Young Writers Society

OMG, Paolamarie! This is frankly the best piece of poetry in this genre (and many others, too) that I have ever read! speakerskat referred it to me and many other users, which I think is super duper sweet <3333
This is beautifully written, easy to follow, plain and simple, enchanting to read, and it is soooo consistent. The rhythmic tone surged so fluently and the theme was nicely executed. Beautiful job, and props to Speaker for being such a selfless asset to the site for promoting the work of friends. Very admirable.
Your piece is lovely and I'll definitely be reading more from you for the next few days c:
Again, lovely job, keep writing, do your best, and good luck ^-^


(And nice to meet you for the first time lololol)

Catnip~~~~

So I will do a line by line review for you. Here it goes:

I knew I was in trouble
when we kissed.
It has been so long
Change it has to it's. It will help it flow a little smoother.
since I have felt like this
Change I have to I've. It will help it flow a little smoother.

It has been 3 weeks
now,how much longer can i take
Remove "now", and capitilize you're I.
I hope you're able to see what I see
Remove "what I see".
when I'll tell you that you're my
true soul mate.
This line isn't really working. It disrupts your flow.


I have put so much brain into things
This line feels and sounds odd. Also all of the "little words" you throw into this poem is killing your flow. When you put in a word, especially in a poem, make every word count. Ask yourself "What does this word contribute to this poem?"
that I'm ending up feeling weak.
why can't you see
that you belong with me?
O.K. I don't know if you've ever heard of Taylor Swift. She's an American country singer, but she has a song that uses these two lines word for word. My point here is that it's not original at all. It's pretty cliche.


So many days have passed
so many thoughts going through
my mind
that i don't understand
Capitilize your I, add a period at the end.
why are you not mine?
Capitilize W in why.


Lately I don't know what to think.
Remove lately. Add period.
is it going to be her or is it going to be me?
Capitilize I on is, and I'd change this to "will you choose her or me." There are too many little words in this line.
I don't want to make you choose
but I know i don't really have
Capitilize I.
a vote to speak.

I knew what I was getting myself into
we both agreed that no feelings can go in this
but you're the one winning in this game
isn't that true?
This stanza doesn't flow too well.

A distance has grown between us
why is it? why is this happening?!
Capitilize the W's .Also seperate the questions into different lines and take out the ! mark.
I miss us
what we had
I miss it so bad.
Ehhh, just no. It's really not working. This is WAY too basic.

But you're with her, everyday
so I guess I'll just sit and wait
wait until that day comes for my
Remove wait.
heart to break.

Okie dokie. Overall, this needs some work. I didn't focus on all of your grammar mistakes, but you need to go back and check it. Also, this is a really cliche general type of poem. Yes, this emotion has been felt by humans since the beginning of time and is a popular emotion to express! I would suggest adding imagery in there. This can be done easily by using metaphors and similes. If people feel emotion jujst from this, imagine what it could be when they can actually see it! You'll get better with practice. I don't mean to be harsh. Keep working with this and keep writing.
~Kay.

Hello, Paola Marie! This is VRYX, remember me? By the way thanks for reviewing my poem with such positive attitude . Now, to review your work "Trouble"
- The curiosity provided by your title, although typical did brought me here.
*Message wise, It was clear, direct and strong. Was that based on your experience? I really want to know. If its true to life, I can really relate and I tell you, writing about it lightened my load. I felt the heavy emotions as I read verse per verse. The simplicity also helped clarifying the feedback of the readers. You did a master piece here but you dont need to be a martyr just saying. Personally, you remind me of someone ))))))
*Technically, I commend you to the constant rhythm and the consistency of the flow. It was really heartfelt.
--- Even though it was sad, tragic and emotionally heavy poem, it just means you did a great job. Thats all Paola Marie, This is my first review my friend so can you please be good
---For every storm theres a rainbow. Pleasant day Paola, follow me and Ill follow you, hahaha
KEEP WRITING ^_^

Hello, I want to give a review on your poem.
The emotion was real strong, and it made me remember how bad this feeling is.
I enjoyed the rhyming, and its consistency. I do think that you could have used just a littler more rhyming, but it was still great.
I also enjoyed your anticipation. The question asking towards the end was just a nice touch to the anticipation.
Overall I really enjoyed your poem, and thought you did a fantastic job on it.

-Jack

Hi so I want to formaly reveiw your poem, because it rocks so much that I feel that any critism I give it will only serve to make it better.

The good:

1. The emotion- Its raw, its there, and its strong. Each line can clearly show your feelings. Great job.

2. The consistancy- You stick to your formating pretty well. Same with your rhyme scheme.

The not so good:
I don't want you to feel like I'm ganging up on you, but I do feel like you need to hear some of these things.

1. Imagery- Or should I say lack of imagery. While I can feel your emotion, I can't really see it. Using metaphors, similies, and personifications will give you that little bit of umph that you need.

2. Your rhyming- While consistant, it was very forced. It was pseudo rhyme, which is fine, but at the same time I feel like you could have used much stronger, more well matched words and still have had that feeling get across.

Overall:
It was good. Sad, emotional, heartfelt, good. It needs work no doubt, but with a little TLC you can definatly make this strong.

Hey, its SecreteJournalist for a review, but feel free to call me Brie I follow anyone I review, so consider yourself followed

You deserve this guy. I have no doubt. But I felt the same once.. a short while ago. If you love someone, let them do as they please. If it is meant to be, he will come back. I only see a few slip ups on capitalization to the I's. It has a good flow, and I absolutely love this poem! If you write like this, I am excited to read whatever else you have! With effort, I can see you with a bright future in writing.

~SecreteJournalist

Aw.
This is so cute and tragic at the same time. <3
You had some pretty raw and universal emotions in here and I think you displayed them pretty well. Good job. There's a couple places in here where I think you should have capitalized your I's. and Also toward the beginning of the poem, I felt like using contractions would help speed up the poem and give it a smoother flow.
In some places your rhyme is rather awkward, and I'd get rid of it if it's getting in your way.

Good job all together, You have a lot of talent and I hope your love sees how much you love him.
Keep writing!

-Fortis Fortitude

Oh mah gosh :'( ahh!
I have had my heart broken three times and now I don't feel like I will ever date again! It sounds like one of those cliche movies....YOU SHOULD GET THE GUY. You know...the best friend always realizes that his best friend is his actual soul mate...rofl wish that was true...

ANYWHO
reguarding the poem itself however I really loved it although it was tragic. I liked the structure and the flow, well done!

Keep it up
~Kat