Published September 11, 2011
The exorcist grinned his mad grin, and Dwight had the sudden urge to either vomit or laugh; he wasn’t quite sure which.
“Understand one rule, grasshopper,” said the exorcist, the maniacal grin still sketched across his face. “It’s the most important rule in the history of the universe, or at least our universe. Puts ‘do unto others’ to shame and shambles. Sacrilegious, yeah, but the fact of the matter remains that the truth, lie, and exception to everything you know about life is this: Eliminate the impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Then, eliminate the improbable, then whatever remains, however impossible, is most likely going to bite your damn head off. You following me? Yes? No? Maybe so?”
Dwight said nothing; the argument seemed pretty self-explanatory.
The exorcist cocked the gun and spun it around his fingers. He blew across the barrel, and to Dwight he looked strangely like a gunslinger.
The door they had barred began to rattle again, violently, and it was clear that the chair wouldn’t hold for long. The entire room seemed to vibrate and spasm at irregular intervals. Pictures flew off the wall and shattered on the floor and the reverend’s desk systematically rattled against the floor, and Dwight’s lunch threatened once again to abandon him. An inhuman roar erupted from the other side of the door, and suddenly the chair-as-a-barrier plan didn’t seem like such a brilliant strategic maneuver.
The exorcist must have seen the fear in his eyes.
“Don’t worry,” he said, still grinning like a maniac in a room full of red balloons. “I gotchya. You’re gonna be great, Dwight Markos. You and me. Like Batman and Robin, Cheech and Chong, Tonto and the Lone Ranger, the Musketeers except without the third guy. Come on, Markos! Let’s kill something!”
Dwight nodded tentatively but before he could speak the door shattered. The piano came charging in, fire and brimstone burning in its wake.
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140,930 Literary Works • 673,753 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was quite an enjoyable piece right here...there is quite a lot going ad through it all you tell the main ideas of what you want here quite well. The only issue I have at first glance is that this would honestly be much more at home being the first chapter of a story...not necessarily a prologue like what we've got it down as here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well, this is a very interesting line for things to open on here. You can certainly see that the exorcist here appears to be a very unsettling individual and the dialogue here definitely seems to lend some credence to that being a thing. The dialogue itself is a tiny bit rambly, like I can understand where its trying to go, but its not fully clear, it feels like around halfway through, the person speaking kind of forgets where they were trying to go with the statement.
Okay...well that is definitely strange, one does not normally associate exorcists with being gunslingers of any sort...so that was definitely out of the blue and certainly adds to the general sense of unease that seems to be all over the place in this prologue.
Ooh, loving the description right there, you can sense something very powerful and very much not human is present on the other side of that door and while the exorcist seems rather thrilled and excited at the notion, this poor kid here is trying hard not to run away screaming. You certainly manage to bring across the power of what they're facing quite well with these descriptions.
Well...the exorcist is certainly quite a character there, I honestly cannot decide between hating the man or liking the man with how he acts, and I do feel sorry for poor Dwight who appears to be way in over his head although it does look like he's come here voluntarily. Also love that ending...just a piano charging at them with fire behind it is hilarious but also terrifying in its own right.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty well executed piece here, I certainly like this fun dynamic with the exorcist, and the crazy fight defying reality that they appear to getting themselves into right here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Paaaaul, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
That comma's annoying me but I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Seek a second opinion?
What the heck is this supposed to mean? xD Ich bin eine confused Stella.
Not really, I have no idea what this sentence means either. What argument? If he hasn't said anything then it's not an argument and it was anything but self-explanatory.
II. PROLOGUES
I'm really iffy about prologues. In fact, I prefer when they're not there at all unless they're providing something essential- like backstory or a different perspective. That said, as you've pointed out, in media res is used a lot and often to great effect and I definitely think this is a much stronger opening to your previous one. It definitely has that "wow!" factor. But at the same time, I don't know. It's an extract. It's the sort of thing you'd read in a book preview and then buy the book. As a prologue, does it set the story up well? It's just taking a bite of the story and saying, "Here's what's to come!" And it's good- it is, as a scene it's fantastic and the last line was so brilliant- but I'm just not sure that it's the best way to start off. *shrugs* Writing is rewriting. Finish your draft and take a long hard look and decide if this belongs here or if the scene's better off where it is, literally in media res.
III. OVERALL
I know I'm grumbling but I actually adored that! Clear up the confusion and think about what purpose you want it so serve and you're set!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
I liked this. I wasn't hooked at first but it was short enough for me to press on. I think this is really original, whilst reading it part of me was guessing at inspiration - what is this like? But nothing sprung to mind so I resigned and conceded. This is damn original.
The writing itself isn't bad. It's not that good either. Particularly the last line, with such an original plot and unique characters, it's a little easier than regular prose to avoid the cliches because as far as I'm concerned you are beating your own path with this. Yet you managed to push one or two cliches in and most notably 'hell broke loose.' What a dull worn way to end this. You have an opportunity to hook us, but you fail.
The chair against the door is cliche and described like every other 'chair-against-the-door' lock. For one thing it doesn't work so well, and another thing, it's really unoriginal. You can make the scene a little clearer by having their backs against it, and like that we have a clear idea as to how they are standing how close they are, how calm the exorcist must be to talk whilst putting his weight against the door? I don't know something like that would be a lot better.
Other than that well done. This was reasonably enjoyable and could work alone, as a short story - if you chose to cut it off here.
JP
Edit: Much better ending now!