The Ring of Time
~By Anna J. and Phoebe A.
~Dedicated to Family, Friends, and
Book Lovers Around the World!
The Ring of the Future
Chapter One
Rebecca was tired of sitting up straight, sewing, and acting like a lady.
She escaped to the woods for a little quiet time alone. The soft breeze swept
her azure blue wool dress around her ankles and she shed her shoes and
stockings. As she walked, she noticed a dull gleam in the bushes. Immediately,
her curiosity was aroused and she crept towards it. It was a ring, with a bright,
shining emerald set in the middle. However, as soon as she reached for it, she
hesitated. A cloaked figure appeared beside her…”Take it, Rebecca, you
deserve it!” The silky smooth voice glided through the woods, coming from the
strange figure. “What can it hurt?“ Rebecca asked herself and took it, placing it
on her finger. Immediately, a great whirlwind swept her into the air, and she
disappeared, without a trace.
Rebecca’s head felt heavy and pressured. There was no air to breathe
and she could feel her own heartbeat in her ears. Suddenly, her body landed on
a hard object and she hit her head. A sharp pain ripped through her entire body,
then merciful darkness closed in.
“Hey, who’s this?” Rebecca heard a small, annoying child’s voice.
“It’s probably an actor, darling….We have to get to your piano lessons.” “I don’t
wanna, Mommy!” the child’s voice came again. “If you go, Mommy will get you
some ice cream.” “I DON’T WANT ICE CREAM!!” The child screamed. Slowly,
Rebecca sat up and rubbed her eyes. “Alack, where AM I?” She said to herself
softly. She saw people hurrying by, carrying parcels and boxes. Rebecca walked
up to a woman who was window shopping. “Lady, what is this land? Have I been
abducted?” Rebecca asked in her most dignified voice. The woman gave her a
strange look and hurried away, making a few glances over her shoulder.
Rebecca sighed and turned to look around. She saw a girl walking down
the sidewalk chewing gum and popping bubbles from her mouth. Rebecca
stepped back, as the noise was strange and frightening to her. “Wh-wh-who are
you?” She managed to stutter out. “Audrey….you are?” The girl’s voice was cool
but not unfriendly. “My title is Rebecca Lancaster, Daughter of Eric the Mighty.
Where is this?” Audrey gave a worried glance, but replied. “This is New York
City, downtown.” A buzz came from her pocket and she pulled out her phone.
Rebecca’s eyes grew large. "What is that?" Audrey looked up, a frustrated look
in her eyes. "You're really pretty lost aren't you?" She said. She tossed her
braided hair and popped another bubble, making Rebecca jump back slightly.
Audrey just sighed. "Look, why don't you just go back to where you came from?
I'm kinda busy..." She started to turn away, but Rebecca stammered out...."I...I
don't h-ha-have a h-h-home here" Audrey's eyes grew slightly wide as Rebecca
kept talking. "Please help me. My father has a lot of gold and land that he would
reward you with!" Audrey sighed. "All right, how about we go grab a smoothie...
Got any money?" Rebecca shrugged, then pulled out a gold coin. "Will this do?"
Audrey felt like just taking it, but she felt kinda sorry for this poor clueless girl.
She accepted the coin and gave the girl a good portion of the money in her
purse. "I'll pay you some more cash later..." Then she took Rebecca's arm and
led her to the shop before the poor girl could ask what "cash" was.
Seeing that Rebecca looked very uncomfortable, Audrey ordered her a
plain strawberry and banana smoothie. Many glances were cast at Rebecca's
attire, and a few snickers came out. After glaring at the culprits, Audrey turned
back to Rebecca. "Anyway, where are you from?" She asked. "I'm from the
outskirts of England." Audrey heaved a sigh of relief. "Well, then, you aren't too
far away! We'll just get you a one-way airplane ticket and..." Rebecca was
staring at her. "Airplane? Ticket?" Her voice was confused. A chill ran down
Audrey's spine. This girl didn't know ANYTHING!! The dress, the accent, lives in
England... "What year do you think this is?" She asked quietly. Rebecca's soft
brown eyes turned to her. "Why, it's the Middle Ages, 1264...."
Chapter Two
Audrey nearly fainted, but was able to manage a wane smile. "You're
kidding, right?" Rebecca shook her head, looking puzzled. Audrey's mind began
to race. "Umm, so you're telling me that umm, you like....are from the Middle
Ages??" Rebecca nodded, a little smile creeping across her face. Audrey blew a
sigh. "Ok, so, umm, let's get you back to my house, ok? My parents are out of
town right now..." Audrey gave the poor girl her jacket and guided her down the
street.
