Note: This is basically a free write, I guess... If its confusing, tell me and I'll explain everything.
It’s as if they don’t see me, as if I’m not there. They spill out of the house and crowd around Emily, radiant Emily. Under the trees and the sun her face is beautiful, and I touch my own wondering why I don’t look the same. She says something and they chatter and laugh and giggle and shout taking it all in, her radiance.
But Emily, not seeing their excitement and love, their overwhelming admiration, pushes them away, saying she’s too tired. But they press on and try to convince her to play with them.
She nods.
Her lips move.
“Five minutes. Five minutes, only.” They say. They all walk in the house, not even noticing my absence or silence.
And I’m surprised. Surprised that I still haven’t been able to control the tightening of my throat, my chest, my heart. Surprised how sad I feel. Yes, sad. I’m surprised by how hard the tears are pressing against my eyes.
Haven’t I learned, though? Haven’t I?
No. Apparently not.
From the beginning its always been Emily. Emily with the soft, straight hair, Emily with the large round eyes.
Emily.
Emily.
Emily.
The smarter one, the kinder one, the one without a temper.
All the time. Emily. The adults they all say, "Ah, Emily, you've grown into such a beautiful young lady! A freshman now, right? What you plan to be when you grow up?"
"I've thought about it, she says with a smile, "I want to become a doctor."
"My! What a choice! A doctor!" They turn to me, "And you, Elizabeth? What would you like to be?"
"I-I-I don't know," I whisper, and turn away, ashamed.
"I'm sure you'll find out soon enough!" They try to put some sort of excitement in their voices, trying to hide their sneers, trying to treat Emily and I as equals. But we're not. And they know. And I know. In fact, everyone knows. Except for Emily. Innocent Emily. Just another wonderful trait to add to the name Emily.
My shoulders feel heavy and suddenly my stomach is churning.
How could they? How could they abandon me like this? How could they, after everything I’ve done for them? The crying and whining and tantrums I’ve put up with? The hours I’ve put into them. All the money that has always been carefully saved up, all those days walking in malls and shops looking for the perfect gifts til my feet hurt! And yet... They see me as some sort of bank and only tolerate me for the shiny new gifts.
My head, my eyes, my throat, my chest, they all hurt. Hurt so much.
The jealousy threatens to burst out of me
Jealousy. Such an evil and ugly thing.
I walk into the house and see Emily telling them that she was tired and would go take a nap. But they beg and beg and beg for her to stay.
Oh, what I wouldn’t do for that kind of attention.
Emily looks up and sees me, “Ah! Elizabeth! Why don’t you come play with our cousins, I’m sure they would be delighted!”
And this is my chance! This is my chance to be loved, to be noticed, to be… but one look at them and I know it’s impossible. Their faces show disappointment and they look repulsed, eyeing my thick, short legs, large nose, and thick glasses.
I’m not a pretty thing. If you’re reading this in anticipation of a beautiful, popular heroine, well I’m sorry to disappoint.
They try to smile, but I would have to be blind not to see the disappointment in their eyes. Their eyes seem glassy as if, they’ve blocked me out, wondering how much longer they’d have to put up with ugly, repulsive Elizabeth.
And do you know what the horrible thing is? I accept them. I can’t help but want and need, to crave this attention.
I stand there waiting to be invited and welcomed, just like Emily.
Silence.
“So, what would you guys like to do?”
Silence.
And just I’ve been given this opportunity, it’s taken away.
Emily suddenly appears, breaking the awkward silence and says cheerily, “I think I’m alright now! I’m ready to play!” The fog rolls out of their eyes and there’s the cheering and laughing again.
And I want to blame her, blame Emily so bad. "IT'S ALL YOU FAULT!" I want to scream. I want her to know how it feels to be shunned by the ones you love. I want her to want. I want.
But I can't. Emily has no idea, I've never told her, told anyone how I feel. All this anger, all this jealousy, all this-- this... sad. It's been welled up inside of me, with nowhere to go.
