who the hell is going to know that song!???? after all it is in the top 100 worst songs of all time!!!!!!!!!!
xxx
lexy xxxx
(Girl)- lexy
He tries to be compassionate
An emotion he can't convey,
The paranoia and insecurity,
Consume us and get in the way.
(boy)- patrick
Never do anything right
Feel as if I make every mistake
A risk I didn't have to try
A chance I didn't have to take.
(girl)- lexy
What I don't know can't hurt me,
Sometimes a lie is better than the truth
What I don't see can't fuel the fire
Sometimes a girl doesn't want proof.
(boy)- patrick
When she asks for a reason
I shut it away and bottle it up
A barrier she can't break down
A disguise you can only reveal close up.
who the hell is going to know that song!???? after all it is in the top 100 worst songs of all time!!!!!!!!!!
xxx
lexy xxxx
I don't mean to be discouraging especially when your new to the site... but honestly, what was this? I was reminded of some overdone [cheesy] musical.
Also, rhyming. You don't need to rhyme in a song. In a musical you might want it to, but it's not needed. I think that you should try to focus on the words to the song rather than trying to get it to rhyme. After that I'd say go ahead.
And one last comment I have is about the first stanza. I look at that and I can just see big words. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the song, you should try to go one way or the other.
I like the idea though. And the flow is pretty good. I hope you'll edit a bit and maybe repost! Good luck!
.
This is...okay. It defintley needs work, but the idea has potential. I agree with with Maggie, the constant rhyming reminds me of a musical. Just make it flow with the music, it doesn't need to rhyme. If you wind up having trouble, save a few lines you like and start something new. Rewriting really does help, and it usually gets better every time.
I don't mean to be discouraging especially when your new to the site... but honestly, what was this? I was reminded of some overdone [cheesy] musical.
Also, rhyming. You don't need to rhyme in a song. In a musical you might want it to, but it's not needed. I think that you should try to focus on the words to the song rather than trying to get it to rhyme. After that I'd say go ahead.
And one last comment I have is about the first stanza. I look at that and I can just see big words. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the song, you should try to go one way or the other.
I like the idea though. And the flow is pretty good. I hope you'll edit a bit and maybe repost! Good luck!
Hmm...
lexy: YOU'RE NAME IS IN THE POEM! 
That's cool. I wouldn't really call this iambic pentameter though. I forgot the definition from the Romeo and Juilet parody, but... yeah I posted it elsewhere so I'll find it and put it here.
Well, I can relate to the first paragraph and I have the feeling my boyfriend can relate to the second... (Vernon if you read this I don't mean that in a bad way)
It didn't potrawy as much as it could have but it was pretty good. If I can relate, it's not that terrible Relationships do tend to have these emotions... I should know... I'm in one.'
Also, it should be My Girl's mad at me
Girl is... Yeah... Yeah...
I like the iambic pentameter.
Flows well and is a simple poetic rhyming scheme
Good work.
120,614 Literary Works • 651,077 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 171
Donate