Salt#1 (part one)

Pawprint wrote:I literally have not written for a year! I feel extremely rusty while I was writing this. Well, rip it apart if you have to. Just want to see how I am doing after being away from writing!
... well here it goes...
(Wow a year! I'm glad you began writing again! I like this piece, but there's a few things that need to be fixed. My corrections are in bold)


Chapter 1

My fingers easily sliced through the warm sand. ("Slicing" sand doesn't actually appeal much to me... how about, "my fingers easily slid through the warm sand"? ) Each grain just slipped through, never to be caught. The sun was high overhead; it's rays seeping deep into my head.(This imagery is a bit awkward; maybe the sun should be soaking you hair, not seeping into your head.) I wanted to remember every little detail about this beach, experiencing it and lodging it in my memory. It was around noon and I would be leaving soon. I sadly watched the ocean breathe and roll. I was going to miss all of this. The warm sand, the calm ocean, the bright sun, and the bittersweet smell (Most often people associate a salted smell with the ocean but other than that, well done with the description).
“Cora, get in the car!”
I turned to see my mother waving her hands over her head. I frowned. She continued her frantic motion as I refused to move. She probably thought I had not seen her. My frowned deepened. Did she think I was that stupid not to notice her? [s]I felt stubborn and turned away.[/s] (I stubbornly turned away)
"Cora!" my mother yelled, again. I sighed in annoyance, but I stood up. Finally, with one last whiff of that salty scent, I trudged through the sand to join her.
***
It has always been my mother and I, [s]traveling from city to city and state to state[/s] (traveling from one city or state to another). In my whole lifetime, I had probably lived in four different states, all in the south. Never had we moved north, until now. I do not remember my father since my mother left him, taking me with her. I was barely two years old. My mother told me he was a dangerous man. Whenever I tried to picture him, a man with a scowling face and dark hair always came to mind. She refused to talk any more about him, bitterly telling me that he might as well be dead. [s]I cringed against those words.[/s] (I cringed whenever I heard those words.)
We somehow managed to get by with the little money we had. It was quite a mystery to me, since whenever we seem to be running short a wad of bills suddenly appear like magic. But I dare not think that my mother stole.
My mother was a petite woman with an unruly red mane, and bright blue eyes. She disliked large crowds and usually preferred to work in small diners or some other small, simple job. She always seemed happy with her new work. I always hoped that we would stay for good, long enough for me to go to school, but we would always be back on the road in a week or so. Every time we moved, it seemed like we kept moving further away from the ocean itself, if that was possible.
We were now on our way to Minnesota, a rainy and cold state from what I heard. I dreaded the arrival since I had grown accustomed to the warm weather of Florida. I had tried to change my mother’s mind, telling her that there was no point in traveling so far. Alabama and Georgia would be good enough. But she refused, stating that she had good friends that could help us in Minnesota. That’s what she always said. Never had I met any of these “friends.”
We had been driving for about four hours and I was completely bored out of my mind. We had never we been on the road for so long. The weather was cloudy, adding to the affect of boredom. I groaned impatiently for the thousandth time, directing it to my mother. She rolled her eyes then sighed, defeated. A glimmer of hope sparked in my chest.
“Fine. We’ll take a break at a rest stop, but we’re still going to Minnesota,”
I frowned, but accepted it since it was probably the best offer I could get.
My mother directed our sturdy trailer to the next exit as I stood up and made my to the small closet, our only closet. I picked out an old, plain sweater not caring much if it matched with what I wore. Appearances were not important to me. I would not even mind wearing the same clothing everyday if it were not so disgusting.
The trailer came to a stop and I peered out a small window. We were in front of a small diner, bordered by small palm trees. Not what I hoped for, but it was better than nothing.
“We are not staying here for more than thirty minutes so hurry up, Cora,” my mother warned and jumped out onto the pavement.
I zipped up my sweater and hopped out of the trailer, slamming the large door behind me. The morning air was still pretty chilly and I was glad that I wore a warm garment. I stood there for a while, observing the parking lot. There were probably five cars at the most; not much. Just the place my mother would have chosen. She was already at the door of the diner giving me a look. I bowed my head in a silent apology and quickly jogged towards her impatient form.




(I think it's good! The only thing you need to pay attention to is Sentence length: you should vary the length of your sentences. Try to refrain from keeping them one length.

And you should pay attention to how you've wrote it all out... you jump from past to present day a lot so you should just keep an eye on that. Keep writing! And PM Me when you have more!)

I tried to make it better, but I'm not sure if thats exactly what I did...

Hey there Pawprint.

My fingers easily sliced through the warm sand. Each grain just slipped through, never to be caught. The sun was high overhead, warming my dark hair.

I’m going to miss all this, the warm sand, the calm ocean, the bright sun, and that bittersweet smell.

I turned to see my mother waving her hands over her head.

She continued her frantic motion as I refused to move.

It has always been my mother and I, traveling from city to city and state to state

My father ceased to exist in our lives and we were left alone with little money.

I had tried to change my mother’s mind, telling her that there was no point in traveling so far.

We had been driving for about two hours and I was completely bored out of my mind.

I picked out an old hand-me-down sweater not caring much if it matched with what I wore. Appearances were not important to me. I think it was pointless in trying to impress people by beautifying yourself. You are either pretty or ugly, period. There is no need to add the disgusting gunk on your face or wear flashy clothes to cover up the flaws.

Hey Pawprint! I like your username - how cute! =3

My fingers easily sliced through the warm sand. Each grain just slipped through, never to be caught. The sun was high overhead, warming my dark hair. It was around noon and soon I would be leaving soon. I will be moving far away from the coasts. I sadly watched the ocean breath and roll. I’m going to miss all this, the warm sand, the calm ocean, the bright sun, and that bittersweet smell.

I groaned impatiently for the thousands time, secretly directing it to my mother.

My mother drove off into the next exit as I stood up and made my to a small closet.

Appearances were not important to me. I think it was pointless in trying to impress people by beautifying yourself. You are either pretty or ugly, period. There is no need to add the disgusting gunk on your face or wear flashy clothes to cover up the flaws.

Hahaha well YAY for you writing again! Also I won’t “rip” it apart but I will make comments if that is okay...

My fingers easily sliced through the warm sand. Each grain just slipped through, never to be caught. The sun was high overhead, warming my dark hair. It was around noon and soon I would be leaving soon.

I will be moving far away from the coasts.

I sadly watched the ocean breath and roll.

I’m going to miss all this, the warm sand, the calm ocean, the bright sun, and that bittersweet smell.

It has always been my mother and I

My father ceased to exist in our lives

That’s what she always said.

I groaned impatiently for the thousands time, secretly directing it to my mother.

. I picked out an old hand-me-down sweater not caring much if it matched with what I wore

Appearances were not important to me. I think it was pointless in trying to impress people by beautifying yourself. You are either pretty or ugly, period. There is no need to add the disgusting gunk on your face or wear flashy clothes to cover up the flaws.