Well its been awhile since I've posted. There is a sad much of my life, as well as symbols and allusions, woven into the poem. Hopefully everything shows. Please comment; opinions and the such are always welcome. -Paper
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Words for a Gray Aster
This soul is lost.
Amidst a dying field of daisies,
A white thrush sings alone;
Soft songs of faded dust and
Songs of sadness never known.
Quiet words of ash stain the wind,
Where hollow prayers took flight,
Forming grim tigers of soot, who once
Glowed amber in forests of Light.
Now absent dangers plague the mind,
Whilst truer sorrows occupy the soul;
A bare life bound mist to smoke,
In silent whispers of what it stole.
Hollow men cast temples of ash;
Ivory pillars with broken stone,
Revel at songs of faded dust and
Songs of a sadness never known.
_
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hiya Paper!
Wo-ow. This was good. Can I even find things wrong...?
Something here in the last two lines. The alliteration, I find, makes it hard to read. I sort of skipped down to the fourth line and missed the third line altogether. I'd replace "soft" with something else so that doesn't happen.
The more I read this stanza, the more I love it. The imagery and flow is beautiful. It's also nice how you reword things so the imagery is coherent yet not repetitive. Nice work!
Hmm. The third line here is making me trip while reading this. Maybe I'm not getting the allusion? The fourth line is okay and I like reading it. I'm just not sure how it ties into the third line (since it seems you have imagery divided into couplets?)
Chilling. However (I feel so bad pointing things out because this is beautiful!) I'm not exactly sure how the first two lines fit in with the poem. I can see how it fits, but it's vague. Ohhh, never mind that. I can see the tie-in now. The ash ties in with the tigers and the ivory is the white that's been mentioned before. Nice.
*
Flow: It was really well done here. I might have tripped over a handful of lines, but that was because I was reading them too quickly and not taking the time to enjoy this poem! This is really something to read slowly. The meaning is so interwoven with the images that in order to get them one needs to read it slowly. The rhyme scheme was also perfect. Not one line was forced! ^_^
Meaning: So sad. This poem sticks to you. There's no two ways about it. You read it a few times, wonder, put things together, and it makes sense but it doesn't. I really like that quality in poetry.
I feel like I should give my impressions on this. The beginning is somebody away, in death, scattering the past (ashes) on the wind. The character then goes back into normal life, but it's different. Broken. The innocence was stolen. And the final stanza is rebuilding something out of materials that won't last. All because the songs aren't known.
Overall: This was absolutely amazing. Now that I've written up the meaning, I'm not sure if my nit-picks are valid anymore. If you don't agree, don't change them. The poem is good on it's own. And I agree with Thren up there.
Sorry I was a little late. ^^
~Rosey
hey this is really good but i do get what you're talking about and where you are going
Hi Paper Moon!
In fact, I was wondering whatever happened to you just the other day.
I'd love to read more of it.
No, no, no, you're not forgotten at all.
So, it seems like this poem has had some criticism, and been revised over already. I have to say that I (sadly) do not have any criticism to offer on this; it's a rather brilliant work.
It's exceptionally beautiful, Paper. It's sad, and really carries strong emotion that your audience can easily, easily relate to.
Also! Your rhyme scheme was absolutely, absolutely brilliant, dear. It was so beautifully pulled off; I haven't read a meaningful poem with an amazing rhyme scheme as this in quite a while.
I really do like your poetry.
Keep writing!
June
Well, it appears an explanation, clarification rather, in in need.
I've found that in this life it is the exterior dangers that hurt us, heart and soul, while it is the future dangers, dangers not yet realized or come, that fester and thus plague the contemplative mind. The mind does not dwell and let fester on immediate misfortune, rather the future misfortune. Does that make sense?
Hm, as far as the faded dust comment, I questioned using it and so slightly anticipated the comment. Excellent reading by the way reader, as I wrote and reread the line I wasn't sure if it was one of those things only spaz like me would notice or...not. True, dust can be symbolic of ruin and the such, but nothing is forever. If one considers it symbolically one could say that dust would only fade, and by fading a slow thinning, from something like the wind, which may symbolically be the winds of change or time. Either would remove ruin, again nothing is forever. One may even look at the wind as Shelley's West Wind, thus sustaining the sense of ruin.
Haha, don't get me wrong though, I'm happy to be in an environment with such sharp people. Xd
Write on.
-PaperMoon
I don't know if you really are following some syllable pattern, but if I were you, I'd put that "and" on the beginning of the last verse in this stanza.
This is amazing; great image.
Try not to repeat used WORDS in the poem. You can find many other WORDS with the similar meanings that are actually WORDS, do you see all the WORDS now?
Now, onto your question:
-the poem really has its "something". You proved that with your vivid "poetic" imagination, and even some metaphors didn't work (as foreverthrenody said), I think this poem has its meaning well explained.
My only advice would be that you try to read it one more time and see yourself if everything is good.
Oh and one more thing... "word"
Aw, this is a really depressing poem. Here's some of my editing suggestions, and then I'll tell you what I think.
• I think that you meant "Quiet" by "Quite."
• The rhythm of the stanza is thrown off by too many syllables in the last two lines. I advise that you cut the "the" in the last line so it reads "Glowed amber in forests of Light."
• Explain your reasoning in the first line. Would absent dangers plague the mind, because personally, quite the reverse would plague mine.
• I know I'm being such the critic here, but dust, (as mentioned in the third line) is the result of fading and a frequent metaphor for ruin, nasty turns of events, and other outcomes that weren't expected and/or invited. Therefore, dust itself will not fade, the metaphor doesn't work.
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I think that this poem really does display what you were trying to portray. I love your word choice and your metaphors and juxtapositrions (in some cases) work together well.
I have a suggestion. Quit posting here and get yourself published. All of your work is amazing.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody