The World Is My Playground

:'-) Thank you so much for writing such a great poem. It was exactly what I needed to hear tonight. It gave me new hope to keep on going. You are right, the world is a playground and maybe sometimes we make life harder then it should be. Thank you again for making me realize that.
Have a great day!

Hi there!

All right, my comments are in red below.

Passion wrote:The world is my playground

For me to learn new things I totally agree with these first two lines.

And explore myself

To understand the world

And hear the music You should put a period or semi-colon here. It ends one thought and starts another.

Oh put a comma here the world is my playground

I cannot help myself but to realize this

And if I were to say otherwise

Oh I'd be a liar that I admit I just think this line works better without the word 'oh'.

The world is there for me to try

Push myself

I should love and cry

To open my eyes to a world

That has bloomed and multiplied Again, you should put a period or semi-colon here.

Oh insert comma here the world is my playground

What else should I need?

That I may learn lifes lessons

And become a beautiful woman

And teach my children that the world

Has always

Will always

And should always be our playground put a period at the end of this!

Hi, Passion! Isha here to review. ^.^

First of all, this poem has a good idea, and potential to become something very much worth reading. Unfortunately, what it did lack wa imaginative imagery and, as was states before, it seemed a little void of any emotion whatsoever. The idea itself is good, bit the way you laid it out wasn't so great.

You see, to write an effective, provoking poem, you need to find unique, original ways to portray what you're trying to get across. Here, you need both emotion and a way to manipulate that emotion and turn it into stunning, grasping images that will easily draw in your reader and make them feel what you want them to feel. I'll start by listing a few emotions that you could have on this piece:

•Satisfaction
•Curiousity
•Longing
•Wonderment
•Hunger (to explore; to learn)
•any other emotion you can think to portray.

The next step would be to take that emotion, and twist and work it until you discover what it looks like, what it feel like, what it is in comparison to the physical world, etc, etc. Just use whatever comes to mind when you think of that emotion, so long as it came from you and not somebody else. (Imagery in a poem has to be unique and original as in it's yours; not something you stole from something else. If your used to reading a description in text, do not use it in your poetry.) add sprinkles if this to your poem. Now, another thing about this is that you can't overdo it. Big words are okay, buy overuse them and it makes it look like you just opened a thesaurus and picked out the larger, most complicated word you could and stuck it into your poem. Simplicity in poems is often better than complexity, unless you know how to do complexity just the right way. You don't want your poem getting melodramatic or excessively angsty.

So all in all, this poem seems more like a skeleton- something that you coils build the cruel piece on. What adds to this is that the poem didn't h e stanzas, and the lines were short and choppy. it's like a draft that you tape to your deskside as a reference of what you want your poem to be about. Expand on it a little more, because it definitely has potential.

Good job and keep writing,
~~Ish.

I love your poem. I thought it has great emotion and proves an excellent point.

However I have a few suggestions.

Passion wrote:Oh the world is my playground

What else should I need?

That I may learn lifes lessons

And become a beautiful woman I think you may need to rework the ending a bit it doesn't quite blend as well as the rest of the poem.

And teach my children that the world

Has always

Will always

And should always be our playground

Hello.

The bad: First off, the poem lacked emotion. How did she feel about the world? Why was it her playground? Second, it lacked imagery? What does the world look like in her eyes? You would do good to describe the playground to your readers. Third, you could've seperated the poem into verses, written in ABCB order.

For example:

ToKillAMockingjay

Roses are red. (A)
Violets are blue. (B)
You are an asshole. (C)
But I still love you. (B)"