Author's Note: Hi! So, this is my first edit. Please help me improve it! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first time, and thanks in advance to everyone reading this version.
Six teenagers ran into a pitch black yard, on a revenge mission. The target’s house was lit only by one single light in an upstairs window, but that wouldn’t be for long. They all hid behind a patch of bushes at the side of the yard, and everyone turned to look at a slim, dark haired girl. Though she looked normal enough, except for the bright orange streaks in her hair and silver nose-ring, there was a peculiar air of authority to her.
“Should we go?” a giant boy, dressed in all black (as they all were) asked in a deep and somehow threatening voice.
The leader simply nodded, and the giant ran out of hiding with a small pixie-like girl right behind him. As the four left watched, they both began flashing their flashlights on and off, on and off, as well as screaming like they were being followed by hostile ghosts.
“Now, everyone else. You know what to do.” And with that, they ran to the back of the house and pulled themselves one by one through a basement window.
* * *
Inside the house sat a fifteen year old boy. He was in his room, reading a book while sipping a cup of hot chocolate. That was normal for him, even though it was a Friday night.
Most of the people he knew were probably out with friends or something, but here he was. Sitting alone in his room, not expecting anything out of the ordinary.
But that’s just what he got, because at that moment he heard a shrill shrieking coming from the front yard.
Of course, he immediately got up to investigate. Picking up his glasses and putting them on, he ran down the stairs and to the window.
Outside, there were two people running around with flashlights and screaming. Both of them were covered in all black clothing, and there seemed to be no apparent pattern to the way that they ran.
But, he didn’t get to notice much more because suddenly he heard an ear splitting crash come from the basement.
* * *
“Idiot!” the dark haired leader whispered angrily as she dropped into the room after her best friend. “He’ll have heard that, don’t you think? Now what do you think he’s gonna do? Call the police I’m sure.”
“I’m sorry Bone! I didn’t see it. Anyone could have fallen on that lamp.”
“Almond, just get up. We don’t have time for this.” Bone pulled her best friend, a spiky blonde haired girl up and then led the way upstairs.
When they got to the top, Bone turned to look at the others. “OK. Here’s what we’re gonna do. First will be Ash.” She said, pointing to a tall boy with a mohawk that looked like a skunk’s tail. “I will follow you, then Almond, and last will be Blade.” Blade was a bulky girl with black hair and piercing charcoal eyes.
Right away they were off running towards a faint light coming from the kitchen. They stopped at the entrance to the room, and one by one filed in, unnoticed by the boy inside.
“Hello? Hi, there’s someone in my house---“ They heard Jacob begin, but right away, Ash snatched the phone away from him and pressed the end button. Jacob whirled around, shock plainly shown on his face.
“Oh, I’m sorry. We just needed to talk to you.” Ash said conversationally. “Why don’t you take a seat?” he smiled and pointed to a kitchen chair.
“And what if I don’t?” Jacob squeaked, probably trying to sound threatening.
“We’ll get you in there willingly or not. Your choice.” Ash was not smiling now, and Jacob could see that he meant it. Even before Bone pulled out a long coil of rope and a blindfold. So, being scared into submission, Jacob sat down quickly in a chair, and they tied him up.
“So Jacob. You were on the phone with the police, I’ll bet. Weren’t you?” Almond asked, absently picking at her fingernails. Jacob nodded and she glared at him. “You think you’re pretty smart don’t you? Well, do you think that the police are gonna come? They don’t have your address.”
“They don’t need my address.” Jacob spat back. “They can track calls! But you wouldn’t know that, because you’re too stupid.”
“That’s enough!” Bone shrieked. “Almond, back off.”
“No! We’re doing this my way! You back off!” And with that, Almond pulled her hand back and punched Jacob in the nose. Blood gushed, and Ash pulled Almond back away from the boy.
“What on earth! You are such an idiot!” he shouted. “We weren’t gonna hurt him!”
“Then what in the world did we come here for?”
But at that moment there was a frantic pounding on the door, followed by shouts. “Get out! The police are here!” A booming voice yelled, and everyone inside started panicking, except for Jacob who was sitting there smiling.
“Now! Everyone OUT!” Bone shrieked and she opened the door. “RUN!”
They ran. Everyone was out within seconds, and running for all they were worth. Bone ran out last and slammed the door shut behind her. As she ran, she was vaguely aware of the sirens and flashing lights following her, but she just kept going. Faster! Was all she thought. Faster, faster FASTER! She ducked into a deserted alleyway, and looked behind her. Nothing was there.
Yes! She thought to herself as she slowed down to a walk. But just then, someone grabbed her from behind and threw her against a fence. Bone struggled against the person’s strong grip, kicking out with both feet, but he pulled her hands behind her back and easily put her them in handcuffs.
“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.” The man said in a deep, gravelly voice as he pulled her toward the mouth of the alley.
* * *
The police officer threw her into the backseat of the waiting car. As she righted herself though, she noticed that there was a boy beside her, smiling like a crazy person.
“So, I see you’re the culprit. You don’t look like that much of a threat though.”
“Who on earth are you?” Bone spat at the boy. “I didn’t get thrown in here to get insulted by some stuck up twelve year old.”
“Karson! I told you not to sit back there! Get you butt back up here. NOW!” the officer yelled from the front seat, causing Bone to lean back and smile.
“Better do what daddy says, little boy.” She said, mocking him. He glared at her and started to open his mouth, but his dad opened his door then and forcefully dragged him into the front seat.
They arrived at the police station in less than five minutes, and the officer who had arrested her led her roughly inside. He sat her down on a bench just inside the doors, and the boy named Karson sat down beside her.
“Just for the record, I’m fifteen. Not twelve.” He said, staring at the ceiling.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Okay, I think everyone covered all the grammar and to be perfectly honest grammar isn't my strong point.
