Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

"This is enough, I can't handle this anymore" she said as she looked at the floor. She is barely standing straight, her knees are weak. Her tears stream down her face as she tries to wipe the tears with her trembling finger tips. "Why am I this way" she thinks to herself. She has very mixed up emotions, she's confused. No one can hear her, no one can see what she's going through because she's just that shy girl who doesn't talk much. Is it because she has learned a lesson? Or it's because no one has ever talked to her? No one tried to explore this little girl? Maybe it's because people are the reason she is struggling? Or maybe because she has lost faith? We may never know, do you know why? Because each day, she loses that one glance of hope, of faith in the people around her. She doesn't think she can be saved. She can't trust anyone now, because she has seen what people are capable of. She can't let her secrets out. She can't tell. She fears what will people think of her. She will never tell, ever. She will just lay there, on her bed, resembling cutlery. Not doing anything. Just thinking, thinking about what will she do in her miserable life. How will she survive this crisis. "What will fix this? What will fix me?" she wonders. She can't take it anymore, she is shivering, shuddering. You can feel her stressing out. She still doesn't know what to do. She runs to the highest place, the highest place. She is crying, she closes her eyes, she doesn't want to think about her family. She is angry with herself. She hates everything and everyone. She takes a step, she crashes. She is no longer breathing.

Hey there PassionateTeen,

Hmm... I'm not sure whether I like this or not. It leaves much to be esired. Firstly, you write like you're talking to the reader instead of the reader being immeresed in the story. One of the reasons for this is because you say 'you'. For example: You can feel her stressing out.

When she asks herself the question, 'Why am I this way?" you forgot the question mark at the end.

Also, I don't really understand the message you're trying to bring across with this beginning. You're saying she is ignored. She doesn't understand why, but it would be nice to know a bit of her background, or maybe show us a day in her daily life that shows her being ignored and used. It would make the beginning more intriguing.

Apart from all that - it looks like an alright beginning, and you should continue it.

Deanie x

Hey! So...

Promising beginning. I like the use of present tense, but it isn't consistent throughout. In the first line change "she said" to "she says" to fix this. Otherwise, the tense is good and fits with the urgency of the writing.

Secondly, the part where you say she resembles cutlery sticks out a bit. I like a good metaphor as much as the next person - and the more unconventional the better. So while I'm not going to suggest taking it out, I think you should expand it instead. As it is, it's just a random likening to a random object. Give it an extra sentence however, something along the lines of "always hidden away in the dark, only taken out to be used unceremoniously, whatever" will make it stick out less.

Okay, third. There's something called 'free indirect speech', which you have used (sort of) here, possibly without realizing. It's a really good way to write. Basically what it means is that you merge a first person style with a third person style. Parts like this:

No one can hear her, no one can see what she's going through because she's just that shy girl who doesn't talk much. Is it because she has learned a lesson?

It's hard to explain, kind of. I'd suggest doing some research on it if you're interested. What I'm trying to say, though, is that there are some parts where I think you would do well to continue in this style, rather than using quotation marks to show her thoughts, like in this part:

"What will fix this? What will fix me?" she wonders.

I'm not going to tell you exactly what to change it to, but I think it will read better if you take away the quotes. This way you'll have more freedom to transition in and out of her mind mind, you know?

All in all, I guess, I'd like to see more so that I can really tell what is happening. This is the sort of beginning that is fine on its own, but really lives and dies with the follow-up. Although I guess all beginnings are like that. So yeah, fine for now, but keep writing. Always keep writing.