Hello there! 
I'm glad you finally got a little more detailed as to who the boy is. It really sets the story in motion. Very good! There were a few things this time:
The monitor beside me was going crazy; beeping wildly as my heartbeat accelerated and decelerated rapidly.
If the dream scared her, her heart would only be accelerating, wouldn't it? I dunno.
“Hello, shouldn’t you be asleep?”
The nurse is unusually calm for just hearing someone screaming and coming in to find their heart monitor going crazy.
‘I’ve been waiting for you.”?
This is all over the place. First, pick between the quotations or the apostrophe.
Second, you don't need the period.
A shiver ran down my spine and looked up to see that the nurse had left.
Was she really so caught up not to notice the nurse leaving? Either mention that all of Holly's attention is focused on the memory of the dream or say that she saw the nurse leaving earlier, like right after she asked Holly if she was okay.
I lay back down on the pillow and closed my eyes, but quickly gave up on trying to go back to sleep because when my eyes closed, images of the boy filled my head again.
Same problem as in part one. This sentence is really long, but you don't have to completely separate it. Just split it with a semi colon or a hyphen. Try something like:
'I laid back down on the pillow and closed my eyes, but I quickly gave up on trying to go back to sleep; once my eyes closed, images of the boy filled my head again.'
Courtney’s face immediately turned into one of pure shock. “What boy?” She demanded. “Whatever you do, don’t talk to him.”
I gaped at my ghostly friend. Why shouldn’t I talk to him? I mean, he was incredibly creepy but what could he do to me? “Why, Courtney? I thought you didn’t know who I was talking about.”
This doesn't make any sense at all. Courtney asks who the boy is, then all of a sudden she knows and tells Holly not to talk to him. Holly even notices this. So either say that Courtney realizes - one way or another - who Holly is talking about or have Holly describe the boy to her and then Courtney realizes who she's talking about.
I let out a shrill shriek and the boy’s face twisted into murderous rage as he dematerialized.
Materialize is very repetitive throughout the story. It's a good describing word, but you use it a lot. Try to find a synonym.
Nurses filled the room and my mom came running.
I thought her mom was sleeping in the same room...? Usually, when you say that someone 'came running', it means they're coming from a distance, or in this case, another room. So just say something like:
'Nurses filled the room. My mom awoke with a start and ran to my bedside.'
My mom was comforting me and I saw one of the nurses get a needle. She pricked it into my arm, and my screams cut off as I sunk into a deep, dreamless sleep.
There is certainly a lot of sedation going on in this hospital. It seems to be their answer to every problem. I dunno...it just seems to happen a lot.
They let me out of the hospital about three days later and right away when we got home, my mom announced that we were moving. She had told me about Courtney on the way home, and her take was that I was not going to be able to live here without Courtney. I guess she thought that moving was the answer.
During the last few nights I was at the hospital, the ghost visited once each night again. Every time, I screamed until he went away because my mom and the nurses were coming in.
I saw Courtney less and less during the last few days I was in the hospital as well. I still wondered why she was a ghost, but I wasn’t complaining because if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to talk to her at all anymore.
This entire thing seems to be out of order. You talk about the hospital, then moving, then back to the hospital again. Keep all your ideas together. Try something like this:
'They let me out of the hospital about three days later. During the last few nights there, the ghost visited once each night. Every time, I screamed until he went away because my mom and the nurses were coming in.
I saw Courtney less and less during the last few days as well. I still wondered why she was a ghost, but I wasn’t complaining because if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to talk to her at all anymore.
Right away when we got home, my mom announced that we were moving. She had told me about Courtney on the way home, and her take was that I was not going to be able to live here without Courtney. I guess she thought that moving was the answer.'
We arrived in Vancouver at around eight o’clock in the evening and I took a look at the place that I would call my home from now on.
The fact that you just now told the reader where she was moving to isn't very good. Mention it somewhere earlier, like when her mom first tells her that they're moving.
Most of the house was white, but the trimmings were pale blue. The door was also the same pale blue and there was a white picket fence surrounding the property.
It's a good idea to tell about all the blue parts of the house in one sentence. Try:
'Most of the house was white, but the trimmings and the door were pale blue. A white picket fence surrounded the property.'
Before lunch, I had science, social, and math.
I think you meant Social Studies
“My name’s Nicole, but most people call me Nikki.”
“Oh, hi Nicole. My name’s Holly.”
I can't quite figure out why she bothered telling her that people call her Nikki if Holly is just going to keep calling her Nicole, you know? But it's your story
Other than that, I liked it. I can't wait to read more
Great job!
~Rayne
Points: 1753
Reviews: 30
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