When they finally got to the Jones's apartment, Audrey unlocked the door,
giving a quick smile. "Good thing I just cleaned the house." Rebecca's eyes
almost popped out of her head when Audrey turned the light on. The medievally
dressed girl walked to the kitchen, her brown eyes taking in everything. Audrey
opened the fridge door and peeled inside... "You hungry?" Rebecca rubbed her
stomach. "Yes, I believe that food would be nice!" Audrey giggled, pulling out two
containers of frozen yogurt. She led Rebecca up to her bedroom and handed her
one of the small cartons. Soon, Audrey noticed the ring on her new friend's
finger. "That's a pretty ring. Where'd you get it?" Rebecca shrugged. "It was
laying in the ground and I put it on..." She paused for a moment, looking at the
city girl. "That was when I came here!" She studied the ring. "Maybe this was just
a bait for someone to send me here...." Audrey reached for it and smiled. "It's
fascinating...I know this is weird, but I always wanted to know what happens in
the future. I wish we could go see." Suddenly, the ring started to glow. "Umm,
Audrey, what did you just do?," Rebecca asked, her voice shaking. Then there
was a flash and they both disappeared!
Audrey attempted to speak, but cold air was thrust into her mouth, nearly
choking her. She could barely breathe, and certainly couldn't move, and her eyes
saw only blackness. She felt something clasp her hand, then saw it was
Rebecca, limp, but still alive. Audrey strained to fight through the hot void, but
she landed on something hard and was knocked out at once.
"Audrey...Audrey get up!" Audrey groaned and rolled over, holding her head.
She managed to open one eye and saw Rebecca leaning over her, shaking her.
Audrey finally sat up and rubbed a sizable bump on the back of her head.
"Ow...." She muttered grumpily. Rebecca replied with a little smile and helped
Audrey pick herself up. The city girl finally looked around. "Where are we?" She
asked. "Everything's black and burnt..." Rebecca's voice shook slightly as she
answered. "This is the future, I guess...." Audrey's eyes began to wander about
the barren ground. She started walking and motioned for Rebecca to follow her.
They walked through crumbled structures and avoided blocks of stone lying in
their path. Soon, they were able to see a gray mass in the distance, and for
some reason, they quickened their pace, breaking into a run. They could see
more buildings and then heard a faint noise. As the girls reached the outskirts of
the place, they realized it was a city, but it was rather dreary, and boring. Audrey
started to walk straight into the street, but Rebecca held her back, whispering.
"Wait, hold on... Just wait until we can see what's going on." Audrey
sighed with impatience. "But how will we know what's going on if we don't-" she
was cut off by a loud cranking noise. They both turned quickly and saw that the
gate had been closed behind them. Several large animals emerged from behind
the buildings, followed by heavy men in dark robes. The two girls began to run,
but one of the figures threw a net over them, hauling them back. Audrey and
Rebecca were trapped! The group of creatures started to drag them towards the
building, and a heavy, sweet smell filled the air around them. Rebecca blacked
out in seconds, but Audrey only half closed her eyes, acting like she was
unconscious. "All right, leave them here." A deep voice boomed. The girls were
tossed into a dark damp room, and the door shut after them. Silence followed....
Chapter Three
Audrey heard soft crying a little ways away from her. She assumed it was
Rebecca, but then a small voice called out faintly, "Please, help me! You have to
help me!" Audrey peered through the darkness and saw a figure crawling
towards her. It was a girl, about eight or nine years old, Audrey guessed. The
girl was starting to get thin, weak, and gaunt. "I'm sorry, but I can't really help
you.." Audrey answered quietly. The girl looked at her with big dark eyes.
"What's your name?" Audrey asked timidly. "I'm Hope. I'm eight years old.. And
who are you?" Rebecca spoke up. "This is Audrey and I'm Rebecca. I'm, um,
from a different.." The girl scrambled away, with shock on her face. "You're
Rebecca?? She's.. She's after you!!" Rebecca grasped the girl's wrist tightly.
"Who? Who is??" "Your aunt!" The girl managed to squeeze out. Just then, the
door slammed open.
"Hello dear." A sickly sweet voice crooned. A tall lady,
adorned with beautiful jewels and priceless pearls and dressed in silk clothes
entered. "I just KNEW you'd be here.. Well sweetheart, I need that ring!"
