The Place Itself (Jerome's Collection #1)

Hey paracosm! Here I am to review! This is a great piece and it has great rhythm. However in the words there are too many repetitions, and also a lack of horror. Look at the variations of dark.

...Their hiding place is dark,...

...Darker than the closet...

...Darker than His will....

Three dark or a form like it. I think yuk should substitute at least one into some synonym!

Then cold. Look at the amount of cold there is!

...Their hiding place is cold....

...Cold like moisture in a cavern....

...Cold like His clammy hands....

So much cold. To be honest though I think the repetitions are on purpose. I just find it incredibly icky.

I like how you refer to the garden of Eden (I presume) in the following line:

...Like the fruit in the garden....

Really creative and subtle!


One thing I fear is missing though. Horror! You need to strike that dark fear into the reader. Lines like the following:

...It's not tempting, it's terrifying.....

...like the eyes that are watching....

Don't convey terror. In fact the former line is rather lame!

I think describing the MC's terror would be a better wag to go about scaring people. Agree?

Anyway nice piece great rhythm. Keep it up!

Let the writings flow from your pen!!!

Wow! This is a really deep poem, and I loved it.
I didn't realise quite how deeply it ran at first, then I noticed allt he little themes you have running. For example, I love the way you use feelings and sensations to enhance the poem, such as:
" Cold like moisture in a cavern.

Cold like His clammy hands. "
It makes the poem feel a lot more realistic, and somewhat creepy.
And there's the running theme of "forbidden fruit"- an idea that to eat it is a sin, bad things will happen.
"t's not a good place for girls like you."
This sounds like Eve, as she was the one to eat the apple, rather than Adam. And here:
"it's not tempting, it's terrifying."
This again makes me think of the story of Adam and Eve.
You really build up a sense that something awful is about to happen. It's as though there is some internal temptation to go down into the basement and see Jerome, even though it is "forbidden". But what awful repercussions will occur if you do venture down to the basement...?
Overall, a fantastic poem which I really enjoyed. I apologise if my review does not reflect what you tried to convey in your poem, but this is the way I interpreted it. Great job!

Hello, Paracosm!
RachelLeeAnn here to review!

I enjoyed your work here. I particularly liked the comparisons used when describing how dark and cold the closet is.

You created great imagery and feeling in each stanza.
Just a couple nitpicks:
You kept capitalizing "His" in the first couple of stanzas. It may just be because I'm a christian, but I automatically assume God is being referred to when the H is capitalized. I'm pretty sure God wasn't being referred to here, so I was a momentarily confused as to why the Hs were capitalized. Emphasis?

Also,

Their hiding place is forbidden.

Like the fruit in the garden.

"Never go down there,

it's not a good place for girls like you."

Forbidden like the closet where Jerome hides.

I don't want to go to the basement.

But I need to.

It's not tempting, it's terrifying.

But down there, I can find the truth.

This is a unique poem, that shows a nightmare that a child actually hides from when they hide in the closet. They fear the person or thing that will get them, and hide in the closet- unknowing that it can still get them. This poem is a good, and it has an interesting twist on it. I loved the poem since it was strange and different. It has quenched my thirst for a good piece of poetry. This has been well written. I can not wait to read more of the collection.