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Young Writers Society



A Fairy's World

by PatriciaTina


Hey! This is the beginning of a new story I'm working on. Sorry it's a little short. Please tear it apart, and be as harsh as you like! (Nitpicks welcome!) Thankies in advance, and the first chapter should be up soon! (Though maybe not before the update, but I'll try!)

Prologue

June 1940

The tiny pixie gripped the bars of her prison and glared at the grinning man before her, hate and anger filling her eyes. How could she have let herself be captured by this human? This barbarian?

The fairy-folk had successfully hidden themselves from the human world for over two thousand years. But now it would all be destroyed. All their work, gone in the matter of seconds. The whole world would know, and it was all because the pixie had been careless enough to allow herself to be captured. Why was this happening?

“Don’t worry about anything, pixie.” the man laughed. A harsh and degrading laugh. He knew how tortured she was; and he spent every second she could making that tortured feeling worse. “You’re about to change the world.”

Not knowing what else to do, the fairy spat at her imprisoner and spun around so that she wouldn’t have to look at him anymore.

“You’ll soon regret that.” he hissed in her ear and before she could do anything, he was gone.

Oh, it’ll change the world alright. She thought to herself, slumping down to lean against the side of her cage. And then she heard the distinct sound of the curtains being pulled back. Gasps rang out throughout the room, and a single tear slipped noiselessly down her cheek as she shut her eyes tight, as if it would all go away if she couldn’t see anything.


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Wed Dec 21, 2022 8:41 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The tiny pixie gripped the bars of her prison and glared at the grinning man before her, hate and anger filling her eyes. How could she have let herself be captured by this human? This barbarian?

The fairy-folk had successfully hidden themselves from the human world for over two thousand years. But now it would all be destroyed. All their work, gone in the matter of seconds. The whole world would know, and it was all because the pixie had been careless enough to allow herself to be captured. Why was this happening?


Well...that's some pretty high stakes to get us started here. It looks our an entire magical world's fate is resting on how caring one single human is going to be and judging from the way that this pixie is currently struggling quite unhappily inside a cage I think it is quite obvious that we're in a situation where things are not about to go well.

“Don’t worry about anything, pixie.” the man laughed. A harsh and degrading laugh. He knew how tortured she was; and he spent every second she could making that tortured feeling worse. “You’re about to change the world.”

Not knowing what else to do, the fairy spat at her imprisoner and spun around so that she wouldn’t have to look at him anymore.


Welp yup there's our confirmation that this poor pixie has been stuck among the scum of humanity there. It seems to not even be just someone whose curious and wants to learn or even a power hungry one looking to leech off the power of the pixie's but rather someone planning some sort of truly horrendous spectacle which is certainly the worst option.

“You’ll soon regret that.” he hissed in her ear and before she could do anything, he was gone.

Oh, it’ll change the world alright. She thought to herself, slumping down to lean against the side of her cage. And then she heard the distinct sound of the curtains being pulled back. Gasps rang out throughout the room, and a single tear slipped noiselessly down her cheek as she shut her eyes tight, as if it would all go away if she couldn’t see anything.


Ahh well that's a powerful point here to end a prologue. Instantly we can despite putting on a brave front and being ready to fight the pixie truly is quite helpless at the moment and we of course just find ourselves absolutely having to read on and see what happens next in terms of what this human has planned.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Aug 16, 2009 3:19 pm
In_the_Moonlight wrote a review...



Hi thechocolatewritingcat (I love your name)

This piece, although quite short, was very interesting and well written. I don't want to repeat anything ScarlettRose said so I'm just going to make this short and sweet:

I loved this, so I'm giving you a star!

**Mo**




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Sun Aug 16, 2009 11:32 am
ScarletteRose wrote a review...



Hello thechocolatewritingcat,

So far I didn't really see any issues except a couple of run on sentences and sentence structure issues. I saw one verb agreement issue, but now I can't find it! (Grr, don't you just hate it when that happens?)

This sentence is a bit long. Let's make it snappier, so it packs more punch:

The tiny pixie gripped the bars of her prison and glared at the grinning man before her, hate and anger filling her eyes.


The tiny pixie gripped the bars of her prison as she glared at the grinning man before her. Hate and anger filled her eyes.

Maybe you could change this sentence:

...the fairy spat at her imprisoner...


...the fairy spat at her captor...

I'm not sure "imprisoner" is a word.

This sentence is a bit weird:

He knew how tortured she was; and he spent every second she could making that tortured feeling worse.


How about something like: He knew her tortured state and spent every possible second heightening her dread.

(That may be a crappy sentence.)


Gasps rang out throughout the room, and a single tear slipped noiselessly down her cheek as she shut her eyes tight, as if it would all go away if she couldn’t see anything.


First of all, you don't need noiselessly. It's a word that tells us nothing. Tears are generally noiseless. It's similar to saying that breaking your leg is painful. 'Noiselessly' breaks up the flow of your sentence and is completely worthless in that context.

Second of all, this is a run on sentence.

Third of all, having rang out, then throughout doesn't read well.

If you fixed it, it should look something like this:

Gasps rang out across the room and a single tear slipped down her cheek. She shut her eyes tight, hoping it would all go away if she couldn't see anything.



Overall, I liked the simplicity your prologue. I look forward to reading your first chapter.

Keep Writing,
Nicole

(P.S. I apologize in advance for any horrid spelling or grammar errors there may be in this review. It's 3 am in the morning. I come on YWS when I can't sleep :))





I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec