Deleted. Feel free to PM me if you're a former reader wondering why/where it is now. If the mods would rather delete this entirely, feel free. The reviews are sort of nice to look back on now and then as pick me ups though.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Pattycakes!
I'm probably going to be totally unhelpful today, because that was probably the best time I've had reading something all summer. XD You speak the truth--about incestuous relationships, Polish jokes, power outlets. Every chapter, you're a little more comfortable with the character and with the writing in general, which is a great thing to see. *high fives*
Just a few random things:
- Though I love a good Polish joke (I'm Polish, too), white people are pretty homogenous. It's hard to find someone who is a purebred European, due to the whole melting pot thing, and if they are 100% of something, they're immigrants. Thus, a good 'ignorant white people' joke might be a better bet, since (besides the Israel thing) your main character throws out 'explosive Muslim' jokes. Generalizations are a lot more fun to work with.
- What generation is Ashra? Most of the middle eastern kids I know are first or second, and depending on the country, this could have an impact on religion (namely, what headwear she's sporting). I know next to nothing about Lebanon, so I couldn't tell you if it's majority Shi'a or Sunni or how many bloody coups took place in the past century, but an accent or some other hint of how far removed she is from it all appeases nerdy readers. (e.g., me.)
- After talking to Ashra, he heads back into the room, which I completely missed. A clearer transition would be appreciated.
- When you're writing dialogue, try to avoid articulating laughing (haha heehee hohoho, and so forth). It looks kind of strange on paper, and it's easier just to say, "She laughed".
___
Thanks for the read, Pattycakes. I loooved this chapter beyond all reason, so if you have any questions, you know where to find me. ^_^