This is not a complete story, it's just another little bit, I'd like some suggestions and help re the dialogue, or bascially any critique anyone wants to give me is really needed. This fits in part of a story that is set in the 40s or 50s, the main character is a singer who performs in a show in a club, so anything that sounds a bit old-fashioned is meant to be old-fashioned. If anything doesn't fit with that, let me know.
I found the courage I’d felt backstage was almost gone, now I stood and faced my audience for the last time. I had performed some of my most controversial and talked-about pieces for them, only nights before, but speaking your mind is a thousand miles away from singing the carefully planned words of others. The audience looked up expectantly at me from their drinks, and through the cloud of smoke, I saw John’s proud smile, his arms outstreched over the leather corner seat. John, as bold and strong as his whiskey. John with sovereigns in his eyes, and shining gold in his teeth.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” I swallowed hard, and holding my fluttering heart, spoke the truth for once,
“I would like to say a final farewell tonight. Performing in Revenie’s has been a rewarding experience, and a satisfying one for me personally, I have never before felt such freedom through personal expression. It is with sadness that I have to announce my resignation from The Ghostlight Show,”
John was standing up now. He grabbed hold of Daniel in desperation, and then fell to his seat, his head in his hands, his hair dangling down above his glass. The audience was silent, shocked, I think, and half expecting it to be a joke, an introduction of a new act comprising of the same members,
“I would like to explain my reasons for this announcement. While I have been fortunate enough to perform my show with Daniel each night, a fine pianist and a fine example of a gentleman, I have not experienced such amiable working relations with the owner of this establishment.
“I am no longer able to continue performing under the level of control John Revenie has put upon me. Mr Revenie began an affair with me four weeks ago, and although each night he tells all of you I’m the star of his show, every meeting had to be kept a secret. Every gift he gives me has to be hidden away, every restaurant he takes me to has to be on the other side of town. Why? Because for the last three of those four weeks, John has been frequenting a certain hotel, The Open Door, at uncertain hours of the night, to seek the company of a charming young lady by the name of Bella. Only a matter of hours after Mr Revenie asked me to become his wife and partner in business,”
A gasp, and a flutter of confused whispers. Was this a new act, or a genuine confession?
“In fact only six hours after Mr Revenie asked me this, did I see him on the balcony of the third floor of the Open Door, his arms around Bella, his careful words around Bella, taking out his wallet. Mr Revenie has since threatened me with unemployment, should I go on to decline his proposal, or speak to a single friend or relative about what I saw last night. Since there is no possibility that I will be able to accept Mr Revenie’s proposal, I would like to announce my resignation, and my reasons for this, in front of all the witnesses I feel is appropriate. Goodnight.”
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this was a pretty nice story that sense quite a strong message to people with what it is trying to showcase here. It's a really nice and pretty uplifting story to see this person face her challenges and overcome them head on without bowing down to the threats that she was faced with. You've done a wonderful job with building up a character like that here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is a really nice little opening paragraph there. You've got some pretty cool visuals right there and you can definitely immediately get a 40's, 50's vibe from the words that you use. And its also a really nice touch there to show the sort of person John is by the descriptions. And as a bonus we also get some backstory about the character that is narrating and that is also really nice to see.
Oooh well that does sound like a pretty sad moment there. Definitely felt like a pretty realistic start to such a speech so good job there.
I love the audience reaction that you came up with there. Also pretty realistic to what would happen in real life and its just a nice touch overall.
Oooh someone is not being afraid to get things across at all there. Good on him for being that brave.
Oh dear that is not a very nice experience to have. Mr. Revenie certainly sounds like a total not gentleman.
Good on her for having the courage to speak out like that. I really love the direction that this story went in. Its a sad but still uplifting message and shows a really courageous and amazing act by this woman.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty well written little short that definitely shows a really nice message. The overall flow of the story is also pretty decent and the vocabulary seems pretty appropriate for the setting its in. Aaand that's about all I have to say!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Angela,
Thanks so much, everything there is related to this is posted here... I'm writing the story in no particular order, so nothing follows on or leads up to this directly. I've basically written out a detailed plan of the plot I'm writing in about 50 sections, and I'm trying to write about 500-1000 words a day, taking any one of the sections I choose that day. So I could technically end up writing the ending before the beginning... I know that's a weird way to write, but any prose you find in my portfolio is a part of this even if it seems unrelated
I really don't have any critique. This was really good. You did the exposition-via-dialogue spectacularly. Is there any more to this? Can you post it?
Hi thank you so much for your review, I know it's not really a review but it's amazing to get some positive feedback. I really wasn't sure if this was any good or not.
I haven't read many novels from the first half of the 1900s either... and I've definately not read any English books from that time. I've read The Great Gatsby, The Sun Also Rises etc and I love Italo Calvino's books... so my characters are obviously English but it's really hard to know a lot of the things they would say/do. I really need to start hanging out with some old people!
I will post more, but seriously I'm not writing the story in whole, I'm just doing like 1000 words a day and then planning to stick them all together in the end, somehow =s
Hey i really like this, i don't really have any critiques, just that i want to read more! I think the dialogue is good, but there's not much to critique, it's just one woman talking. I love the style of writing from the 50's, although all i've read are Raymond Chandler novels so can't comment much on that, but i love the mood of it, and this. Please write and post more