Mizu took a step out onto the pond in her parents sacred garden. Her foot sank about an inch below the cold surface before being stopped, but not by the deep pond’s bottom. Without trying to get overexcited about her accomplishment she placed her second foot on the water. It held firm. Finally, Mizu thought. I finally have mastered the Water Walking technique.
She looked down and saw her reflection on the water’s surface. She saw a beautiful girl of only sixteen years staring back at her. The girl’s eyes were as blue as the ocean, skin the color of the soft sand on the beach, hair as black as the night, a robe as blue as her eyes, on her neck was a single large shark tooth, and she wore the rough features of trained Warrior. Her parents wanted to set her up as a Warrior as soon as her abilities surfaced. At five years all she fell into a pool and the water had risen to her knees, the water was ten feet deep. One year later the last Shark Warrior had died. They were quick to get people to recognize her abilities and soon after that she was trained as the next Shark Warrior, Master of the Water Element. She never had time to grow up as a real child and she resented them for that. She was never to know what an actual person felt, having to learn to ignore such feelings.
“Mizu!” called a voice in the distance making her lose her concentration. She felt the water give and the water rush up to meet her as she sank in past her head. She climbed out of the pool soaking wet and saw her brother, Imaroo, standing in front of her with a guilty look on his face. He resembled Mizu a lot with his blue yes, black hair, and the skin the color of the soft sand, but he did not have the features of a trained Warrior. “Sorry Sis, didn’t know you were practicing.”
“It’s fine,” Mizu grumbled, draining the water from her robes. “What do you want?”
“Papa sent me to find you,” Imaroo said.
“Did he say what he wanted?” Yira asked while drying her hair on a rough green cloth.
“No, he just said for you to come quickly. He also says to bring Umi.”
“Why would I need to bring Umi?” Mizu thought about it for a second and then cursed silently to herself. She knew that the only time Umi, a mystical blade used only by Sea Serpent Warriors, was only used in times of war. That must mean . . .Dammit! She ran into the house and raced down the wooden corridor towards the family shrine where Umi was held. The servants all bowed to her and whispered, “Greetings, Lady Mizu,” as she ran by.
Stopping in front of the a sliding panel door, she pulled it open to reveal her family shrine. There on the alter lay the katana Umi. She picked up the sword with it’s blade that was bluer than any ocean and sharper than any other sword. She retrieved the seaweed green scabbard and returned Umi to it’s home before trying it the cloth belt at her waist.
Heading out of the shrine she went the opposite way she came through another sliding door at the end. Bowing lightly before the paper paneled door, she said, “You asked to see me, father?”
“Did you bring Umi with you?” asked a rough voice from the other side of the door.
“Yes, father,” Mizu replied, kneeling and placing Umi on the floor before her. “Is it as I have guessed father? Has war come to the regions?”
“I’m afraid so, my daughter,” her father answered sadly. They have called on all four of the Warriors to fight. Already a force of a hundred thousand troops have been called to the Western border.”
“So, the Yoijians have finally attacked?”
“It would seem so.” I deep rustling came from behind the door as her father moved around to a comfortable position. “I’ve had a horse prepared for your journey. It will be saddled with enough supplies and a map showing you the way to the army’s camp. There you will find the other Warriors.”
“I will make haste, Father,” Mizu sad touching her head to the floor.
She grabbed Umi and stood. She was about ready to walk away when her father said, “Be careful, Mizu. While you may despise your mother and I for putting you through this just know that we love and we want to see you come home.”
Trying not cry, Mizu turned around and ran out of the house and towards her unknown future.
Chapter 2
The Bear Warrior
Yochi bowed to the small maple tree and took a deep breath. Keeping his sandaled feet shoulder width apart, he took his fist back and hit the trunk square in the middle. His muscles rippled as it worked to keep the impact from shattering his fist. A few seconds passed before he heard a satisfying crack. The tree broke off at the point of impact and crashed to the ground. Bowing again to the fallen tree he said, "Thank you brother for providing me with wood. I will use you honorably."
He took Tsuchi, his katana, from his belt and placed it on the ground next to his horse who was tethered to a another tree some distance away in the vast forest of Hayashi. He removed his earth brown shirt, revealing the dark green bear paw on his light skinned forearm. He contemplated what he would need from the tree with his earth green eyes before picking up the axe from his bags. He returned to the tree and started chopping it into firewood. And as he chopped he remembered Uncle telling him of his mission.
"You are called to war, nephew," Uncle had said. "I agree that you are young for war, but they have called for the Warriors and you must answer their call.”
“Who is this war against?” he asked, skillfully masking all emotions.
“The Yoijians. I'm sure you would honor your parent's spirits if you fought this war.”
