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Young Writers Society



The Awakening (ch 2)

by PandyBear528


hahah sorry Jackie! I didnt do the stars this time! too lazy, if you want me to keep doing them please tell me, i don't want you mad at me!

________________________

TYLER

I walked home in a state of shock. Ryan had the Gift. But how could she? She wasn’t one of my family members, and she definitely wasn’t part of the other world I belonged to. She was just a sweet, innocent, beautiful, loving… Shut up, shut up, shut up! There was no way that things could ever possibly work out between us; I was different and much too dangerous for her.

I rounded the corner and walked up the path to my house. I opened the door, blinking quickly at the sunlight that poured into my open windows. My mom was sitting in a small chair, sipping tea and reading newspaper. I went to sit next to her. She took one look at my face and set everything down.

“What is it?” she asked, looking into my eyes.

“Nothing,” I said, lying through my teeth. She knew.

“Tell me, or you’re grounded.”

“That’s not fair; I didn’t do anything!” My mother could be the most frustrating person in the world.

“You’re not telling me the truth.” I think she knew what she could be, and used it against me. Ugh.

“Fine. You caught me. You remember me talking about Ryan Vansant?” Her eyes widened for a minute, then they started to glow with happiness.

“Oh that sweet girl? I just love her. Is everything okay with her?” She asked. Right then my older brother, Seth, came walking in with his boxers on. He thought he was so cool.

“Isn’t Ryan the one you like, drool over in the hallway?” I picked up the picture sitting next to me and threw it at him. Hard. He ducked just in time.

“Jeez, cant ask a question around here, can I?” I glared at him. Ryan wasn’t the girl I drooled over. She was my soul mate. I knew it was right. It had to be. Well, maybe she wasn’t mine so much anymore. If I hadn’t been what I happened to be at the particular moment, and happened to be just a normal person, then perhaps things would happen to work out and I would happen to be a little happier. Or something…like that…? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m in love with Ryan Vansant and I am not aloud to be.

“No you cant. Now get out.” He shrugged and walked off to the game room. I relaxed a little after he was gone.

“What were you saying, honey?” I looked at her again.

“Mom…Ryan can uh…she can..”—sigh—“Ryan can—” My dad walked in. No way would I let him know someone outside of the Redmond Family could see. He would get suspicious and wouldn’t stop puncturing her. Heck! She didn’t even know she had it. I felt sorry for her. She must be traumatized. Dad just stopped in the doorway and stood.

“What is it, Tyler?” My mom asked. I had to cover this up. The I got an idea.

“Ryan can’t stop crying. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer. She is dying.” Okay, so it wasn’t technically a lie. Her mom had died from cancer. Two years ago, that is. Whenever someone asked her about her mom she just told them that her mom was in Italy working.

“Oh sweety…give her my remorse. Tell her she is in our prayers.” I nodded my head, dismissing myself away. I walked up into my room, when my phone started to vibrate in my pocket. It was lit up with a name that always made me smile. Ryan.

“Tyler? Tyler?!” Her voice was high pitched and squealing, on the verge on tears.

“What is it, honey?” I asked, immediately trying to soothe her. Even though I knew it could never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever work out, I loved her more than anything and when she was scared, I was scared.

“Tyler… something happened when I was walking home.” Damn it! I knew I shouldn’t have let her go home by herself! She had been so upset her Gift must have kicked in. I knew it was partly my fault. I had lost my composure when I saw Jason get hit by that car, I’d lost it. I saw things like that happen all the time. That was just part of who I was. But I hadn’t been expecting it and I was just caught up in the moment. I shouldn’t have lost it. After she knew I knew, but refused to ‘fess up, she’s lost it too. And while she was sobbing “Liar!” to my face, I’d offered to walk her home. I should’ve insisted more.

“What happened, Ryan? What happened?”

“I saw him again. Tyler, I know you saw him get hit by that car. I know you did. I don’t know why you won’t tell me what’s going on, but I need to know, Tyler. Please, I’m scared.” The last sentence was whispered. She had me. How could I say no to her? I hated that!

