Published May 5, 2010
She wants to be happy, not cry all the time.
Desperate to smile.
Shes a butterfly with broken wings,
Like an empty playground with broken swings.
Worthless, Useless and Lost,
She searches for him to save her.
Because he can heal her wounds,
Stitch her broken heart,
And dry her teary eyes,
Now shes lying torn apart.
Her heart bleeds with pain,
And her mind sees no vain,
Shes apathetic,
Shes sad,
She drowns in the truth,
Lying alone,
Imagine if she was you?
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Hai there!
I really like the story in this poem. It really makes sense to me, and is something I can relate to. I liked how you didn't try to get sympathy from us for the girl in the poem, but it seemed as if you just wanted to tell us what's happened to her, and warn us what will happen if you fall along that same path!
I love the rhyme of your third and fourth lines. They are by far my favorite lines in the poem. I don't know why, but they just make sense together in a rhyme!
All I have to say you need to improve on is your original-ness. There are a lot of poems like this, and you need to find a way to separate yours from the group. You'll find it sooner or later!
Classy
I don't know JACK about lyrical poetry, but I'll give this a god. Reading through it, I thought the part that stood out to me the most was this;
I thought it was very emotional and souldn't help but reading it over and over. I don't know the length of most poetry peices but either this very short or adequate. Usually I review peices with a 'lil more length, but I don't think this needed it!
It is good on it's own,a dn some what emotional. I would love to hear it with a melody, eveyr time I try to picture one I get sort of a evanescence tune to it. I think it fits rather well to!
Keep on writing,
Kudos Apple.