Rebecca edged back, holding onto the ring. "No! I won't let you have it!" The lady
just laughed. "Now darling.. You know what your aunt is capable of! Now, just
hand over that ring, or ELSE.." Her voice grew harder. She stepped forward, but
Audrey barred her way. "No closer now! If you come a step nearer, we'll wish
ourselves away!" The lady started to laugh, a pretty laugh, but harsh, much like a
crow. "Are you really that dumb, you two? The ring can not be used unless it has
some magic resource.. You don't stand a chance!" She snapped her fingers and
one of the dark men snatched up Audrey and carried her out the door. Rebecca
and her aunt were left alone..
The woman came closer, her hand outstretched. "Darling.. I just want to
help you!" She crooned on, slowly coming closer. Rebecca became sleepier, her
eyelids fighting to close.. Then, the woman snatched the ring, cackling. "I have
it!" She cried, slipping it onto her own finger. "Now to summon up an army.."
"There is magic still in the ring! You lied!" Rebecca cried out. Her aunt turned
slowly, a smile on her face. "Of course! But why do you need to know? You'd
have had to give it to me anyway. Don't fret, darling... You'll be taken care of!
Now, look.." Rebecca glanced out the door and gasped. There were armies of
knights, soldiers, and others from ancient history, all prepared to serve their
master's wishes. Several of the robed men seized Rebecca and hauled her
outside. Her wrists were tied to a pole and she was forced to watch as her aunt
summoned up more and more armies, all prepared to conquer the Earth.
Audrey fought against the robed men as they carried her to a deep and
dark dungeon. Where was she? Was Rebecca okay? Though she had known
the strange girl for only a short time, Audrey had grown rather fond of her.
She was thrown into the cell and one hand and ankle were chained to the wall.
For the first time she realized that the young girl had been carried and chained
alongside her. "What is this aunt of Rebecca after? She seems awfully sinister."
Audrey's voice was questioning and fearful. "The ring Rebecca found. It has
magical powers, and with its help, Celia can kill her family, take over the
kingdom, and eventually rule the world. It's what she's been dreaming of for her
entire life and now she has the power to do so." "Kill her family?! But that
includes Rebecca!! We have to get out of here and stop her!!" Audrey was
frantic, and began meddling with her chains while Hope followed suit. Just as the
girls had finally gotten free, the iron door swung open, and Rebecca's evil-
looking aunt walked in, pulling Rebecca on a rope behind her. "Leaving so soon,
are we?" Said the sinister yet silky smooth voice. Celia walked to the girls
menacingly as the ring in her hand began to glow and the whip in her free hand
cracked...
The woman laughed as the girls shrunk back in fear. "Don't be trying to
escape NOW! There's thousands, nay, millions of troops outside, all at my
command! You'd be cut down before you got to the gate!" She pulled Rebecca to
the door, then paused for a moment. "I might spare your lives for you to be my
personal slaves.. And perhaps my lovely niece as well... But we will have to see
about that!" She tugged the poor girl out of the door, and Hope looked at Audrey
with big scared eyes. "What are we gonna do??"
Chapter Four
Celia pulled Rebecca along mercilessly as she began to walk to her stone
palace. "Come along, you worthless little princess. Maybe I'll be able to ransom
you back to your daddy in exchange for the world. Then I can use this magical
ring for other, more useful things." Her voice was cruel and hard as she spoke.
"No!! You can't!! Please, Aunt! I'll do anything, just don't touch this world!!"
Rebecca's cry was pitiful. She continued. "I'll be your personal slave and do
anything, just please don't hurt anyone!!" "Do you really think having a slave and
maybe a few gold coins will make up for not ruling the world or even the
kingdom? And besides, what's to stop me?" Celia laughed. "Continue dreaming,
my little niece.. It'll be the only sweet time you'll have!"
"Hope? Hope, are you there? Are you okay?!" "I'm here, Audrey." Hope's
voice was quiet. "Thank goodness!! Do you know what that....that woman did to
us??" Audrey was confused, and strangely, somewhat sleepy. Hope's answer
explained why. "That whip she had, well, it has a medicine in it so when she
cracks it, powder goes into the air, and causes people to become sleepy and
normally black out for quite a long time. Luckily, she only did it once, and I don't
think we were unconscious for more than a few minutes." "Well, that's a little bit o
of a relief, but what do we do now?," Audrey asked. "I'm not sure, but I know we
need to get out of here.. I heard one of the soldiers outside talking about selling
us! He said that was what the chief wanted, who I assume is Celia." " You know,
you're pretty smart for an eight year-old, so do you have a plan?" "Well, sorta: if
we can get one of the soldiers to come in, maybe we could get out the door."
