Published March 29, 2009
I’m sailing out of control,
In your blue ocean eyes,
There is so much to love,
But more to despise.
They are calming and tranquil,
But with one gust of wind,
The sea turns killing and dark,
My love is wearing thin.
I’m shaken and thrown,
To the edge of the raft,
Gripping and holding,
All you can do is laugh.
I yell “Don’t let me go,”
I’m trying to save myself,
Heroes and brave men do not exist,
I don’t want to be another Damsel on your shelf.
I’m flailing in the ocean blue,
My body curls with fear,
But my legs know they have to keep kicking,
I scream but no one hears.
If I don’t kick,
I’ll drown a blue death,
I’ve never felt so cold,
Because I no longer feel your breath.
But I’m stronger than you say I am,
This is not the first time I’ve fallen off trail,
I will keep kicking,
I will prevail.
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this is really good. i like how you broke it up. there were a few parts that i didn't quite understand, like "i don't want to be another damsel on your shelf" and "my love is wearing thin." something about those lines i just don't understand.
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good job, all in all. just try to make those lines a little more clear.
I don't know what to say. It was not some 'everyday poem'. I thought it was great, Dear. Well. There is really not much for me to say. Once again, it was great. Keep on going, and stay faithful.
Hey there PanicAndFlee!
Darko has almost covered it all.
I wanted to point out your rhyming and rhythm, since it's the theme less developed.
Let's see an example, shall we?
Well, right here you completely killed the flow! The two last lines are completely off. You were doing fine until this part, where you added too much syllables. I assumed you wrote a longer sentence so that it could rhyme. Am I correct?
Let's talk about that. Have you heard of free verse? You don't have to always rhyme. A poem with rhyming makes it much funner to read. And when you do use rhyme, try to keep a definite scheme. Like you did here. But at some places, it seems forced. Like in the above quote and in some other places. Don't just throw words in there to make it rhyme!
Did you understand? If you have any question about this matter, or any other, just PM me.
On to another thing. You don't have to capitalize every first word on a sentence. It's preferred to not capitalize when the line above was ended with a comma.
Don't get me wrong, this isn't bad. It's quite good, in a matter of fact. It just needs some polishing up. You displayed your thoughts and the idea very well
*Kat*
All right, same thing here:
!. Rhyme-if it's okay, it's forced.
!!. Punctuation.
!!!. Syllables-rhythm.
!V. Too much feelings that are pretty messed up, inwrought in the poem, but they're still quite complicated to understand.
wow. That was really good
I liked it. Just one thing though: you started almost every single stanza the same way. I would suggest begginning some of them a different way sometimes, just to make it look a little better. Absolutely great job though, I love the feeling and emotion you put behind this, and the creativeness shining through every line. Awesome! 