Yochi couldn't help it then to remember his parents who were killed by a man. They were walking on a trail just outside the city of Hokubu in the very forest he was in now when large, muscular man appeared before them, demanding their money and his mother. His father would've given the man all his money to protect his son and wife, but he would not let anyone dishonor his wife. So, the man pulled a knife and killed him before turning on his mother, but she fought back and was eventually killed too. That was when the man turned to Yochi with a menacing smile on his lips.
Yochi remembered every detail of that man as he stared at him. Hair that was as black as the abyss, black bloodshot eyes, there were many scars that covered his face and arms, but the one thing he’d remember about that man the was the tattoo on his forearm: a dark green bear’s paw, the symbol of the Bear Warrior. Though he did not know this at the moment.
The man pulled back his arm and just as he was about to plunge his blade into Yochi’s throat a shout had come from behind of him. The man had turned and fled through the trees. Soon after that he learned that the man was the Bear Warrior who had dishonored the Warrior Code, and a few days after that Yochi was informed that the man fled into Yoijian territory. From then on Yochi swore he would become the new Bear Warrior and find the man to avenge his parents.
He wiped the sweat from his brow as he split the last log and set on the small pile of other logs. Leaning the axe against a tree he picked up several logs and set them in a stone circle previously made away from the trees. With some steel and flint the set fire to the logs and prepared up himself a soup with the vegetables and spices he had brought with him.
He busied himself busied himself by bringing the rest of the logs over. The war plagued his thoughts no matter how much he tried to put them out of his thoughts. He was glad they were at war with the Yoijians, he wanted to kill the man who had murdered his parents. Though he was a Warrior, a fighter for peace, he couldn’t help but to relish the thoughts of killing the Yoijians and slaying the Bear Warrior before him.
Yochi was pulled from his thoughts as he heard the water rise into a boil. He ladled the soup into a small container and ate. Enjoying as warmth spread through his body. When the half the pot was gone, he left the rest on the fire to stay warm for his morning meal and took out his bedroll. Spreading it on the rough ground, he crawled in, and fell asleep, his mind still haunted by the past and hoping for the future.
***
Mizu/Umi: Sea
Yochi/Tsuchi: Earth
Hokubu: North
Hayashi: Forest
***
Chapter 3: The Falcon Warrior
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hiya! Glad to see you've taken the advice. ^_^
Since this is a flashback, you should put "had" after "parents" to make this past-prefect.
You've used "water' twice here, almost on top of each other. I would re-write it like so:
At five years old she feel into a pool and the water had risen to her knees, when it had been ten feet deep.
In that example, you don't choke the sentence with too many proper nouns.
The bolded word in the quote is a spelling change I've made.
I would replace "they were" with "her parents had been" to make things clearer.
Comma after "distance"
After "and" you could delete "the water" for more punch.
Comma after "shrine."
You're missing a quote at the beginning of this dialogue.
How can she know that her father has shifted to a more comfortable position if the door is closed?
Spelling change is in bold.
Nice to see you've taken out the horse's name, but I still find this sentence a bit long. You could delete "to a another tree" without loosing anything description-wise.
Nice to see you've brushed up the rest of this paragraph, but, this line still bugs me. The reason is: you have changed from Yochi's viewpoint to his father's viewpoint very suddenly. It brings on confusion at the sudden change of terms. Rewrite this so it's from Yochi's eyes.
I would replace the comma after "mother" with either a period or a semicolon ( ; ), delete the "but" before "she" and replace "and" with "but" to give this more punch. Like so:
...mother. She fought back but was eventually killed too.
Replace "he" with "Yochi" so we know you're not talking about the man who killed Yochi's parents.
You've repeated yourself here. Delete the second "busied himself."
You can delete the "of his thoughts" after "out" without loosing any description.
Had to comment on this. Can't wait to see the next chapter! ^_^
~~
Commas- You are missing a few here. Check out this article and this article for some comma tips. The first one shows you where commas do go, the second, where they don't.
Dialogue and tags- You tend to put the tags after the dialogue everywhere. That's fine for short bits at a time, but after awhile it can get old. A piece of dialogue such as this:
Becomes this:
Emotion- Much, much better here. You've given us a reason why they don't show much emotion, and them fighting to suppress what emotions they do have. And, you have added in their feelings about war. I would like to see a bit more of Mizu's thoughts on the subject of war, but it's not really needed.
Overall- I like the changes! You've cleared some things up, although the wording is still a bit off. Read this out-loud (or, if you don't want people to hear you, read this after a month of not looking at it) to catch any weird sounding descriptions, clunky sentences or repeated words.
If you have any questions about my review, feel free to send me a PM.
~Rosey