Author's Note: Hi! This is a story that I submitted for personal writing in language arts class last term. I really don't think that the title is that good, so if you have any suggestions, please suggest away! Thank you so much for reading this! I hope you enjoy it, and please be as harsh as you like! Thanks again!
“Courtney, this is going to be awesome! I still can’t believe that you actually got tickets!” We jumped in and set off for the concert. Courtney and I were going to spend tonight by ourselves, but a few days ago, Courtney won tickets from a radio station.
“Holly, for the millionth time, that contest question was way too easy! I mean, name their first album? Anyone could have gotten that answer. It was basically just luck that I was the first caller.”
I laughed. This was a change, I thought to myself. Usually Courtney was boasting about good things she does. For instance, last year she put together the most amazing birthday party ever for me, and when she answered the door she would say something like this: ‘Welcome the Holly’s birthday party, which I planned by the way. Come on in!’
“What radio station was the contest on anyways? Maybe I know it.” I continued, looking at her.
Courtney sighed, shaking her head, making her brown hair fall into her face. She moved it away and she looked at me before answering. “It’s a new one. I was just flipping channels when I heard them announce the contest.”
I began to speak, but all that came out was a shriek of surprise and shock. A bright orange truck was spinning at full speed towards us, the driver trying with futile effort to gain control.
Courtney screamed and tried to swerve away, but it was too late. The truck’s tires screeched against the pavement, and it smashed into Courtney’s side with a sickening crunch, cutting off her screams. Immediately, the airbags went off, bashing my head against the window.
“Courtney!” I shouted, and sank into unconsciousness.
***
I slowly forced my eyes open when I woke up, to see that I was in an unfamiliar room. A loud beeping noise was coming from beside me and I looked around. The room was pure white, and way too bland to be a bedroom. I was strapped to an IV, and the beeping was coming from a monitor beside me.
As I looked the other way, I saw my mother’s sleeping figure draped over the armchair, a newspaper on her lap and tearstains on the front of her shirt. I struggled to see the front page headline, and was just able to make it out.
FATAL CAR CRASH ON HIGHWAY 2. TWO DEAD, ONE IN HOSPITAL.
At around seven last night, an orange 1990 chevy truck hit the driver’s side of a blue sedan. Both drivers are dead, but a lone passenger survived. The seventeen year old local resident suffered minor injuries, and is currently in the hospital.
I turned my head away, not able to read another word. My best friend was gone and I was never going to see her again. Tears leaked out of my eyes, sliding noiselessly down my face as I cried myself to sleep.
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I was woken again by the sound of my name being called by a familiar person. “Holly? Holly, wake up. Holly!” I sat up with a jolt, opening my eyes and looking around. I was still in the hospital room, but nobody else was there.
“Hello?” I looked to see if there were any people hiding behind the drawn curtains, but saw nobody.
At that moment I heard the voice again, coming from behind me. “Holly, over here!” I quickly turned my head towards the sound, but again, nobody was there. I heard a faint giggling coming from the curtains, and looked back there again. In front of my eyes, something was materializing out of thin air. I gasped as I took in the features of my visitor. The girl was my age, with wavy medium length brown hair. Her deep emerald eyes sparkled with humour as she giggled.
“Courtney?” I choked out, looking at the figure closer. She looked like Courtney, that was for sure, but her once olive complexion was now a ghostly white.
“The one and only! What’s wrong, Holly? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost! Oh wait. I am a ghost, aren’t I?”
My face paled even more as I thought about what was going on. I knew that there were only two logical explanations, either I was dreaming or somebody was playing a really mean trick on me. I quickly ruled out the second, because who would do such a thing? “I must be dreaming. That’s it, I’m dreaming and I’ll wake up soon and then you’ll be gone because ghosts don’t exist and you died so you can’t be here.”
“Holly, I’m really here and this is not a dream.” Courtney sighed and came closer as I cringed away from her. “Holly, don’t be a baby! Do you want me to prove to you that you’re not dreaming or not?”