“Ryan, please listen to me, and listen to me closely. Go to your house right now. Stay there until I come tonight. I’ll ring the doorbell a million times so you know it’s me. I’ll tell you everything, ok?”

“Thank you,” she said. I could tell she was crying.

“Your dad isn’t home, is he?”

“No.”

“Good.” I sighed. “I’ve got to go now, Ryan. Do what I said, ok?”

“Ok,” she said, her voice ragged.

“I love you Ryan,” I said into the phone.

I heard her laugh a little bit, sounding slightly hysterical. But still, a laugh was a laugh. “You know, I never thought I would ever say this before today, but I love you, too, Tyler. Bye.” I heard the phone click.

What the heck was that supposed to mean?!

“What are you going to tell her?” I spun around to see my dad standing in the doorway. He’d heard everything I’d just said.

“Uh…when did you get up here?” He shrugged.

“What’s the matter? What’s going on Tyler?” I shook my head. Jeez, lying was so hard.

“You see, she called me because some freak has been following her home. I don’t want her to worry so I’m going to go over to her house.” My dad narrowed his eyes at me.

“What are you going to tell her?” He repeated again.

“Well, tips, I guess. You know safety stuff. Lock the doors, always have someone with you, stuff like that.” I told him. Good thing he bought it.

“Well, make sure she is safe.” Then he walked out. All right, cool. My dad wasn’t easy to lie to. My mom bought everything. But my dad? No, not so much. I had to lie through my teeth to plant the seed of doubt in his head. Well at least he let me go. I had to get to Ryan’s house before something else went wrong. I had to.

As I went running down the stairs I bumped into Anna Marie, my younger sister of age fifteen. Ahh, the joys of having a fifteen year old sister who just got her braces off, thought she was super hott and had the most amazing boyfriend. In her words of course.

“Ew, get out of my way.” She said. I was big enough to block her path.

“Get out of mine.” I said back. She looked up at me. Okay, she wasn’t hott, she was my sister, but she had that pure beauty. It wasn’t super model pretty but, soft, young beauty. She had long blond, curly hair with big green eyes. I actually started to think I was the ugly one of the family. I looked down a smiled. I kissed her forehead, ignoring her groan with annoyance.

“I’ll see you later, Anna, I love you.” I walked out around her and to the door.

“Whatever,” she said, rolling her eyes and continuing to march up the stairs. I shrugged past her, walking down the stairs. I ran through the door, ignoring my mom’s “Where are you…” and entered back into the day. I didn’t know what time to get to Ryan’s house, but I thought I should go now. Besides, I had to get out of my house. I walked down my steps and numbly walked to the park. I sat down and thought.

Ryan has the gift. What am I supposed to do? Should I tell her that I know what she is going through? I told her I would explain, but can I actually do that?! I will get in so much trouble. But, how can I not tell her the truth? When it first happened to me, I was freaking out! I don’t know how I would have made it without my family, and Ryan has no one. But me.

I had my answer. I would tell her, and help her. I knew we would not be able to do it here, someone might here, mainly my father. We were going to have to run. I thought of everything I’d done to make myself welcome here, everything my family had done to be inconspicuous. Was I willing to risk that all for a girl?

Again, I had my answer.

Yes.

Ryan was the one I was meant to be with, unfortunately, and I’d known it sense I’d met her. I’d known that I was going to have to screw up my entire life, but in the end, it would all be worth it.

I hoped.

I noticed it was getting dark so I started to walk to Ryan’s house, taking slow steps to prolong my obvious job. When I got to her house, I pressed against the doorbell. She didn’t answer after fifteen jabs. Was she seriously expecting me to ring the doorbell a million times?

“Ryan! Answer the door!” She came to the door after I’d been banging and ringing for about three minutes. She looked awful.

There were dark rings around her eyes and her face was drawn and pale. I went into her house and hugged her tightly. She crumpled into my arms.

“Ryan, it’s ok, it’ll be ok. I’m here; it’s all ok.” She stood slowly and walked back into her dining room without a word. I followed just as silently.

