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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Flaming Embers By PatriciaB

by PatriciaB


  • Flaming Embers

Chapter 1

I’m knocked to the ground, black dots blurring my vision as my head hits the hard, cement floor. I struggle to get back up on my feet, when a sharp pain shoots up my spine. I see the attacker charge towards me, his hand holding a sharp dagger as he aims it towards my heart. At the last second, I duck down, dodging the dagger as it lodges itself in the brick wall behind me. A look of fury takes over his face, as I stand up.

I scan the warehouse for nearby exits and possible getaways and I notice bricks jutting out every few feet on the wall behind me. I turn around just a second too late as a sharp spasm shoots through my elbow. I wince in pain as I begin scaling the wall, as quick as a spider crawling up its web. I leap up to the first foothold, stretching my arms up as I reach for the next brick. I am about half way up, when the bricks around me are being pelted with bullets, as my opponent struggles to hit me twice. I spot a large, steady beam that stretches across this enormous warehouse. Suddenly I hear a clanking sound as he throws the weapon to the floor in frustration, and prepares himself to scale the wall after me. I swing myself up to the beam, like a monkey as it swings itself across a vine. I shimmy my way across until I am flat against the beam. In a desperate attempt to reach the next handhold, he flings himself to the right, missing completely, and falls back to the ground. He yelps in pain as I hear a cracking sound, and his left arm goes limp. He reaches for his gun, just a few feet away, as I shower the area around him with bullets. He grabs the gun in haste, but not before I shoot him in the center of his forehead, a look of shock in his eyes as he goes limp and falls to the ground, a pool of blood surrounding his head.I turn away in disgust, and examine the wound on my elbow. Torn flesh hangs around the wound, the bullet lodged deep in the joint, blood dripping down my arm.

A sudden noise in the silence of the warehouse distracts me from the pain as I reload my gun and search the warehouse for another threat. I brush my hair out of my eyes and take aim at a hooded figure lurking in the shadows. He cries out just as I am about to fire. He reveals himself, stepping underneath the swinging light, his hands held up, and weapon thrown to the ground. A look of relief floods my face, but disappears as quickly as it arrived. The hint of a smile is on his face, filling me with discomfort. I leap back into the shadows, shooting at the lights ahead of me as I race across the beam, masking me in a blanket of darkness and providing a clean getaway. I run across the beam, as silent as can be. 

I spot a sturdy metal frame not too far away from me, and I leap towards it, barely making the jump. My hands claw at the frame in panic as I start to slip off. I struggle to pull myself up, but the pain in my elbow is too much for me. I curse in frustration, as I fall towards the ground. I brace myself for the fall, but to my surprise I land softly. I open one eye, confused, as I hear a faint chuckle. I struggle against his grip, wincing in pain as I fall to the ground landing on my elbow. Strong, sturdy arms pull me up so I’m standing, his flashlight flicking on revealing his smooth, tanned face.

“Hey Amber.” He says cheerfully despite all that has happened tonight. I snarl in irritation as he laughs quietly to himself as if this is some funny joke,

“What are you doing here? I told you to leave me alone!” I yelled in anger, “I had it under control!’

“So you call severely injuring yourself under control?” Peter mocks, “Because as great as you think you are, you handled that horribly.” He explains casually while playfully tossing the flashlight between his hands as I roll my eyes.

“Yeah, rub it in why don’t you?” I say in annoyance as I struggle to find my way out of the warehouse.

We come to a dead-end, and I picture him smirking behind me,

“Don’t. Say. Anything.”

“I wasn’t going to,” he says holding his hands up in defence.

A smile creeps up on my face, and is soon mirrored in his.

“What happened to your arm?” he asks in concern, the smile quickly fades away and is replaced by a look of worry.

“Oh nothing, just a minor bullet wound.” I say. Although I try to shrug it off, I notice the wound feels as if its pulsating, like a small heart living inside my arm. The pain starts to worsen, and I can no longer pretend it doesn’t hurt. I crouch down beside a large wooden crate and rip a long piece of cloth off the hem of my shirt. I tie it carefully around the wound, my nimble fingers working fast to tie a knot against the flesh, in attempt to slow down the bleeding.

“How did you get that” Peter asks nodding towards the wound,

“What do you think Einstein?” I laugh at his expense even though he is completely serious.