Was Hope's reply. Suddenly Audrey jumped in the air and started to yell. "Ye-"
Hope's hand was clamped over her mouth in an instant. "Sshh, do you want the
guards on us?!" "Sorry, but I just had a brilliant idea!! If we distract one of the
soldiers and get him to come in here, we can knock him out with our chains, then
I'll dress up in his armor and say I'm taking you to Celia! After that we can find
Rebecca, get the ring, and wish ourselves away!!" "Why, that is genius,
Audrey!!.... Guard, guard we need help in here."
After the girls took care of the soldier, they left as planned, with Audrey
using her manliest voice possible to tell the other knights she was taking Hope
away. The confused soldiers must have looked into the cell, for soon the girls
heard pounding footsteps and loud voices behind them. "Run, Hope, run!!"
Audrey cried. Both ran as fast as they could, but the knights grew closer and
closer. Celia heard the commotion and looked out her window. "Ah, it looks like
your friends took the bait! Now, watch their fate, child, and learn!" She pulled
Rebecca to the window, forcing her head out. The two girls were running as fast
as they could and Rebecca could see a pit in front of them....
Chapter Five
"Pit!" She screamed, just in time for her friends to skid to a halt.
Rebecca's aunt covered her mouth, but Rebecca closed her teeth over the ring,
pulling it off her aunt's finger, then clasping it in her teeth. Celia tried to pry
Rebecca's lips open, but was unable to do so. By then, the two girls had made it
up to the chamber and Rebecca spit the ring out at them. Hope caught it and
slipped it on her finger, wishing the chasing soldiers away. Then she turned to
the window, wishing all the armies back in time. The courtyard was soon empty.
Celia collapsed to her knees, head in hands, weeping. "I think that's fair justice!"
Audrey said, smiling, while watching the defeated woman.
Just then, Celia sprang up, clutching at her necklace, a twisted grin on her
face. "Now you shall pay, all of you! You'll die slowly!" She tried to twist the
pendant stone, but it was stuck. She tugged and tugged at it, however, it refused
to budge. She grunted as her fingers snapped the stone clear off. Rebecca,
Hope and Audrey were falling about laughing as the woman stood there with a l
look of shock on her face. "This.. This was my mother's property! It holds so
much magic.." Rebecca managed to suppress her laughter and grabbed her
aunt's arm. "I think it's time for us to go home.. Hope, are you coming?" Hope
shook her head. "No, I think I'll stay with Audrey.. But you ARE going to come
back soon, aren't you?" Rebecca nodded. "Of course I will! Now, let's get you
back to your world."
Once they were back in modern day U.S.A, Audrey looked to Rebecca.
"I'm gonna miss you.." She said, tears in her eyes. Rebecca managed a smile.
"I'll be back soon! I promise." They embraced swiftly, then Rebecca reached out
to grab her aunt's arm, and twisted the ring. The pair jumped into the portal and
were gone! "Well, that certainly was an adventure, wasn't it?" Audrey said
quietly. Hope just nodded. "It sure was!" After that, they walked off hand in hand
into the bright New York sun.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey there, Phoebe!
The name's Storm, and I'll be reviewing for ya this afternoon.
Also, the formatting seems off. It might be a mistake, but your paragraphs lack indentions. Secondly, you never begin a another paragraph for dialogue. Remember that whenever a different character speaks, start a new line! 
Before I jump into the actual review, allow me a moment to give you my first impression of your piece, "The Ring of Time--The Ring of the Future". The beginning sentences honestly did not pull me right in. I had to continue reading well into the story in order to become hooked, because your introduction felt very rushed and lacked description. As the reader, I didn't feel connected to the main character at the start and the first few paragraphs flowed poorly. Maybe try expanding your beginning paragraphs, elaborating more on Rebecca, where she came from, how she received the ring, her initial thoughts, etc.
Now moving onto grammatical and punctual mistakes, I must congratulate you on the large lack of errors! I didn't discover anything that really stood out to me. In a few places, you misplace commas or add an extra comma in a spot where it doesn't need to be. However, these minor mistakes can be fixed after you do one more quick read through of your story, Phoebe.
Overall, "The Ring of Time" can be vastly improved. You have a great plot line here, even though it's a bit overused. This short story seems very rushed in the beginning, but that can easily remedied, my friend!!! Don't ever become discouraged, so as always: Write on!
