Published March 3, 2009
As i walked to the one I loved.
All covered in blood.
I cried in fear.
But where the tears?
I was left with out a hope. With out my only love.
I sat there, looking at the sky.
Rage was there, peering through the clouds. Revenge! Revenge!
I stood up and kissed the corpse good-bye.
Where was the killer? He was going to die!
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141,462 Literary Works • 674,479 Reviews
Hi there!
First off, I hope I don’t come off to mean.
Alright, so it’s not a hard thing to create typos, I’m sure you know ‘I’ should be capitalized. Then the line ’But where the tears’ just reads completely weird. I don’t like it, it seems far too out of place.
“with out” should be “without”.
“Revenge! Revenge!”
I think if you are going to use this bit, that it’d work best as its own line, rather as an add on to the one before. Finally “good-bye” and “die” are underlined because it seems like your rhymes are forced and aren’t necessarily, while necessary.
*Overall, not to bad, just overlook it a bit better. ^^
Emoticons should never, unless under threat of death, be allowed in a poem.
Now I am a victim of writing something in one mad go and then smiling like I just finished masturbating as show off the work to people who point out that everything is in a gigantic mess and I need to read it out loud before I ever show it off again. I can't blame you for that. But I can blame you for writing another banal piece of angst ridden poetry. If my words are strong it's because a poem of this mediocrity does not need a scalpel, it needs the sledgehammer.
But as I believe in poetry, and its power to enlighten and heal, I hope you keep writing. Just do it better.
Hi Paper and Pencil! Welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I am going to review this for you
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No fair.
Pah, no reviews yet?
The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized, dear
This poses confusion for the reader. Are you covered in blood, or is it the one you love who is covered in blood?
I think in the second line you mean, But where are the tears?
with out should be one word; without.
Wait... why are you sitting looking at the sky, when you were walking to them covered in blood, crying in fear?[/quote]
Rage was where? In the sky? Hm, why is rage in the sky? I mean, is there anything up there that should be mad? Maybe if you use rain or thunder to symbolize rage, then this would make more sense, dear.
Corpse? But, you never tell us there is a corpse, dear!
How do you know the killer is a He? It could be a revengeful female, y'know?
So, this poem was decent. It needs a bit of polishing and clarification, but it's a good base to expand upon.
Why use so many periods, though? Don't bring us to that many full stops throughout the poem! It's confusing for us, because with a period, we're preparing our minds for a new idea, yet, you continue.
So! Just pay attention to that, and revise this. I don't doubt that this could turn into a masterpiece.
Keep it up!
June