Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
The child psychopath test given is based off of a real test.
Thirty years into the future...
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A woman in her thirties was hiking in the woods. She was holding a hunting rifle that she was planning on using for hunting... And on strange kidnappers. IF she ever came across someone like that. After all she had been through in her life, she had decided to live on her own. No one would ever be able to hurt her again out here, accidentally or otherwise. Today, as she was going for an enjoyable morning walk, she had her rechargeable Ipod in her ears. She was currently listening to Queen and their song "Under Pressure". Underneath her tough skin laid someone who wished the world could be a little more like a better, happier place. One that she had sometimes thought deserved a second chance. She no longer believed that, though.
Out was walking another in his thirties; a man, this time. He kept resting on rocks as he walked since he wasn't used to getting exercise. He, too had decided to live a life on his own. He could care less about the world; he just wanted to get away from society's rules and his job's responsibilities. As he walked, he was listening on his MP3 Player, "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice.
That's when they both bumped into each other.
"You're one of the pompous jerks they call a senator!"
"I WAS. And you're one of those people that 'heals' the 'abused' at the TCAV."
"I was until I couldn't take it anymore!"
She hated admitting her weaknesses to others, so she lied, instead.
"They kept praising me every time I helped a patient, so I got sick of it and left."
"No way. You left because you're an empath and you couldn't bear taking on another's emotions anymore."
"And why did YOU leave, Mr. Psychopath?"
"I'm not any form of a psycho. I'm a narcissist. They're two completely different things!"
"WHY did you leave?"
"Because I want to live the way I want to live. Also, I'm sick of everyone."
"Makes sense. I'm sick of YOU. No matter where I go, you people are always around!"
"Same here. ...What now?"
"I'm like a beta fish. You go up against me, one of us WILL get killed."
She pointed the gun at him.
"Woah! Be cool, now!"
The shot was heard as far as the Treatment Center for Abuse Victims.
"No..." said the treatment center's leader.
Present day...
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"I don't seem to understand the issue, Mrs. Raddley." said the doctor.
"Please. It's Victoria, Dr. Jasper. And believe me, something is wrong with both my children Tracey AND Richy. I love them, but they misbehave any chance they can. Tracey bites my breasts during feedings, Richy beats up the older kids in daycare, and they both laugh when they do it!"
"So, they're little bullies, huh? Unfortunately, there's no cure for that... Except therapy."
"I'll do anything to keep them from becoming my husband."
Dr. Jasper took off his glasses and wiped them so Victoria could see the seriousness in his eyes.
"Does he hit you? Abuse you in any way?"
"No, of course not."
"Then the children?"
"Doctor, is there such a thing as a psychopathy gene?"
"Maybe. But that's not my field. I'm merely a pediatrician. Why?"
Victoria sighed. "My husband is a sociopath."
"He told you this?"
"No. But he has all the red flags."
"Hmm. I'll call up my colleague, Dr. Swonkohw, to see if we can have an empathy test. Until then, make sure you tell Richard Raddley Sr. that this is all my idea and act as if you know nothing. Play dumb. If he is a sociopath and he does find out about you knowing, he'll most likely try to leave you."
"But what if I want him to leave?"
"That might be a good decision since his kind have been known to abuse animals and people."
"I don't know. He's never abused me and the ones he used to torment he stopped once he went to college. The main reason is he might've been too busy to do such things, but I forgave him since it was so long ago."
"So, there's no way he's hurting YOU, now?"
She gave a hard-to-figure-out answer. "Not directly. But he IS a politician."
"I know nothing about psychopaths, and even less about politicians, but I do know this No matter what, you should be with a man that makes you happy. Does he make you happy?"
Victoria smiled. "Yes. He does."
"Good."
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The day came for the empathy test. Victoria was as jittery as a fizzing soda bottle. Her husband, of course, pretended to care and put an arm on her shoulder and then held her. He actually did care, but only because it was HIS wife that was this nervous.
"Before we begin," said Dr. Swonkohw. "I'd just like to say that just because a psychopath is different from anyone else, it's no reason to believe they are one hundred percent evil. Judge people by what they do, not who they are."
"And I'd like to say that no matter what, you should always love your children unconditionally, no matter what they do or who they turn out to be." said Dr. Jasper.
"Of course we'll love our children!" Richard announced. "We loved them before they were even born and we'll continue to love them!"
"It's good that you feel that way." Dr. Jasper lied. He thought Richard was lying, too.