She sat at a chair, gesturing for me to sit in another one, again without speaking.

“Ryan, are you ok? I mean, I know you’re scared and confused, but really, it’s not that big of a deal.”

That somehow set her off. “NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?!”

“Ryan, Ryan… I didn’t mean…”

“NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?! TYLER DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT THIS IS DOING TO ME?!”

“Ryan calm down! Or at least be a little quieter.”

“DON’T YOU DARE! DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! I’M SEEING DEAD PEOPLE BEFORE THEY DIE, TYLER!”

“Ryan!”

“TYLER WHAT IS GOING ON IN ME? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?”

“Why don’t you speak a little louder, Ry? Maybe some people in China can’t hear you.”

She let out a shriek. “TYLER WHAT IS GOING ON?!”

“LET ME EXPLAIN!” I roared, getting fed up with it. I stood up and shouted in her face. “IT HAPPENS TO ME, TOO SO SHUT UP! HONESTLY, IT’S NOTHING YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT! YEAH, IT SUCKS, BUT STOP MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!”

“Then tell me.” I couldn’t believe it. She’d stopped yelling. Now I was pissed, and I wanted to keep yelling.

“HONESTLY, RYAN! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? REALLY IS IT? THE MORE YOU KNOW THE MORE SCARED YOU WILL GET!” I was still in her face. Her big brown eyes started filling up with tears. They dropped on to her cheeks and my anger faded. I was scaring her now, not the power she held. I sighed and brought a chair up to her. I wiped the tears off, but more came. I decided to give up and take her hands in mine. She sniffled and looked at me.

“I’m sorry.” I told her. She kept staring at me. I shut my eyes and rolled them. She would never know. I opened my eyes to find her leaned closer.

“I just want to know things, Tyler. It’s not everyday you go around seeing dead people before they die.” If only she knew. Knew that every time I go outside I see a dead person, people I know. It’s scary and it had only just begun for her.

“Well…I would love to tell you everything about this…” I looked at her hopeful face, “But I cant.” Her face drooped. It was sad to look at, but adorable at the same time. She was so pretty. Had it just been yesterday that I told myself I would never kiss Ryan, never hold hands with her, and absolutely never sit in her house? So much had happened in so little time that it was hard to concentrate.

“Why?” She asked innocently. I shook my head in a sad way.

“Well, why don’t we get you some food first, and I’ll take you to my house so I can explain. My dad is better at this then I am.”

“Your dad?” She looked terrified. I knew that look; mostly everybody knew how pushy my dad was. I heard her audible gulp, and her hands gripped mine tighter.

“Maybe… Maybe that’s not the best idea?”

She laughed shakily. “Maybe not. I just don’t know what I’m going to do tonight. I’m terrified.” How did she have this much power over me? She batted her eyelashes sweetly, looking perplexed. I growled angrily and she smiled; a real smile this time. That made the anger stop and I pulled our hands apart, tickling her in the side. She laughed out loud and stood up, knocking her chair over. I stood and she started running into the kitchen, looking over her shoulder. Maybe this wouldn’t be all bad. Over the course of the day, I’d forgotten how playful she could be. I chased her into the kitchen, and she screamed with laughter, sprinting up her stairs. I followed, snapping at her heels. She ran into her bedroom, slamming the door, just as I caught it with my shoulder. I pushed it open and she ran to her bed. I chased her around it, and she jumped up onto the bed, wrinkling her sheets. I bumped into the futon, knocking her phone over. We both looked at it in shock, her eyes wide and her mouth popping open in a surprised “O”. I took advantage of her distraction, leaping onto the bed, knocking her over, and tickling her mercilessly. She let out a couple of good shrieks and writhed unceasingly. I continued the tickle-torture until we were both out of breath from laughing so hard.

I flopped on the bed next to her and looked at her looking at me. We both looked away.

“Fine,” I said, when I’d gotten my breath back. “I’ll stay the night so you won’t be scared.”

“Yes!” she squealed, rolling over to give me a big hug. I nestled my face in her hair.

