The Battalion
One dark morning many years ago,
A Battalion of soldiers stood in their rows.
Off to war were they sent,
To a strange exotic land they went.
Random and brutal were their fights,
Raging on for countless nights,
The end of them was not in sight;
Yet the Battalion marched on.
The cold winds of winter blew to and fro,
Whipping the Battalion with hardened snow.
From fatigue they suffered, and low morale;
Yet the Battalion marched on.
Half the Battalion was lost,
By the land's ghastly frost.
Retreated did they to the south,
Fearing the impending bout.
Yet the Battalion marched on.
Clean were their muskets,
And clean were their blades,
The ice now gone from their horses manes.
They met the enemy after many days,
And dug in did they at the Devil's Maze.
For days they sat, awaiting their fate,
Gathering courage during the wait.
"Ready your guns!" Did the Captain finally cry,
"No longer shall we sit by and by!"
Aiming from the trench's edge,
Shots rang down upon the Battalion's heads.
"Fire!" The Captain soon declared,
And from the trenches men fired if they dared.
Many fell and many died,
All before the Captain's eyes.
Mourn did he, but did not cry;
For it was the Battalions job to stand or die.
"Forward charge!" The Captain yelled,
Of black powder the air smelled.
Forward did the Battalion charge,
Straight into Death's Arms.
Of the Battalion not one survived,
Not even the Captain cried;
Even as bullets pierced his chest,
Even as he began his final rest.
For he knew that though they had lost the fight,
What the Battalion done was right.
They laid down their own lives,
To ensure that others did survive.
Died did they for their people,
To ensure they would not fall victim to this evil.
Though the Battalion had no victory,
They would be heroes in the eyes of history.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I think that you have a very good idea for this poem, but it doesn’t exactly jump off the page, and make someone want to read it.
One of the biggest reasons is that you have rhymed this poem. It makes it seem very constricted and awkward. This poem is telling a story and I don't think you need to narrow your word choice by trying to rhyme them.
Another thing is that this poem is set up very awkwardly. You started off by having four lines per stanza, but then you started having five of two lines.
It also seemed like you rushed through this poem especially at the end. Don't get me wrong you had some wonderful descriptions in this piece but I think that it could use a little bit more.
Again I think that this is a very good idea for a poem. It just needs a little bit of work. Keep up the good Work!
This is quite weak with the forced rhyming and not really giving us insight into the people. Sure they're fighting but I didn't feel anything it was all just words, no senses were effected in anyway. A story can be told in poetry but make us feel it. It's a nice idea but I agree with Pegasi this would be better told as free verse. And if you want help in making people feel war. Read Wilfred Owen he was an Officer in WW1 who wrote poetry. Now for telling instead of describing make us see it. Don't take the horror away from us. Let us feel it.
For 'bout' yep you spelt it right.
Overall: Poetry doesn't need to rhyme for it to be poetry. End the rhyme scheme and make it free verse also try and envoke our senses.
Good luck
VSN.
I'm saying straight off, I don't know anyting about a bout, sorry. Can't help you with that.
I like the idea. However, a couple of points;
1) Your rhyming sounds forced throughout the poem, which sets on a forced rhythm. I think free verse would have made this more effective; Rhyming is difficult, restrictive. Here, it's not that effective
2) I noticed that for a while you kept repeating the same last line of "Yet the Battalion marched on". That's fine - but why did you do it only on a few strophes? And you only started with the second... wierd. Plus,at first you had the stanzas of equal length, and then you started altering that, too - with therhyme and the rpetition of hat last line, it was all rahter...strange. Reconsider changing that maybe, somehow
3) You need more imagery if you want to convey the battle and the hardships of te Battalion effectively. This is where I thingk the rhyme restricts you. In order to make me feel sad at the end, you need to build up the mood of battle and danger from the start - you haven't been doing that. You've basically been stating what's been going on. So, yeah - more imagery, definately
4) Just to note, no need to capitalise every line. May be me just nitpicking, as I personally don't like it
So, hope that helped. Good work, anyway
Oh, and since nobody has review this yet I should ask; is that the right kind of "bout"? I mean "bout" as in fighting, but I'm not sure if that is the right "bout" or not.