“Fine!” I held as still as I could as Courtney came closer and closer. I closed my eyes when she was about a foot away, and then felt her pinch me. Hard. “Owwwww! What was that for?”
Courtney opened her mouth to answer, but suddenly she focused her eyes on the door. “I gotta go. Bye Holly!” I was going to call after her but didn’t get the chance because at that moment the door flew open and my mom ran in followed by a few nurses.
“Holly!” she yelled as she saw me sitting up. Right away, I was being squeezed like crazy. I saw out of the corner of my eye the nurses go over to the machinery beside my bed to check the readings. “Oh, Holly we were so scared! You were sleeping for two days!”
Two days? I felt my mouth drop a little. I couldn’t believe that I had been out for so long. I looked up at my mom and saw her expression change from a gleeful smile to a frown. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
She looked at me and faked a smile. “Nothing, honey.”
I wonder how I should tell her about Courtney. It’ll break her heart. I gasped. “Did you say something?”
My mother looked confusedly down at me. “No.” I shook my head. I was sure I had heard her say something. Her vital signs are good. She should be able to go home tomorrow. I whipped my head over to look at a nurse by the IV machine. She was facing the other way, and motioning for another nurse to come over.
“Hey, her readings are good.” I heard the nurse say as the other nurse came. “We should get a doctor in to see her and hopefully she will be able to go home tomorrow.” My mouth dropped open. Had I just heard their thoughts?
Is she okay? She doesn’t seem to have a fever. Maybe she’s just shocked to be in the hospital. It must be frightening for a seventeen year old to wake up alone in a hospital room.
“Mom, did you say something again?”
“No. What do you think I said?”
“I’m sure you said something about me probably being shocked to be in the hospital.” I saw my mother’s mouth pop open. Did she just hear my thoughts? “There you go again! Am I hearing your thoughts?”
Oh my, she’s going crazy! I glared at the nurse who thought that as she came to stand by my bed. “I am not crazy!”
The nurse backed up a step and looked at me warily. “I never said you were.” Suddenly, I saw a flash of light behind my mom and then in its place stood a twenty year old boy. His short brown bangs hung loosely over his face and his eyes looked strangely sunken in. The boy’s clothes were tattered and they waved like there was a breeze blowing in the room. My eyes widened as he slowly raised his arm and smiled.
My mom’s worried face came into my vision at that moment and I felt a prick in my arm. My eyes slowly closed and the last thing I saw was the boy disappearing through the roof.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Prologue
I am Vatten Vatra.I am a person that was turned into a damn blood sucking vampire.I am not the only one though.There is another,but he is older.His name is Terra Klima.This story is not one of those happy sunshine we all love each other books.This story is a book about me and how I get though a life that has to survive though blood.If you don't like those kind of books that tells how I went though hell and back, then I guess go pick up a book that has roses and sunshine.
To describe me I'm a well built fourteen year old African American with a full head of pure gray hair, brown eyes, and black clothes all the time. To describe Terra he is a well built cocasion with white hair, green eyes, and white clothes all the time.Our vampire teeth are not visible until we want them to be.
Terra and I are planning somthing.
Somthing Big!
We are planning a Breakout.
Wow. I love storys like this and you're very good at it. There were afew small things, but they were all mentiond by the above comments so I won't bore you with them again. I got a small bit of an adrenaline rush as she started to read the minds of others, before she realized what she was doing. Trust me that is a good sign.
I really like Courney's attitude when she comes back as a ghost. It brings a lighter edge to the story, and shows us a lot about the character. It is also very unique because most authors like to keep their ghosts as dark characters, I like it.
This was really interesting! I enjoyed it! It had a hint of suspense to it, kinda that fear aspect. All in all it was pretty good. Mostly, I just noticed the same problem being repeated a couple times.
You don't need the bolded part. It would sound better if you took it out completely or made it its own sentence, like:
'Welcome to Holly's birthday party! I planned it. Come on in!'
Having the '2' and 'two' next to each other makes it a little confusing. Try changing the highway number.