No, I don’t think this would be all that bad.

______________________________

TADA


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80 Reviews


Points: 1117
Reviews: 80

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Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:30 am
JosephDean says...



Lol, even without the stars, I can tell where the writer changes :P

This is still really great =D




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Points: 890
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Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:43 am
lollipop89281 says...



I absoulutley loooooooooooooove this! Keep writing! All i found was a misspelled word, "allowed" not "aloud". Send the next story to me if u can. I loooove it dont stop!




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Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:50 pm
PandyBear528 says...



haha, thank you! But what i do want to say about the long confusing sentence thing, it is suppose to be confusing! Because Tyler is confused himself! Haha. The whol part where you were like "Everyone can see, right?" thats true, but it is suppose to be italics. Haha, Its kind of like in the convenant they say 'use' as in using powers. he says 'see' as in his power. lol Sorry for the confusion, i cant get italics to work!




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1162 Reviews


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Tue Dec 02, 2008 1:23 am
Carlito wrote a review...



PandyBear528 wrote: I rounded the corner and walked up the path to my house. I opened the door, blinking quickly at the sunlight that poured into my open windows. My mom was sitting in a small chair, sipping tea and reading ((the)) newspaper. I went to sit next to her. She took one look at my face and set ((sat))everything down.


PandyBear528 wrote:“Nothing,” I said, lying through my teeth. ((new paragraph here))She knew.
“Tell me, or you’re grounded.”

Whoa, grounded for not telling your mom something? :shock:

PandyBear528 wrote:“You’re not telling me the truth.” ((new paragraph here))I think she knew what she could be, and used it against me. Ugh. ((That didn't make sense to me))
“Fine. You caught me. You remember me talking about Ryan Vansant?” ((new paragraph here))Her eyes widened for a minute, then they started to glow with happiness.
“Oh that sweet girl? I just love her. Is everything okay with her?” She asked. ((new paragraph here))[s]Right then[/s] my older brother, Seth, came walking in with his boxers on. He thought he was so cool. (("Isn't Ryan..." put this sentence here and start a new paragraph after that sentence.))
“Isn’t Ryan the one you like, drool over in the hallway?” I picked up the picture sitting next to me and threw it at him. Hard. He ducked just in time.
“Jeez, cant ask a question around here, can I?” ((new paragraph here))I glared at him. Ryan wasn’t the girl I drooled over. She was my soul mate. I knew it was right. It had to be. Well, maybe she wasn’t mine so much anymore. If I hadn’t been what I happened to be at the particular moment, and happened to be just a normal person, then perhaps things would happen to work out and I would happen to be a little happier.* Or something…like that…? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m in love with Ryan Vansant and I am not aloud to be.

*: This is a really long sentence and it's kind of confusing. I had to read it twice to get what it was saying. My vote is to take out the entire first part because it's kind of circular and repetitive. I would make it something like this: 'If I had happened to be a normal person, instead of (enter what he is), then perhaps things would happen......((the rest is fine))'

Here's the rule on the paragraph thing. When to start a new one and when not to for future reference.
The main problem here is with dialogue and then either action or description. Let's say Tyler is saying something, you can put whatever else you want in the paragraph as long as it has to do with Tyler. You start a new paragraph when the person talking, the person doing action, or what is being described changes.
For example:
Good - "Jason is a douche and I want to go out with Ryan." Tyler said animatedly to his friend. He clenched his fists and thought about how much he hated Jason for all he had done to Ryan, it wasn't fair to her.
This is okay because Tyler is talking and then the rest of the paragraph is about Tyler.
Bad - "Jason is a douche and I want to go out with Ryan." Tyler said animatedly to his friend. The friend stared blankly back, clearly not paying attention.
This is bad because the paragraph is about Tyler and then it switches to being about his friend.

This is all typically, it could be different in some situations I think.
Hopefully that made sense! PM me if you want a clarification :)

For now on if I see a problem with new paragraphs I'm just going to underline the area that would start the paragraph.

