Young Writers Society

Hi there! Thanks for sharing the first chapter of your story. I'm intrigued by the concept, and I think you have a great idea for a potentially amazing story. I hope to see your second chapter soon! Now, bear with me for a quick review.

Firstly, I think your format is a bit distracting. All bolded and italicized letters makes it hard to focus on the actual story. Also, I think it would be helpful to separate the story into paragraphs, and add more dialogue to bring out the action a little more- just describing the events makes it feel bland. There are a few grammar errors as well, but others have pointed them out, so I won't comment specifically on them.

Also, There are a lot of questions left by the end of this. And while that can be easily fixed by adding more chapters, I feel like there isn't enough of information given in this first chapter. Too much exposition can ruin a story (especially early on), but just the right amount makes a story that much better. I feel like answering just a few of the questions readers are left with, would make it more intriguing. Like... What's this character's name? How old is she, as she is described as a "little girl" and why is she home alone if she is "little"? And in the last line, she is hit over the head and collapses. Does the hit knock her out, thus why the chapter ends abruptly? I think by clarifying this in more detail would help to make a smoother end/transition to the next chapter.

Overall, I am very excited to read the next chapter for this! It sounds very interesting and I'll be keeping an eye out for it! keep writing!

-Katja

Hello PeanutAnnie! A little late, but welcome to YWS.

Okay, so first off, I don't think you really need to have italics and bold for this entire section. You should probably only use those to emphasize things!

Second, while you have this as the first chapter, it's only a paragraph long! While paragraphs are perfectly fine and lovely, I think a lot could be added just to this scene. This can be done in multiple parts, and you don't have to dump all the information on the reader at once. Just a little bit more to start off with might be nice.

Since this is the first paragraph of the first chapter, you should draw the reader in. You do this with the immediate kidnapping scene and the tension associated with that. In the description, you said that the girl is kidnapped because of her father. That's more information we get than we do in the first chapter itself! Does this girl suspect something might happen to her because of her father? Is she absolutely oblivious to it?

About the girl herself. We don't know anything about her! While readers don't immediately need to know tiny details like eye color and clearly can't get to know her until later in the story, it might be good to have specific traits that make her unique. She's clearly scared of the kidnapping, but was she scared when she was home alone? Is she a "little girl", as the kidnappers say, or is she a little older and shows that by being more mature? Characters are very deep, but we don't know this character very well at all -- we don't even know her name.

Besides giving a bit of background on the girl, you may want to give done more background of the situation. Again, the father thing -- is it something she's aware of? Why are her parents away, and maybe for how long if that factors into the kidnapping? By expanding in the time before the kidnapping, you can also increase the tension. Instead of a single, quick event, you can go into the girl's fear as she's in the closet, clothes brushing her head. How she's afraid, but takes the risk to get her phone. The sounds of the kidnappers' footsteps outside her door. Maximize the suspense! It's a good place for that. I think that would also help you to better establish your character.

When all the action happens at the end, I know it's fast paced (which makes sense, considering the situation), but you can still put more into it. She screams, but you should try to show how desperate she (likely) is to get away. Screaming, clawing, struggling. Try to show whatever the girl is feeling, and make the readers feel it too!

Right now, this reads like a typical kidnapping. While it's a good start, and I want to see where you go with it, make it unique! Why do I care about this particular girl and this particular kidnapping? There are a lot of interesting elements you can add, so hopefully you'll let loose a bit and see where your writing takes you!

Good luck on future writing! Just let me know if you have any questions about the review or anything on the site.

-Q

Hi, I'm Thundahguy, and I'll make my review bold as well. Here it is:

There are many reasons one would choose to write a first person from a third person perspective. One of those reasons is insight. Insight into the mind of your protagonist, your focal point. In your mind, you don't go 'I have eaten breakfast, then I have brushed my teeth.' You comment on it internally. Something like 'Breakfast was delicious, but I hate how I have to brush my teeth afterwards.' This immediately gives more insight into the protagonist than the first example.

Now with that short note out of the way, let's examine this line by line, shall we?

It was pitch dark when I woke up suddenly, sweaty profusely.

I was alone at home. suddenly I heard a big bang in the front door.

I was scared but I went out in the dark to see what is going on downstairs. I heard three men talking. I was so scared that I ran back to my room and hid myself in the closet. I was breathing heavily.

while I was hiding I was looking for my phone. I saw my phone, it was on the table beside the door of my room. I thanked God that the door was closed.

I ran towards my phone to call my folks but suddenly my door opened and one guy wearing black outfit was standing in front of me. he shouted, " hey, I found the little girl." and grabbed my hands tightly.

I tried to let go of my hands but he was too strong for me. other two guys came and they were also wearing black outfits. one of them tied my hands and dragged me out of my room.

I screamed but they said that it was useless for me to shout. when I continued shouting for help they said that they won't hurt me if I stopped shouting but I didn't listen to them and one of the hit me on the head and I collapsed.

Thanks for sharing and for making an honest effort to write an interesting story in the first person singular POV. Nice introduction that immediately grabbed my attention. Interesting scenario involving a breaking in. The expression "big bang "distracted me by reminding me of the "Big Bang Theory".

Please note that the repeated lack of proper punctuation and grammar mistakes kept taking my mind off the story.

Suggestions:

Go straight for the phone and delete the closet action.
Describe what they were wearing. Otherwise we cant't see the details.
Careful with the tenses. You are shifting from one to another.

"...they said they wouldn't" is the correct tense.

Bolding the entire composition and not paragraphing it makes it hard to read.

Grammar and Punctuation mistakes:

"sweaty profusely" when what is meant is "sweating profusely."
Lack of capitalization to start a sentence. "Suddenly".

"knocking ïn the front doors" as opposed to "...knocking on or at the front door"

"while I was hiding...." lacks capitalization.


Tense discrepancy in

" ....went to see what [is]"

The following doesn't make sense: "I tried to let go of my hangs...."

Please note that it is extremely difficult to keep the mind on the story when coming across one mistake after another in that way. So learning proper punctuation and grammar are extremely important in order to succeed in keeping the reader's attention. In any case, the conclusion leaves the reader wondering what comes next, which is good.