So, onto my review.
That's all I really have to say for now. Keep it up and you should continue this.
I read the non-edited version and this one was much improved. So, that's good. I think your description is really good and I can imagine the characters in my mind. I would just want maybe one hint to why Bone is breaking into Jacobs house. It was kind of hard to not know, now I'm not saying you should just straight out admit what's going on but maybe a subtle hint, nothing too drastic.
Maybe you could PM me if you add more? I would review it for sure.
Hi, review as requested. I have had a quick glance over it, so here goes...
Okay, opening sentence:
>>This is an alright opening sentence, but it needs work. For example, on a scale of 1-10, I would put this as a 6, maybe 5.5
>>What you have done here is tell us what is happening. You've told us where they are, who they are.
This isn't good
>>This sentence has none of that
>>Try to put yourself in the characters shoes. Third person is much harder for this, but it has advantages too. Later in the chapter, you can describe the whole scene better, but for the first sentence, it's hard.
Something like this would be better:>>Start off focusing on one person specifically. Tell us how they wipe their hands on their jeans,
>>Make it catchy, short and descriptive. How are they feeling?
>>Work hard, but know it'll never be perfect.
>>Describe the scene more. This one you give us too many facts, but not enough writing. Keep the telling subtle, and show us often.
Bone was falling through the bushes, pushed further and harder by the five behind him. He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans and looked at his target; [i]Waiting, watching.[/i]Okay, bad example, but keep working on it!
Why not? You're telling us this! Why not show us?
The dim orange glow illuminated the back yard of the target. [i]That will be soon fixed[/i], thought Bone, running through the plan in his head.Why is the dark haired girl there? Should you be telling us more?
The enemy stood, looking into the bushes, and the night got a whole lot more interesting.Don't use quotes like this. It ruins the scene.
Bone could sense the tall boy next to him, wearing the uniform black, tittering with impatience and nervousness. "Should we go?" Came a whisper barely more than a slight breeze.Okay, I'll stop re-writing your story, but you get the point.
And I'll also stop the line-line review, It's really descriptions I'm looking for.
This would be best re-worded as:
As the remainders watched.
This sounds too casual. You've set the scene in a serious manner, and now you chuck in words like 'something'.
Nice line^^. I just thought I would point it out.
Lice language. I hate people who make their MCs speak from the 1500's
I find it highly unlikely that the boy won't notice people creeping, shadows, noises. Too unbelievable here.
Again, showing and not telling. It was fine up untill this point though.
Thoughts in italics, usually.
Try being Bone here. Perhaps, 'she grimaced as her she tasted the metalic tase, and the fence imprinted its' pattern in her cheek.'
It was good! I liked the plot and thought that it was a teen spy mission thingy. Only problem is that I don't know who the keds are, and what they were doing... bBuit that will no doubt be revealed in the next chapter. I like your re-work, so I think that you should move onto the next chapter now, and PM me when it's up. Thanks in advance! Keep going with this, really. I see potential!
Hello, writingcat!
= "dark-haired"
That should be "although" not "though". And also, I find this somewhat strange. There are a lot of normal people out there who demand authority, so you might want to label her shy or something, so more of a contrast. Also show the authority, demands and such in a few lines of dialogue or whatever.
I don't think you "get to notice" things; you might "get to see" them, though.
= "ear-splitting"
Do you really need to keep telling us her hair colour?
I don't think you need to keep telling us that it's her "best friend", since we heard it before and it's not so much in-your-face.
Lower-case "she", and the full stop becomes a comma.
Firstly, the first full stop must become a comma, but then, put an upper-case "he" because you don't smile words. You might say them while smiling, on the other hand.
This is just so robotic. We need the emotions described to us, so get at it! You might want to take time to discuss the pain in Jacob's nose or the wail he gave from it. I mean, how would you feel from it?
That was too quick for the police to come. Realistically, you need to give them ten minutes, so, if you don't want there to be an interrogation of any kind which I assume you were trying to avoid, you might want to have a bicker between all the characters, which could be fun. Or then again, why police? At first, perhaps just a neighbour comes round or whatever.
Yuck. Nitch the capitalisation; it stinks amateur.
What I don't understand, is that if there's an open door right there, why did they go through the basement? And why does the door lead out onto a street? We need some more descriptions here; explain the cold chill or the panting or fear. Give us something to think about. These are all things that help contribute to tension, and character development will let us care a lot more.
Need I say it?
Okies, nitpicks over. Well, I didn't read the original so I'll just comment on this. I liked it. Nice bit of humour, but we do need more descriptions! I just can't understand a character, of whom all I know is that she has dark hair and looks "normal". I'm interested as to why they were there--excite me! Give me a hunt, something that makes me think "humm... what could that be?" but doesn't actually say why they went there, if you understand. Otherwise it's too much of a chain of events.
Suspense, all, works best when we know the characters, can relate, and we therefore care. I don't at the moment, not with any of them, so give me something tasty.
I scattered out some advice throughout there, so I hope I've been of some help!
Best
Blinky
This was much better and for that reason I have little to say. Mention them all wearing black in the first paragraph instead of putting it in parenthesis in the second.
they both began flashing their flashlights on and off, on and off,
delete one of the on and offs and put a repetadly after the first.
as well as screaming like they were being followed by hostile ghosts.
instead say then began screaming like they were being chased by ghosts.
The hostile isn't necessary.
As for description. I think you got it now. Maybe a little more detail on setting. Like when they go inside the house what does it look like.
I think you could have put a little more description and take your time writing about the scenes so it can be more dramatic. I hope that this is useful critique for you. I like the cool names though, they're really creative;D. Keep it up.