This would sound better as two different sentences. Maybe try:
'I quickly ruled out the second. Who would do such a thing?'
Same thing as above. This is kind of a run-on sentence. Make it two, maybe even three different sentences:
'I was going to call after her, but I didn't get the chance. At that moment, the door flew open. My mom ran in, closely followed by a few nurses.'
Start a new paragraph after 'heart'.
New paragraph after "No" and after 'something'.
You don't need 'then'.
For the most part, I liked this! I think, like everyone else said, it could have used a little more description, mainly before the crash. Maybe tell more about what Courtney and Holly are like, the kind of friendship they have, etc. I'm really anxious to find out who the boy is, too. I can't wait to read more
~Rayne
Hey, Chocolate Writing Cat!
Here as requested!
When starting off a story, you shouldn't start off with a bit of an anonymous dialogue. I realize that it is your MC speaking, but you never blatantly explain that.
Your story starts out with an unknown character speaking. The reader is already confused as to which friend is which and then...
... You don't set the scene, either.
What did they jump into? You need to explain.
So your story starts off with two anonymous characters that jump into an unknown "thing."
This is being insanely nit-picky, but I think they should began the conversation once they are inside the car.
Right now, I am imagining a ridiculous scene where Courtney and your MC stand outside of the car and have a conversation, and then get in.
^^ Ha, sorry. What I just told you was rather vague and probably made absolutely no sense.
Considering Holly/Courtney (not really sure which is which) is going to die in about, um, ten sentences, this little bit should be taken out. Not only is it too much telling, it gives little to the story. Unless you are going to continue an idea, don't mention it.
As far as hit-by-a-truck scenes go (there are actually a lot out there!), this is a little tame. I feel like I've seen/read this scene a million times before.
Overall
This is an interesting plot. There weren't many errors grammatically, but I would like to see some backstory on the characters. What band are they seeing? What about the radio contest? Who are they? Will there be other kids they are meeting at the concert? Get me into your character's life.
This plot has been done a lot, and I'm interested to see how you make it your own.
--Sakura
Hey, Chocolate Writing Cat!
Here as requested!
When starting off a story, you shouldn't start off with a bit of a anonymous dialogue. I realize that it is your MC speaking, but you never blatantly explain that.
Your story starts out with an unknown character speaking. The reader is already confused as to which friend is which and then...
... You don't set the scene, either.
What did they jump into? You need to exlpain.
So your story starts off with two anonymous characters that jump into an unknown "thing."
This is being insanely nit-picky, but I think they should began the conversation once they are inside the car.
Right now, I am imagining a rediculoud
It's an interesting start of a story, I like the situation she ends up in, being totally psychic. At first I thought she was just only going to be able to see ghosts and such ("Sometimes when one has a traumatic experience..." Sorry, I was thinking of a movie called Thirteen today and that quote stuck in my mind.
), but I wasn't expecting her to be able to hear other people's thoughts. Telepathy is a new one (and I'm going to stop before I start completely rambling on about the Dead Zone, you can tell what kind of shows I enjoy 
), but it's interesting.
There were a few things that I think could use a bit of work, mostly for clarification and to help the reader fully get into the story, but other than that, it was a good start. I would like a bit more detail to the beginning, the car accident seems to be just a bit too rushed. We get only a hundred words or so before we end up in this jumble of confusion and we really don't get to see who the MC was before she changed. Now, I'm not saying that you have to have thousands of words before you get into the action, cause it is a good start to the novel, but I think you should slow down in the first part and allow your characters to shine through.
Maybe show them getting ready to go to the concert, or maybe they have dinner before they go, or maybe just add in a few more details of what's going on in what you have written. They jump into some sort of vehicle, that could use a tiny bit more clarification; they were planning on spending the night 'by ourselves', doing what? Does that mean that they were planning on spending the night together watching a movie, or was Holly planning on taking a bath and reading a book by herself? That's a bit of a vague statement. And more details can be added that way, allow us to really see who Holly used to be before she was suddenly seeing and hearing things that no one else could.