They soon got out a box, a blue puppet, and a red puppet. They both looked like dogs. A nurse brought the eighteen-month old toddler, Richy, into the room. The puppets "played" with one another until the red puppet hit the blue puppet and then stuffed it in the box. Richy's eyes grew wide. He made a boo-hoo face. His mother held him until he felt better. Then they presented the boy with both puppets and he took the blue doggy and seemed to comfort it.
They did the same thing to the nine-month old girl, Tracey, but she LAUGHED, instead. They gave her both puppies to take and she ripped the heads off of both!
"I've never seen such behavior!" cried Dr. Jasper.
"Looks like we found our psychopath." said Dr. Swonkhow.
And that was the start of a new beginning. One that would shape the future of America, and the world, turning it into a world that cares.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
I love the topic. It's interesting and this is a cool plot.
I just want to point out a few rushed parts.
"That's when they both bumped into each other."
Just like ClackFlip said, she suddenly kills him...out of nowhere.
Also, in the beggining add a few he said/she said. Maybe even some names...
They just started to argue. did they know each other? I assume so. Have some thoughts added too.
Describe where they are walking , that would help send a scene to the readers.
"Victoria smiled. "Yes. He does.""
She wants him to leave? but, he makes her happy?
It's a good plot, and I enjoy it. But, some little iffy things which are easy to learn. so, don't be discouraged. If you want any more help with this, just PM me and I'll try to explain more things to help.
Merry Christmas!
Hey Pen! Before you read further I'd just like to drop this side note. I get a little ranty in this review, but I hope I don't come across as mean; I'm just trying to help you out okay?
Let's get to it. You get through this, you earn a cookie.
You could just say "She had a hunting rifle slung over her shoulder," and it would work just as well as this sentence. We know why a hermit in the woods carries those around. No need to elaborate.
I've never heard of an iPod that isn't rechargeable...
This could be worded so it feels less sloppy.
"she had her
rechargeableIPodin her ears. She was currently listening toplaying Queen'sand their song"Under Pressure".See how much better that flows?
This is where my main problems with your story comes in. Your characters seem to change their emotions by the flip of a coin. One minute your protagonist of Part Uno is like Man, I wish the world was nicer to people. the next she's like: "HEY POOPYFACE! BURN IN HADES!" There's a lot of it throughout this story so I'll talk more about it later."
This is confusing to read, you should have included dialogue tags throughout the conversation that way we knew who was speaking. Just add a he said/she said throughout and you should be good to go.
And the end when the woman kills the senator? What the heck? WHY? They were just arguing! No matter how crazy you are that's not enough reason to kill somebody!
What? WHAT!? WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!!!!????
"You're the poopyface!"
"No you're the poopyface!"
"No YOU'R---"
BANG
THE END
The scene ended a bit abruptly don't you think?
This whole conversation between Victoria and the doctor really confused me, there were just so many logical problems. The first being this: if the kid is old enough to have teeth, why is she still breastfeeding it? Now I get the fact that how long you do that depends on the child, but there's no reason she should still be doing it that you've pointed out. Why isn't he at the baby food yet? I'll just assume that I know nothing for now m'kay. So, instead of questioning why an eighteen month old hasn't been switched to primarily soup by now, why doesn't Victoria just use a pump? You see what I mean? But I digress. There's a lot to talk about here.
This is another problem I have with this story, you use sociopath and psychopath interchangeably, and while you can argue that they are, I've always been taught something like this:
Sociopath's can burn down building and not feel bad about it, but a Psychopath is the person who wants to burn down that building.
That, and you're not even describing sociopathic behavior throughout most of the story:
This type of behavior is called sadism. That's the act of taking pleasure in another's pain. This is actually a polar opposite of Sociopathy (as it was explained to me.)
Again, what? Seriously? Is the guy that well endowed? I don't mean to be disgusting, but she's spent most of the conversation demonizing her husband, now she's like "He's good."
The only thing she didn't say about her husband was "I think he might be Satan." And now she's just "He's fine." Seriously?
Part III is perf though <3
In conclusion, this story suffers from a lack of any internal monologue and iffy writing throughout. Get us inside your characters head and help us feel what they feel, tell us about them, make us empathize with them. I just couldn't understand a lot of what was said throughout this story, because the characters never had any depth to make me realize why
I hope this review helped you. Here's that cookie. And again, I thoroughly apologize if I came across mean-spirited. There was a lot to like, but a lot that was confusing. And I hope I helped you with that.
Thanks for reading. This was one of my favorite reviews-to write at least-ever.
I like what this story is based on but you should put it under short story because it is very rushed. Try and add a back story describing how life was like for physopaths and more about what Richard did before college.