Tei smelled the army long before she ever saw it. A strong wind from the West blew in bringing with the horrid smell of urine, fecal matter, sweat, and death. She had learned to learn the wind along time ago. It never lied to her. It told her when a storm was coming, where an enemy was hiding, and when the seasons were changing. Checking to make sure Kaze, her katana, was tightly tied to her robes and spurred Iki, her trusted black mare, downwind.
Before long the wind carried the noises of the army, and soon after she could see them. It was vast, spreading from the Northern horizon to the Southern horizon. Horse were running on the edge of the camp relaying moves from each end.
A low breeze blew from her left carrying with a slight rustle of leaves from a bush. “Who goes there?” she shouted.
“I should be asking you the same question, young lady.” said a soldier who stepped from the bush aiming an arrow at Tei’s chest. She could not see his face properly because of the garbs he used to blend into the forest, but she could tell he was a scout. He was of a small size, but was probably “Who are you and why are you here.”
Tei drew Kaze revealing the sword’s pure white blade. “I am Tei, the Falcon Warrior,” she said in a strong voice. “I am Master of the Wind Element. And this is Kaze, my sword.” The soldier stared at her surprised, but after the shock had worn off a smile spread across his face.
“Finally, Nigousan Tei,” the soldier said with a sigh of relief. Bowing to her he said, “I am sorry if I was rude to you early, but these are times of war and I must be careful. My name is Oyru”
“I understand,” Tei replied bowing her head in respect. “You have done a excellent job, I shall report it to your superiors.”
“Thank you, Nigousan.” The soldier blushed and bowed deeply. “If you wish I could escort you to the camp.”
“No thank you, Oyru. You are need here. I will find my way to the camp. Goodbye. “She spurred her horse again and speed off in the direction of the camp.” What she didn’t notice was the evil grin on the soldiers face as she raced away.
Tei slowed her horse down as she grew close to the camp. She watched as men moved in between camps. They laughed, told fantastic stories of war and love, and slept. The soldiers pretended that there was no threat of war hanging over them, it was as if this was a part of their everyday lives. She knew she were one of these soldiers she would be dreading the war. She would’ve spent many sleepless nights wondering if she would live and preparing her weapons. But she was a Warrior she was not supposed to have these feelings., they would only get in the way of her duties. She remembered when she took the vow to be a full Warrior.
It was about two years ago when she was still a Warrior trainees. She was kneeling before Emperor Genshu with the other three Warrior trainees beside her. She was to be the last to take the oath , so she steeled herself from feeling anxiety, fear, and even joy. And as the Emperor finished with Mizu, the Shark Warrior, the moment she dreaded arrived.
“Tei Taka!” the Emperor said loudly for everyone to heard in the crowd. She could hear the many comments from the people complaining on how young the new Warriors were. That was soon drowned out as the Emperor spoke again. “Do you accept the title Falcon Warrior and all the duties that go with it?”
“Yes, your majesty.” Tei replied as loudly as she could muster.
“Do you swear to defend the peace of our kingdom, the rights of people, and honor the Warrior‘s Code?” Tei repeated her answer, louder than before. “Will you block out all unessential emotions so that they will not intervene in any mission.”
“I will, your majesty!“ Tei yelled. It was so loud no one had any doubt that she would fulfill all her duties to her fullest capabilities.
“Then rise Tei Taka, the Falcon Warrior!” And as she stood on her feet, the last trainee to be accepted as a Warrior, the crowd erupted into applause. Tei felt joy inside her at that moment, but hid it under a mask of indifference as she looked at the crowd.
And from then on she had kept her promise of ignoring every emotion and thinking of only duty. She did not feel nervous of fighting this war, nor did she worry about her parents and what they would feel if she were to die. Nothing mattered to her anymore accept the job ahead.
***
Tei/Kaze: Wind
Iki: Spirit
Taka: Falcon
Nigousan: Mistress
Genshu: Ruler
Mizu: Sea
***
Chapter 4: The Phoenix Warrior
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hiya Pendragon! Glad to see the next chapter up! ^_^
Change "and" after "robes" to "she"
You could delete this tag, since it's already been established she's speaking.
Delete the quotation mark after "camp."
"Evil" in this case is not only flat, but it gives us a bit too much foreshadowing. After reading this line, I can't help but think that Oyru will betray the Warriors somehow.
In this case, I would replace "evil" with "slight" so there is more mystery.
"Grew close" could be "drew closer."
You're contradicting yourself here. "Camp" in the sentence before was singular, while here it is plural. Perhaps you mean "tents"?
Get rid of the "s" in "trainee"
This line, put in with the following paragraphs, confused me. Were the trainees standing beside her, or where they kneeling with her? The way things are worded now, it makes me thing they're kneeling next to her.
Correction in bold.
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Characters: I like how you've managed to define each character so far. Even though they are all supposed to suppress their emotions, they act remarkably different. It's nice to see you've managed to define all of their personalities so well while still having them show minimal emotion. But by showing that they actually try to suppress emotion, and what emotions they are suppressing, they become living people instead of robots. I especially liked the mention of what she wasn't worried about, actually. It hints that she'll have to face those emotions eventually, or she has the most control over her emotions.
Description: I like the style you've got going with this story. You're using minimal descriptions, but you're giving us just enough to be able to see things. In some places you are a bit skimpy however. I would like to see a bit more of the aria around camp. Are there spikes to prevent horses from jumping over? Have the trees been cleared to give more room for fighting? Is the forest mostly bamboo or oak trees? Since Tei is surveying the aria, you have room to put some more descriptions about what the camp looks like.
Flashbacks: You're using them surprisingly well, with a good tie-in to your MCs and the plot line. However, it can make things a little confusing. I did not know that the Warriors knew each other until now. It's a minor thing, but it bounced me out of the story a little, suddenly knowing they had trained together. It would be less jarring if you incorporated a line in each chapter (Or, maybe just the first chapter) that had the characters recalling something that would tie them together.
However, I like what you are doing with the slow forward motion. Mizu is at home, Yochi is in the woods and now Tei is almost at the camp. I'm guessing the Phoenix Warrior will be in camp? I can't wait to see what happens when they meet up! ^_^
Overall: I'm still loving this! You're managing to introduce everybody with a vivid and distinct personality. Your world is amazingly unique, and I just love your style.
This was the best chapter yet! *Gold Star*
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
~Rosey