Heya, DarkPandemonium! Kara Stevens here for a (hopefully) quick review!
Dang, I have NOT reviewed in the longest time. I am also typing this on my phone, so prepare for spelling/grammar atrocities. I also have three dogs clamoring over me so it might have a few "ajfoevksngk" that I missed XD
Also, this is the first review to get into KotGR so I'm excited to just jump into this
GRAMMAR TIME!!
I always start with grammar first so I can possibly grab any and all typos and stuff because I have OCD. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, after all.
You were extremely good with grammar. I saw a few mistakes, but otherwise you didn't have any other problems. Let's start:
No it didn’t.
There should be a comma after "No."
mistress’
There is only one mistress, correct? Therefore, there should be an apostrophe "s" after "mistress."
She saw the cat dart out from the gap between a bookmaker’s and a bakery.
I think it's strange that there could be several gaps between two stores next to each other. Also, a bookmaker is called a bookbinder (I got this from reading fantasy books) as well as a little inconsistency. Are the store fronts facing the servant? Otherwise, she wouldn't know what they were...
And then she saw the footprints.
The word "and" is generally not used in the beginning of a sentence. I know, I'm guilty of doing so too, but only when the sentence before would become a run-on if I use it correctly. Also, without "and" the sentence would have more impact. Just something to worry about.
OTHER THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME:
You don't have to read this part... these are other things that aren't nessessarily grammar but they did bother my OCD a little bit. I'm also going backwards from the bottom to the top.
It took almost a minute for a rent to emerge in the smoggy cloud
What's a rent?
She had to trace the rough walls with her fingertips, while her shaky breathes rebounded between them.
I know that you meant the walls, but you need to be more specific. It sounds like the shaky breathes rebounded in between her fingertips.
skittering beneath a bench
In this paragraph, it was describing a cat running in between buildings. But how can the servant see the bench if the cat was running in between the buildings? The benches would be in front of the buildings instead of being in the middle of the road, correct?
I also agree with Lumos below about how the cat togjen caught her attention. Why did it catch her attention, but not other cats
OVERALL:
I actually really enjoyed the story! Other than those OCD-ic things, I really thought you did a great job, as well as an interesting story idea and the way you narrated things. It's a plot that leaves a lot of questions for the reader to answer to themselves, which leads them to inter sting conclusions. Who was that man in the alley- Emmet or someone else? How will the servant react- run away or call the police? What did the mistress do to antagonize the servant? This is something I like in stories and books. ((Those are rhetorical questions, by the way. Just wanted to list examples.))
Good job, and keep writing!~
Kara R. Stevens
Points: 15630
Reviews: 364
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