Published November 29, 2006
Your deep hazel green eyes are watching every move I make.
And that feeling of love, it's increased.
I'll never feel alone again when your by my side.
You're the only one, and in you I confide my soul.
And we have gone through amazing times.
And you are always on my mind.
You've been there right from the start for me.
And your loves always been true
I give my heart to you.
I give my heart, because nothing can compare in this world to you.
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I agree with niteowl. Some personal touch would be nice, otherwise this is just same-old blah. Cut out the cliches - try rewriting it without using the words love, soul, mind, heart, eyes, side, always, true, you, or me. Give the reader something new, something with interesting words, something with strange images, something that tells us who you are, who you're writing about, and the emotions you're trying to convey. Fix the spelling errors while you're at it. Remember to revise, to not be satisfied with the first draft, to persevere and keep working on it, to not be afraid to make changes, cross off words, take out lines, or even to throw away the whole thing and start again altogether. Keep working on it, don't just throw it out to the world and forget about it.
I agree that there is no flow. Also the poem's so general that I don't feel any real emotion. Almost anyone could have spit that out. They have computer programs that write poetry now (or so I've heard). Make something that's truly unique, something that a computer couldn't come up with. Keep writing!
This was pretty good. There's some good imagery, but like meta-messiah said, there wasn't much flow. Also...:
I'll never feel alone again when your by my side.
It should be you're, not your.
I felt that you did a good job of communicating the sentiment of this poem, but overall I felt the poem lacked a sense of rhythm or flow, the entire first stanza reads like prose with the first line being far too long, the phrase "watching every move I make." seems really cumbersome to me and doesn't really fit, also the final line in that stanza, although very emotive, needs trimming, perhaps remove "soul". I felt that for such a romantic poem use of such mundane language as "it's increased" somewhat spoils the mood, I hate to condone melodrama but it is does have its uses. I think the second stanza is a bit better but I would lose the "and" at the beginning of the first line but again this stanza felt a bit stilted as if the words didn't quite mesh. Sorry if my critique seems a bit harsh.
Meta
This is ok but I think you should take out hazel from the first line, I think it would flow better.
Your deep [s]hazel[/s] green eyes are watching every move I make
but other than that I thinks it's ok.
Also I think that you should split the first line into two
Your deep hazel green eyes
are watching every move I make.
MOVED