And I know. I know that if I had been given the chance, the looks, I could be just as good as what Emily is! Even better! I would soar above and beyond, surpassing Emily. Of course, this is all a fantasy, a day dream. Some things totally and utterly impossible.
And as Emily brushes past me, she whispers jokingly, “I’ll take these little monsters of your hands now.”
Ah jealousy, such an evil, ugly thing.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Back again! Here to review your revised work
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I can't remember too much about it originally, since I haven't seem this in a while, but I have to say, though I thought this piece was good before, you somehow managed to make it even better! Just like the first time, your writing flows across the page and is just so easy to read. Your words and writing style have a lot of personality, and this story has a tone that is almost a mix of humor and anger. Plus the details were phenomenal.
What really improved this time around is the characterization. The reader found out a lot more about both Emily and Elizabeth, which I think is what the original draft was missing. Amazing job!!!
For the line, "Ah, Emily, you've grown into such a beautiful young lady! A freshman now, right? What you plan to be when you grow up?" You need to change "what you plan to be" to "what do you plan to be." I think you missed a word there
Besides that, I found no grammar errors at all. Great!
Hope this helped, keep writing!!!!
Thank you! I'm really glad you think so! And yes, I missed a word there. Haha
All right, here I am with my second review!
This was a lot better the second time through. The description gave me a clearer view of the girls and it definitely helped to know how old Elizabeth is. I'm still a little curious, though. They're sisters, right? Is one older than the other or are they fraternal twins?
Other than that, it was really good, and I'd love to just know more about them in general. The way you set up the characters is fascinating and I kind of wonder what everything is like from Emily's point of view if you ever decide to go farther with this. Hope this helps!
Thank you! I thought about making a "sequel" for Emily, and I might do it! Yes, they are sisters, and I'll try to make it better when I revise it. Again, thanks so much for the review!
Review again! Because I want my next star and you liked mine
I feel like this is worded weird. I get what you're saying but I think there are better words that "boiling" to describe that feeling.
Usually when things are repeated it's three times just because the rhythm is better so I'd cut one out.
I liked this a lot. The concept is something a lot of people can relate to and you create Elizabeth well. I loved how you use small children because they're an example of how people can hurt us even when they don't seem to know it. It was good and a good length I think too, to get the point across efficiently. Well done.
Thank for the review! Wow, your reviews are good. I dunno, they just are, kind of gets by brain going... You know? I'll work on it when I have time! Again, thanks for the review!
Thanks so much! That means the world to me!
No problem. ^_^
I really love the concept here, something many can relate to. I also enjoyed how Elizabeth speaks of her jealousy in such a straight forward manner. Absolutely no beating around the bush, making excuses, or looking for pity, just an explanation.
Elizabeth is developed rather well, but I think there could be a bit more background for her. Not necessarily explicit, it could just be implied. I'd like to know a bit more about where this all started. Obviously it's been going on quite awhile considering her questioning "Haven't I learned yet?" but why? Is it only within family when Emily is around she feels this way? Is she bullied in school? I'm also a bit confused on her feelings towards Emily besides the jealousy. Is she angry? Does she blame Emily for being beautiful? Does she blame herself for not being beautiful? The way I read it, it seems that Emily has no idea that Elizabeth feels this way and treats her kindly, and it seems Elizabeth really just feels left out but I also see some underlying hatred in lines like "My stomach boiled". Where is that hate placed? I think the middle would be the best place to play around with the other emotions the jealousy has caused, and then let the beginning and end focus on the jealousy alone like you already have to really let that beautiful theme come through.
The only other thing I caught were a few minor typing errors, but a quick proof read will sort that out. Last line should be "Ah jealousy, such AN evil, ugly thing" but I'm sure someone has already pointed that out.
Really a fantastic piece, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Ah, thank you. I will revise with all the feedback I got, if I can find the time. Thank you so much for taking your time to review.
ED here to review.