Except the readers, sad, I was really hoping on winning that contest.
Also, your reluctance to name the station, or have the character name the station, makes me think that this radio station had an ulterior motive, or that they're going to be important to the story. Just saying; cause it the only thing they talked about before we suddenly crashed with them.
Really a nitpick here, but is this a pickup truck, or a delivery truck? Cause, I really don't see a delivery truck 'spinning at full speed toward' someone. I also agree with the previous reviewer that suggested that you include more details for the crash. The third person limited in past tense allows you to add in all the details you want at any particular time, so you can have great details before her head hits the glass or the dashboard and she's knocked unconscious.
I also don't really think that this part feels right. I mean, it sort of seems like she shouts out her friends name and then falls unconscious from that. Maybe try adding in a 'before I sank into unconsciousness?' Although, I also like 'before the world faded to black,' but that's just the melodrama within me.
You don't need that part with how the sentence is structured. Maybe you could put it: 'I had to force my eyes open when I woke up and when I did, I saw that I was in an unfamiliar room.' Or, something like that.
The same thing with needing to add more details to the car crash applies here, I think you need to do just a bit more research for the hospital scenes. Now, most of what I know comes from fanfiction or stuff like that, but I think that your character seems just too fine for waking up after being unconscious for 2 days. Reading the headlines might be part of that, but I'm not sure. I mean, I'm in no way an expert on waking up after being in a car crash.
I'm kind of so-so on Courtney being too cheerful for just having died, I mean I could see all thoughts of not wanting to die disappearing when one is actually dead. Though, I would think that she might feel some sympathy for Holly. I mean, she's dead, but Holly has to live with it.
This part I'm not so sure of, cause if Courtney is dead, then why did she have to leave? I mean, I take it from Holly's reaction that seeing ghosts is not a normal occurrence in this world, so that means that only a few select people can see ghosts. Therefore, why on earth would Courtney have to disappear when the mom and nurse enter the room? Wouldn't her being there and not being seen even better proof that she is really a ghost, and really dead, than a physical pinch?
Also, does this telepathy have a range? If not, then why didn't she hear people's thoughts outside the room? Also, why isn't she thinking that she's crazy, herself? I mean, she's hearing voices that might match up to what her parents are thinking. I would question more than if people are just really good ventriloquists or not. And I just have to say that the boy is really random.
All in all, it's very interesting and I would like to read more. I like the different elements that you twisted together and I want to see how everything turns out. I just think you need to work a bit on your pacing, slow things down a little and allow the characters to shine through. Let the readers catch their balance before you shock them again,
tickets to what
***
As I looked the other way, I saw my mother’s sleeping figure draped over the armchair, a newspaper on her lap and tearstains on the front of her shirt. I struggled to see the front page headline, and was just able to make it out.
FATAL CAR CRASH ON HIGHWAY 2. TWO DEAD, ONE IN HOSPITAL.
At around seven last night, an orange 1990 chevy truck hit the driver’s side of a blue sedan. Both drivers are dead, but a lone passenger survived. The seventeen year old local resident suffered minor injuries, and is currently in the hospital.
I turned my head away, not able to read another word. My best friend was gone and I was never going to see her again.
'
For the most part this is a good idea, but I think you can add better detail in the car crash. Right now it is to quick and you don't get the rush you should get from it.
Hello!
Wow. This was interesting. The ghost and reading minds was cool. A few things though. Why is Courtney still so vibrant? She's dead and she knows she's dead but she doesn't scream or freak out. It's kinda weird because you would expect them to have a strong reaction about their situation. Okay onto the nitpicks though there was hardly any.
Jumped in what? You didn't mention a car or anything.
Usually Courtney was boasting about the good things she does.
Welcome to Holly's birthday party,
Comma not period.
How would she go to the window? Wouldn't she go straight back?
You don't need the 2.
What did you think I said?
Yep, that was it! It was interesting. I liked it. Please PM me when you put up the next chapter.
-Storm_Bringer