Back to the review! :D

PandyBear528 wrote:“No you cant. Now get out.” He shrugged and walked off to the game room. I relaxed a little after he was gone.
“What were you saying, honey?” I looked at her again.
“Mom…Ryan can uh…she can..”—sigh— ((I sighed.)) “Ryan can—” My dad walked in. No way would I let him know someone outside of the Redmond Family could see ((See?)). He would get suspicious and wouldn’t stop puncturing her ((what?)). Heck! She didn’t even know she had it. I felt sorry for her. She must be traumatized. Dad just stopped in the doorway and stood.

How could you not know you could See things? That part didn't really make sense to me.

PandyBear528 wrote:“What is it, Tyler?” My mom asked. I had to cover this up. [s]The I got an idea.[/s]
“Ryan can’t stop crying. Her mom was diagnosed with cancer. She is dying.” Okay, so it wasn’t technically a lie. Her mom had died from cancer. Two years ago, that is. ((cancer two years ago)) Whenever someone asked her about her mom she just told them that her mom was in Italy working.
“Oh sweety…give her my remorse. Tell her she is in our prayers.” I nodded my head, dismissing myself away. I walked up into my room, when my phone started to vibrate in my pocket. It was lit up with a name that always made me smile. Ryan.


PandyBear528 wrote:“Tyler… something happened when I was walking home.” Damn it! I knew I shouldn’t have let her go home by herself! She had been so upset her Gift must have kicked in. I knew it was partly my fault. I had lost my composure when I saw Jason get hit by that car, I’d lost it. I saw things like that happen all the time. That was just part of who I was. But I hadn’t been expecting it and I was just caught up in the moment. I shouldn’t have lost it. After she knew I knew, but refused to ‘fess up, she’s lost it too. And while she was sobbing “Liar!” to my face, I’d offered to walk her home. I should’ve ((not a word :), should have)) insisted more.


PandyBear528 wrote:“I saw him again. Tyler, I know you saw him get hit by that car. I know you did. I don’t know why you won’t tell me what’s going on, but I need to know, Tyler. Please, I’m scared.” The last sentence was whispered. She had me. How could I say no to her? I hated that!


PandyBear528 wrote:“Uh…when did you get up here?” He shrugged.((This and the "what's the matter..." is in the same paragraph.))
“What’s the matter? What’s going on Tyler?” I shook my head. Jeez, lying was so hard.
“You see, she called me because some freak has been following her home. I don’t want her to worry so I’m going to go over to her house.” My dad narrowed his eyes at me.


PandyBear528 wrote:As I went running down the stairs I bumped into Anna Marie, my younger sister of age fifteen. ((my fifteen year old sister)) Ahh, the joys of having a fifteen year old ((younger)) sister who just got her braces off, thought she was super hott and had the most amazing boyfriend. In her words of course.


PandyBear528 wrote:“Get out of mine.” I said back. She looked up at me. Okay, she wasn’t hott, she was my sister, but she had that pure beauty. It wasn’t super model pretty but, soft, young beauty. She had long blond, curly hair with big green eyes. I actually started to think I was the ugly one of the family. I looked down a smiled. I kissed her forehead, ignoring her groan with annoyance.


PandyBear528 wrote:“Whatever,” she said, rolling her eyes and continuing to march up the stairs. I shrugged past her, walking down the stairs. I ran through the door, ignoring my mom’s “Where are you…” and entered back into the day. I didn’t know what time to get to Ryan’s house, but I thought I should go now. Besides, I had to get out of my house. I walked down my steps and numbly walked to the park. I sat down and thought.

I didn't like the way it flowed from 'entered back into the day' to '...thought I should go now'. It didn't make complete sense to me.

PandyBear528 wrote:Ryan has the gift ((Gift?)).