First off, this isn't confusing at all. It flows quite nicely, the prose is smooth. It makes perfect sense to me.
But there is one thing that I was a bit confued about: what was the protagonist's age supposed to be? At first, she seems to speak like a child (maybe 10?) but that is belied later on, especially by this here:
Try and remain consistent with the voice. We should know instinctively how old she is just by the words she uses, the way she talks.
Now, the only other advice I have to offer is this: While you've done a great job characterizing and showing emotion, try to bring it up a notch. Make this specific, personal, and unique. I don't know if universalism was your intention or not, but try to bring out the character and her specific feelings of jealousy. This could almost apply to anyone. Round her out, make her unforgettable. And with that being said, I think you get a lot more poetic with the prose. Let your words fly free, don't worry about holding back. You will never know how well something works until you try it.
Hope that helps
~ED
Oh wow. Thank you for such wonderful advice! She is supposed to be a girl, maybe 10 or 11. I will probably edit this! Thank you again for the feedback!
No prob.
This was very refreshing to read, it read almost like a diary entry which isn't saying that's a bad thing. I really like the way you jump straight into the narrative, a lot of shorts have this stigma of having to introduce everything and describing everything around them all at once and it's nice to let it come through the story naturally.
It's a very enclosed idea really, by that I mean it would probably work better as a poem of some sort. This breathed emotion rather than a story with characters, it's all about how she feels and why she feels it, if you cut away some of the fat and really condensed that emotion then it would come out really great. That's if you want to, as a short it still works, because it's a snapshot of this person, we don't know anything about her and what she's like other than how she sees herself against this Emily character which is quite cool. There isn't a need to mention all this stuff because it's the main character telling you the story and she only cares about this Emily girl at this time show that's all she talks about. I liked it. Keep writing.
“I’ll take these little monsters of your hands now.” of should be off
little tiny edit
Hope this helps, more of a concept review but I hope you know what I mean.
LMJ
Thanks so much taking your for this! I did have trouble deciding on how to start it, but I'm really glad you liked how I did it.
I noticed that as I was writing it that it had a bit of a "rhythm" to it (kinda get what I mean?) but i really wanted to try out a piece that is somewhat like a short story. I've always liked the idea of writing a snapshot of a person's life or showing emotion. For example, I would think of a dialogue in my head but I wouldn't have a story to put in but the scene would continue in my head so I decided to try it out.
This was written maybe in 45 minutes to an hour, cuz I thought it would be cool to post something not revised or edited. I don't know. Just thought people might want to see that.
Again, thanks so much for writing this! I really appreciate the feedback!
Wow, this is a very plain, effective description of how this "Elizabeth" is envious of someone else. It boils right down to the point of how she feels and I like that a lot. However, I would love to know more about Elizabeth and Emily's relationship; are they sisters? Friends? Cousins? How old are they--kids, teenagers, adults? And what about the cousins? All I know as your audience is that there's a vague crowd of little cousins wanting to play with Emily and not Elizabeth.
Your grammar and writing style is very fluent. It's easy, enjoyable, and magnetic; it pulls in your audience. For a freewrite, this is an impressive bit of work. However, I think adding just a bit more background to support the rest of the story would be just what it needs. Over all, well done!
Thank you! Im glad you liked this piece! I knew that this would be confusing, but you know, i just decided to post it anyways. I probably will revise this.
Again, thanks so much for the feedback!
I love this piece. You really have a wonderful writing style! It flows across the page and is just so easy to read. You also write with a lot of personality, which is awesome for 1st person points of views. You made this story light and humorous, while at the same time sad and angry. That's really impressive and it's good for stories like this. Your details were just perfect: not too much, not too little. And your characterization was great, too. Overall, there's nothing I could really say that's bad about this piece.
Oh, there's just one type. "She says something and they chatter and laugh and giggle and shout taking it all it." You just need a comma after shout, that's all.
Well, that's it! Great job!!!
Thank you! Im really glad you liked this! : )