I had a perfect life. I lived in the most perfect house, I had a perfect boyfriend, I always wore the most the perfect clothes every single day, I was very athletic, super smart, and I was friends with just about every person at my high school. I was a very friendly girl, everyone thought I was really fun and lovable. Almost every person loved my light blonde curly hair because they said it matched my personality.
It was a bright and sunny Tuesday morning, and I was ready to have one of my usual perfect days. I just turned 16 years old last Friday, and my parents surprised me with a New Black Mercedes Benz for my birthday. It was the best birthday present that I had recieved in my entire life! So I got into my new car and started driving to school. Once I got to the high school I headed to my first hour, advanced algebra. It was a regular long and boring class, and that’s how my terrible day started.
After lunch I met up with Liam, the best boyfriend that I could ever ask for, during our study hall. I was expecting it to be another good day of my life, but it was way far from that. Liam said that he just really didn’t want to be in a relationship at the time, but he still wanted us to be best friends. Though I didn't know how I felt about the “best friends” thing. I felt like my heart had just broken, and I wanted to cry, a lot. So the first thing I did was grab my stuff and storm out of the room. I ran to my car and sped away, I was clearly over the speed limit, but I didn't care a single bit.
When I arrived home after the long day it was very quiet and peaceful, and no one was home. So thankfully no one would have to listen to me cry after my horrible day. I just realized that we had soccer practice after school today, and when you don’t make it to practices you don’t get to start the game. My entire life was starting to fall apart. I felt like a rock, lonely, sad, and heartbroken. Tears falling from my eyes, and my heart crushing after this long, very bad day. After about 27 more minutes of crying I decided to read a book so that I could get my mine off of reality. I took out “The Hunger Games”. The last time that I had read it was when I was around 11 years old.
For a moment I just wished that I could be Katniss and have someone that loves me more than I love them. Blinking quickly I tried to get all of the water out of my eyes out, but as I opened my eyes I could could see my tear flying towards the page. Once it hit the page a vibration went through my entire body and I felt like I was being hit by a car driving at 80 miles per hour. Suddenly My room around me disappeared, and I saw a quick flash of black. BAM! Once I opened my eyes I realized I was in the book, and at the scene where the clocks counting down for the games. If I jump off the pod I can have no pain, and I might die anyways, but I really don’t feel like getting killed because i stepped off of pod. My heart feels as it’s beating at 500 miles per hour. I feel scared to death because I might actually die, but at the same time I somehow feel excited to have my mind clear of the day. I can feel sweat slowly drop down my face as the timer becomes slower and slower. “10, 9, 8” says the announcer, and I get more scared as each second becomes smaller. The voice continues “4, 3, 2” and I feel like I almost
just want to cry, scared of what will happen in the next day. But much bigger that fills my mind is “How did I even get into the book in the first place?”
A loud buzzer goes off and everyone sprints in different directions, but when I try to move it seems like my feet are glued to the pod. I don't know if they are actually stuck or if I am just in shock. I must be the imaginary glue keeping my feet from moving off the pod. Peeta comes running up to me and I feel like he’s just going to kill me so that he can win that games faster. Instead he comes up and grabs my legs and tries to start running, but right as he touches me I get the same feeling that I had coming into this mess. All I see is the black and I feel like I’m dying pretty much. BAM!
When I wake and finally can see again I’m just laying in the middle of my chevron mint green and grey bedspread, and haven’t moved since I went into the story. I slowly sat up, glancing around my room to see if everything is still the same. I get up to walk down stairs to see if anyone is home yet, but I find someone else then I thought that I would find. Liam sits on a chair close to the door, he must have got in with the spare key that I showed him. Twinkling, bright, and gleamy his perfect light blue eyes stare at me. I walked closer to him and wanted to break the silence so I said “ You would not believe how bad of a day I have been having.” “Mine has been pretty bad too, and I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I was just having a really bad morning and it came out of my mouth without me thinking.” He said as he slowly walked over to me and told me that he was truly sorry. After I explained my “Hunger games experience” with him he just said that it was probably just a bad dream. And After that I went back to my perfect life I had before this crazy day.
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138,001 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hi PaytonS!
Great start for a beginning writer! I have a few quick notes though on how you can improve. At first, the transition from the bedroom to the book was a little bit fast for me. Maybe you can add more description about what she was thinking and feeling while that was happening. Also, I don't know if this was intentional or not, but you broke off the paragraph whith the sentence, "The voice continues"4,3,2" and I feel like I almost just want to cry, scared of what will happen the next day." You broke off the paragraph right after " almost". If that was intentional, I think you should finish the paragraph after the sentence is finished, then indent. Other than that, I liked it and you did a great job. Can't wait to see what you do in the future!
Interesting title! It matches perfectly to your story.
There are a couple of things you need to improve.
1. The indentation of the first paragraph. It’s not consistent with the rest of the story.
2. You started almost every sentence with “I” in the first paragraph. This could have been done for a particular effect, but it does get repetitive. Try using different sentence structures.
3. You told us that Liam broke up with her. It would have been better if you showed it to us. Here, you could have used dialogues and described her feelings/thoughts. You could have also taken the chance to give us details of their appearances.
4. In the last paragraph, you have structured the dialogues incorrectly. Remember: every time a new character speaks, another paragraph should be started.
For example:
“How can you do this to me?” Genelia shouted, grabbing a cushion and throwing it at him.
Rick ducked and the cushion flew over his head. “What did I do?”
“You’re asking me about that?”
Did you see how easy it is to follow the story this way?
Overall, I see a lot of potential in this story. It just needs to be revised and edited, and it’ll be much better.
Well done for all your efforts, and keep writing!
This is a very interesting story. I loved the descriptive words in it, and I the part when we realized why you chose to title it, A Blink of an Eye, was very beautiful. I love the realistic actions she makes, I probably would have sat there crying and wishing too. Good job and keep writing!