Young Writers Society

Hey Passion! Nice to see you back.

Yep. Proofreading is your friend. Though I can totally understand if you make lots of mistakes... you should see some of the papers that my professors send back. They are very confused!

I like the image of the river and the waterfall and the prodigy! I also liked the image of him falling off! Now, instead of talking about the gifts that he has (which, yes, you kind of O.D. on, lol,) I would much prefer you to use that image of running water to symbolism his thoughts and his brilliance. I think that would be most excellent.

I actually like both of your posts, Jas, I didn't even notice that I used "one" and not "on" thanks for pointing that out. I should definitely proofread things more than once. I didn't notice it until now. Because it was blended in so well. Or to my eyes it was. And Navita, nice name by the way. Okay, I kinda did O.D. on "The Gift" part. I'll try to cut back on the repition. I have a hard time doing that. I love the sound of repeating. Though I hate it when someone says the exact same thing out loud. SO maybe I'll try reading things out loud a couple of times before I post it. Thanks for the updates.

Passion

In a way, I strongly dislike the idea that someone who is gifted at so many things is denied love - it annoys me. Possibly because I enjoy doing so many things, and trying to do them well...but what you're describing here is essentially the everyman. Superman. And he's not allowed to be loved. That seems rather shallow to me - what if he was able to love even more BECAUSE of his qualities - what if everything he did was like love?

Also - the lines beginning with 'the gift of' really annoyed me, just from the way they looked on the page. Have another look at them - it's not so much the repetition as the aesthetics that get to me. But yeah, avoid repetition wherever possible, too.

Hi,

This was an interesting piece and progressed nicely. I especially like the first line.

I'd just make a few minor changes;
I'd add punctuation, but that's a personal taste thing. I'd read this aloud and put commas where you pause briefly for breath, and full stops when you reach the end of one train of thought.

I like; "Does he want to fall
Is there something keeping him there"
and would add question marks after both questions.

I think;
"The gift of music
...
The gift of friendship"
is too long. Maybe try "The gift of music, writing, song,
sports, knowledge, friendship,"
and move "everything, but not love" to the end of the list. Though I'm not sure you need the list. Maybe try specific images that show the possession of the gifts rather than stating them directly.

I'd change "Cold and lonely on the inside" because it's a bit cliche and "one the" to "on the".

I think the ending works nicely.

Hope this helps,

Jas