Draconian
Prologue
10 years earlier
It was a beautiful day outside, light shone through the green leaf canopy, and deer were roaming around waiting to be captured and eaten, but I was confined to the cave by my mother. She went out hunting and I wanted to go with her but she was to afraid Spotters would see my brighter than normal red scales and capture me and take me to the Tournament. So I was stuck in my cave till mom returned with a small deer and we’ll eat another small meal.
If you haven’t figured out I’m a Dragon and my name is Draconan and I’m a sixteen years old, very young in dragon years. My mother was Dracena and she has muddy brown scales blends in perfectly with the trees. We lived in a cave far from humans and their magicians. The Spotters were groups of hunters that would capture us Dragons and take us to Tournament, and I don’t want to think of that.
And Outside the cave I heard a rush of air and the deer took off in different directions, mommy’s home. She landed outside the cave and her scales blended in with the brown background of the trees. In her mouth was more than a normal meager meal, an ox.
Look what I found today, she said joyfully, this one was wondering away from a farm so I thought he was a better meal than a pulling animal don’t you agree.
I was so overjoyed on what to say but I crawled up to it and took a big strip of meat from it. The flesh was warm and bloody in my mouth, I could tell mom got it back here as soon as she could.
I pushed some towards offering her some of her kill. No Draconan, you eat it, She said kind of said. I’ll get some deer tonight when you sleep.
Mother, when can I go hunting with you? I asked, hoping the answer was soon.
The answer came quicker than I thought, but not the answer I was hoping for. Sorry, Draconan, but I can’t take you until you are old enough. Say when you’re big enough to fly or else you’ll slow me down, she said as playfully as any Dragon mother could.
Well, mother when that day come I’ll make sure I won’t slow you down.
Well, we can only hope, but never give promises you’re not sure you can keep.
Hope it's good, I thought on a human first person, but a Dragon first person sounded much cooler. So hope it's good and gives you an idea how a Dragon feels.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I originaly used italics but they didn't transfer with my story, but what looks like speech should be in italics. Sorry for the confusion.
Hallo! Welcome to YWS!
Run-on sentences. You need punctuation between sentences. Not just a comma. You need a semicolon or a period (question mark etc.). Remember that when you proofread this
For Awkward Sentence Strucure. Read your sentences aloud and if they sound fishy, play with them until they sound better. Reading also helps a lot with this.
This was very interesting - interesting idea to write from the perspective of the dragon. Royboy suggested you italicize or quote the dialogue; I agree. As I've said, you have some good ideas here. However, there were quite a few spots where your sentence structure was awkward and you lacked correct punctuation. I'm not going to go through your entire story and point out everything, but here are a few pointers.
Besides the proofreading deal, I have one other thing to mention.
First, the story seems to be told from a childish dragon's sort of view (I gleaned this from the semi-angsty attitude and how he begins the story talking about who he is.) If you want that, great, but if you don't want it, watch for it.
This was an interesting prologue - not terrribly intriguing, but good nonetheless. At least you drew us into the character. I can't wait to read more of this. Nicely done and please keep writing. PM me if you have any questions.
Use quotes or italics. It's a bit confusing without them. Make sure you put commas in the right places and the punctuation is correct like here:
You should use italics or quotes throughout the entire post, whatever you decide is best.
hey I love it Im sooo obsessed with dragons. Im not much of a critique but there is one thing that bugged me
"I’m a Dragon and my name is Draconan and I’m a sixteen years old"
shouldnt that be
"I’m a Dragon and my name is Draconan and I’m sixteen years old"
or somewhat like that?
otherwise great job
kudos for you!!
an elephant for your entertainment!!!