PandyBear528 wrote:I had my answer. I would tell her, and help her. I knew we would not be able to do it here, someone might here, mainly my father. We were going to have to run. I thought of everything I’d done to make myself welcome here, everything my family had done to be inconspicuous. Was I willing to risk that all for a girl?
Again, I had my answer.
Yes.
Ryan was the one I was meant to be with, unfortunately, and I’d known it sense I’d met her. I’d known that I was going to have to screw up my entire life, but in the end, it would all be worth it.
I hoped.
I noticed it was getting dark so I started to walk to Ryan’s house, taking slow steps to prolong my obvious job. When I got to her house, I pressed against the doorbell. She didn’t answer after fifteen jabs. Was she seriously expecting me to ring the doorbell a million times?
“Ryan! Answer the door!” She came to the door after I’d been banging and ringing for about three minutes. She looked awful.
There were dark rings around her eyes and her face was drawn and pale. I went into her house and hugged her tightly. She crumpled into my arms.

Good! :D

PandyBear528 wrote:“Ryan, it’s ok, it’ll be ok. I’m here; it’s all ok.” She stood slowly and walked back into her dining room without a word. I followed just as silently. ((word and I followed just as silently.))


PandyBear528 wrote:That somehow set her off. “NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?!”
“Ryan, Ryan… I didn’t mean…”
“NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?! TYLER DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT THIS IS DOING TO ME?!”
“Ryan calm down! Or at least be a little quieter.”
“DON’T YOU DARE! DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! I’M SEEING DEAD PEOPLE BEFORE THEY DIE, TYLER!”
“Ryan!”
“TYLER WHAT IS GOING ON IN ME? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?”
“Why don’t you speak a little louder, Ry? Maybe some people in China can’t hear you.”
She let out a shriek. “TYLER WHAT IS GOING ON?!”
“LET ME EXPLAIN!” I roared, getting fed up with it. I stood up and shouted in her face. “IT HAPPENS TO ME, TOO SO SHUT UP! HONESTLY, IT’S NOTHING YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT! YEAH, IT SUCKS, BUT STOP MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!”
“Then tell me.” I couldn’t believe it. She’d stopped yelling. Now I was pissed, and I wanted to keep yelling.
“HONESTLY, RYAN! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? REALLY IS IT? THE MORE YOU KNOW THE MORE SCARED YOU WILL GET!” I was still in her face. Her big brown eyes started filling up with tears. They dropped on to her cheeks and my anger faded. I was scaring her now, not the power she held. I sighed and brought a chair up to her. I wiped the tears off, but more came. I decided to give up and take her hands in mine. She sniffled and looked at me.

None of this should be in all caps. I know you're giving the impression that they're yelling at each other but by simply saying 'Ryan shouted' or something with and exclamation mark it has the same effect and looks more professional. (Only one exclamation mark though :))

PandyBear528 wrote:“I just want to know things, Tyler. It’s not everyday you go around seeing dead people before they die.” If only she knew. Knew that every time I go outside I see a dead person, people I know. It’s scary and it had only just begun for her.
“Well…I would love to tell you everything about this…” I looked at her hopeful face, “But I cant.” Her face drooped. It was sad to look at, but adorable at the same time. She was so pretty. Had it just been yesterday that I told myself I would never kiss Ryan, never hold hands with her, and absolutely never sit in her house? So much had happened in so little time that it was hard to concentrate.
“Why?” She asked innocently. I shook my head in a sad way.


PandyBear528 wrote:“Your dad?” She looked terrified. I knew that look; mostly everybody knew how pushy my dad was. I heard her audible gulp, and her hands gripped mine tighter.


She laughed shakily. “Maybe not. I just don’t know what I’m going to do tonight. I’m terrified.” How did she have this much power over me? She batted her eyelashes sweetly, looking perplexed. I growled ((he growled at her? Do you mean his stomach?)) angrily and she smiled; a real smile this time. That made the anger stop and I pulled our hands apart, tickling her in the side. She laughed out loud and stood up, knocking her chair over. [/quote]


Again, overall it's very good, plot wise and character wise and everything. It's just that silly stuff like grammar that holds it back :)
I liked the little plot twist that now its kind of supernatural with the whole 'Seeing' thing :)

Nice work ladies! Let me know when the next chapter is up! :D

-Carly





I don't have much knowledge about marsupials.
— ForeverYoung