---Stormsie
Thanks for the review!! I did realize that the formatting was off... Do let me inform you to not give me all the credit, cuz my friend anna actually wrote most of this story and i did the editing, as well as about a chapter of it. As far as "The Ring of Time-The Ring of the Future" this is actually just one short story in a book called the ring of time full of short stories involving the main character and this ring. "The Ring of the Future" is just the name of this particular story.
Hey! I am only going to review the first chapter, so I can get more done today, but know that I am doing it in great depth, to give you as much helpful feedback as possible.
Yours in ink
~Bloodink
Firstly, the opening line is an amazing start: 'Rebecca was tired of sitting up straight, sewing, and acting like a lady.' Not only does it sound very professional, it catches the reader's attention, because they are wondering... asking the question 'why?' So this is a great hook. Good start.
'her azure blue wool' I would perhaps suggest to be a bit careful of not over-doing the description, because it can seem a bit much. Don't repeat what 'azul' is either, the reader will know, and if they don't - they can get a dictionary! This is part of the fun of reading (learning new words.) as long as there aren't too many.
'Immediately, a great whirlwind swept her into the air, and she disappeared, without a trace.' Some of the other descriptive action sentences are a little cliché, you could maybe think about including the character's thoughts, engaging the senses and making sure you provide a vivid scene for the reader to imagination in their heads. Otherwise... they feel kind of shut out of the action.
Having said that, the following lines include more of what I mean: 'Suddenly, her body landed on a hard object and she hit her head. A sharp pain ripped through her entire body, then merciful darkness closed in.' But again, the end language is a little bit cliché.
It took me a few moments to realise that your story has changed genre, so to speak, so we are now focusing on: 'walking down the sidewalk.' To me, it raises cause for concern that Rebecca would know what a sidewalk was called, and also be familiar with the concept of gum and blowing bubbles! This seemed a bit ambiguous to me - how does she know?
"You're really pretty lost aren't you?" I think this line sums up acutely how I as the reader feels as well. What has happened? Why is it happening? Why is Rebecca not panicking more about what is going on around her? I don't think you've captured her feelings on the matter. This can be somewhat difficult to do when working with third person narration, but there needs to be more lines of prose on Rebecca's thought patterns and feelings. What is she sensing from this new world around her? Because at the moment, the only responses she's giving are taken from the action directly concerned with Audrey.
'she felt kinda sorry for this poor clueless girl.' I'm feel kinda sorry because this line does not fit the feel of your writing whatsoever. It is far too colloquial and also cliché once again!
Also, I don't know whether it's the way the document has been transferred but your lines are all over the place. You will know that lines of dialogue for separate characters need to be on separate lines. Prime example: '"Anyway, where are you from?" She asked. "I'm from the..."
Overall, this piece works in terms of dramatic value, in that the reader appreciates what has happened to the protagonist. But the details are blurry, the characters underdeveloped and the transitions jerky. The content is there, but this piece is desperately in need of review. Hope this helps. xx
Thanks!! We're happy to get reviews on it to help...ok, the panicking of being in a different world and things, as well as the sidewalk and gum...Rebecca isn't panicking very much because she believes she's just been transported to a different part of the world, not a whole other time. As far as the sidewalk and stuff, Rebecca doesn't know what hardly anything is, and that is the narrator talking... Thanks for the review!! will probably work on it when the entire book is done...
You're welcome. Fair enough, enjoy the editing process LOL. XD
Knight Dragon, here to review.
I see the formatting gremlin got you too. Do you have this saved in a word doc? my advice would be to upload it from the saved file to get the proper formatting. It's much simpler than going back through and hard-editing everything.
Second thing: break this up into smaller chapters. It's really hard to review this if it's in such a large, block chunk.
I don't have time to do the entire thing, so here's chapter 1.
It felt like almost a reverse Oz introduction. Instead of having her shoes, she dumps them, and then you blend the Magician's Nephew with the whirlwind. However, instead of a strange new world it's modern day USA. The biggest thing that stuck out was "Rebecca's soft brown eyes turned to her. "Why, it's the Middle Ages, 1264...." ". She wouldn't know to call it the Middle Ages, because there is no middle when you're on the end (or edge) of something. Also, how does she know modern English immediately? Is that an effect of the ring? Otherwise her language wouldn't be entirely understandable. [Shakespearean English is late 15th century, so this would be two centuries before that].
Hope this helps!
I was actually thinking about the Middle Ages ordeal.. I suppose we should change it to just the date. What do you think, Phoebe?
Ok, that's fine....yeah, when I previewed it though it was totally different and the formatting was fine...I guess we hadn't really thought about the English