“Ok, let’s just get you out of here,” he chuckles to himself, “This time I’ll lead.”

I pull the collar of my trench coat up, masking my face as we walk through the alley-way, the moonlight casting shadows across this silent town. The stars twinkle over the houses of sleeping families, drifted off to a world full of dreams, while I crouch behind a large garbage- tip, relief flooding through me. The mesmerizing lights of Los Angeles slowly start to turn off. I allow myself to close my eyes, even just for a second and listen to the soft caw of a black crow, and relax. I can hear the faint sound of waves gently lapping the shore, creating a calm feeling, softly lulling me to sleep. I feel as if the weight of today has been lifted off my shoulders, even just for a brief moment.

“What a lovely place to fall asleep…” he laughs, “Right beside a garbage tip.”

“Just shut up and enjoy the silence.” I murmur, as I fall asleep.

I drift in and out of a fitful and restless sleep, the nightmares of my past coming back to haunt me. The calmness and comfort I felt moments ago completely disappeared. 


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9 Reviews


Points: 262
Reviews: 9

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Wed Mar 04, 2015 1:21 am
rockycait wrote a review...



Amazing piece of work!
This was beautifully descriptive. Your fight scene had me on edge, rooting for a character I knew nothing about. That takes serious skill. I feel like this will be a very interesting story and I can't wait till you put the next chapter!
I am very curious to find out why the character was fighting with someone and who that someone was! Keep up the good work!




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Wed Mar 04, 2015 1:19 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey there, Patricia! Welcome to the wonderful world of YWS~

Ah, so this reminds me all too well of my own new days on here. So, this was an interesting piece, with some description thrown in here an there, a conversation in the end, with somewhat engaging dialogue. Overall, this was pretty average, but I assure you, it wasn't horrible.

Let's start off with that huge chuck on narration right in the middle. Paragraphs are usually supposed to happen to break up what's going so the reader can easier process everything happening. And since this is an action scene, there is a ton happening. Because of how it is now, the narration is so dense and it's really difficult to make it through. I recommend you split that up so it's a lot easier to read and understand in one go.

Now, here there is a lot going on, as I said earlier and it doesn't really help that all this narration is just telling us what happened. Everything is just being listed one after another and it's hard to read through. It just has this choppy feeling and I can't get pulled into the story. A lot of the sentences also start with a pronoun, specifically 'I'. Try to spice it up a little and try to have more dependent clauses and such, try to describe things happening more and give us a picture of what's happening in the beginning.

Finally, I'm sort of confused on what happened in the beginning because everything suddenly happened at once. She's alone and then suddenly, she's being attacked by someone else (I assume the narrator is a she, because there was a point when their hair got in the way and that doesn't normally happen with guys, but if I'm wrong, perhaps try to show that better). It all happens to quick a so soon that there isn't enough time to set the scene and really show us where she is and what's going on. Because of that, all this action is happening and I can't really tell where things are and what's happening where and what and huh? Try to add a tiny bit of exposition before hand, setting up where she is, what's around her and really throw that attack on us, so its not expected.

...dodging the dagger as it lodges itself in the brick wall behind me.


While I was reading through this, I noticed this and kind of got confused. First off, how does one get a dagger into brick? It's really hard to do that. To chip it, sure, but to actually get lodged in there is unlikely.

Another thing that kind of confused me was when she got shot. There wasn't any context to it, and since you were mentioning a dagger, I didn't think about him not pulling it out and assumed she got stabbed, which was a little confusing. Try to clear this up along with the scene and everything like that.

Final thing, the ending is a little strange. Why would they decide to settle down behind garbage cans? Wouldn't there be a better place to go and actually seek out medical help? And this Peter guy just goes along with it instead of urging her on? It just doesn't add up to me.

Alright, with that out of the way, this was still a pretty interesting read. Though the fight scene could've been better, you do a nice job of creating a mystery behind this and making me interested in reading on. What was she doing there? Who is this Peter? Why would he be criticizing her?

Don't be discouraged, and if I sounded harsh, just know I mean well and just want you to improve. Don't give up! Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~



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PatriciaB says...


Dear Wolfare1,

Thank you for that constructive criticism and feedback, I can and will now improve on this piece of writing using your advice!

PatriciaB




You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote