Young Writers Society

Hello there, Pandorax, and welcome to YWS!

Spelling and grammar:

This is very possibly simply poetic licence, but Cosmos cannot be birthed 'out of' chaos. Chaos births Cosmos—the 'out of' should not be there, and same goes for 'Out of nothingness, created existence.' What could work is, 'Out of nothingness is/was created existence.' But that birthing needs some work. Even if it is poetic licence, with all this technical, intelligent vocabulary, the twisted grammar takes the poem down a peg or two, y'know?

The metamorphosis is INTO life and consciousness, not IN life and consciousness.

Poeticism:

At the moment, this is just words. It might as well be prose cut into lines with some funny punctuation. Poetry is distilled language. It is to prose what pure cyanide is to a bottle of oleander. So, you need to refine the language with some poetic devices such as assonance, rhyme to emphasise certain words, metaphors and similes. Choose the characteristics of the poem to further strengthen your meaning. This is just a suggestion, but you may even use the typography, the shape of the poem on the page, to reflect the message of the poem.

You are also circulating the same, limited idea in a lot of different ways with many synonyms, over and over. The reader only needs to hear it once, if it is written effectively. Don't let the poem stagnate and mill over the same thing.

Word choice:

Yes, your vocabulary is good. Yes, it gives the poem an intellectual tone. But be careful. This looks too much like the poet just writing fancy words because they can, and they want to impress the reader. Don't overdo it—this is a fine line you're treading! Perhaps you should cut out a few of those synonyms—they're not doing much for the poem.

Imagery:

Hm.... I'm not really seeing anything here. You need to work on separating poetry from prose. Work on manipulating language to suggest more than you are saying. Give colours, textures, tastes, smells, sounds! Allow the reader to poke an expanding nebula or get high on stardust! You have zoomed out too far from your subject and disconnected the readers from it entirely.

Originality:

Admittedly, this is not the first poem that I have read covering this subject. And I am sure that it won't be the last. When you have such a well-traversed topic, you have to do something new with it, tweak it somehow. Here is a Matisse quote to illustrate: "The hardest thing for a creative artist to paint is a rose, because before the artist can paint the rose he must forget about all the roses he's ever seen."

Overall:

A nice poem, but nothing extraordinary. It needs more work to make a lasting impression.

Hmm, its actually a very nice poem. Plain yet complicated. So, this poem is really a nice one. But it sounds king of some paragraph or something as it does not have much poetic touch. It is a poem yes but it needs some rhymes and rhythms. You can work on it actually and get a lot better. Usually when one reads the poem one gets the picture of what the poet wants them to see but in here I am not really so sure. Your vocabulary is good no doubt but in poems like these, big words make them look something complicated. And this one looks scientific. It actually has a lot of meaning and I can see that but that meaning is actually buried deep in the poem(that's how it looks anyway). I really just simply loved the last stanza. And also, you made the poem look ill sorted. Like you know when the stanzas are not divided in a periodic? manner. Your one was 4-1-2-2. You could have tried 2-3-2-3 or a 2-4-2-4 pattern and that would have made it look more better. But anyway do not give up and keep trying and one day you will be successful. I really liked your poem but one has to improve right? So keep trying. And do keep writing!!

Hi there, welcome to Young Writers society! You found a great title for the poem, I like how there's a period at the end of the title too. I feel like there could be a few more lines to this, so that the reader better understands exactly what you're saying, and also just to expand on the whole idea. But I guess sometimes it's better to leave more questions and give the reader plenty of room for some interpretation. My favorite lines were "Out of Chaos, birthed Cosmos../ Out of nothingness, created existence." Great line, it's cool to think about the world for one moment being nothing and then either in God's gift of creation, or through the Big Bang, *poof* the world existed!

I didn't see any spelling mistakes but I don't think "chaos" or "cosmos" needs to be capitalized. Like eyeofthestorm said you "use alot of big words" but, sometimes this isn't effective when it's not painting a relatable image, or idea, because if the reader can't figure out what you're saying then the words are creating a wall instead. Of course I personally think the use of "big" words is fine in this context, but I would like to see more description added so that the reader can further have a visual on what's happening. Especially since the only visual descriptions in the poem were "dark, void, nothingness" and "beauty" which doesn't help me see it at all. What makes it beautiful?

The use of "dot dot dot" was a little overused in this piece, I think of the '...' as kind of like exclamation points when used in moderation they give meaning, maybe expression and add but the more you use them the less they mean.

Thanks for posting, keep writing

~Alliyah~

Hello Panda! (Ha-ha, I like pandas... you can tell because I got "panda" from- well... On with the review, sorry...)
I'm Storm and I'll be reviewing for you today!

Let me start off by saying I really like the concept and the... rawness? of the poem. It seems like it dips into a conceptual feel and isn't pulled all the way out of... well, wherever and whatever inspiration comes from.
Using the words of my wise (but not exactly book-smart) friend, "It has a lot of big words." Although we differ in opinion on what that does to the overall quality of the poem. I really like the intellectual sense, whereas she kind of gets confused by them.
The use of the dot-dot-dot is a part of the aforementioned rawness, but the spacing is a little confusing, to me at least, though you're the poet so it's ultimately your decision.

Well, that's all I've got for now, and thanks for posting, I really liked it.

--eyeofthe Storm