No. It doesn't matter. It won't matter for now. What matters more is your concern for it not mattering and so much complexity over a door and a chair and dark corners and drug dealers and darkness.
This dizzied me a little. So many "and" words that made me forget the point.
But,
You shouldn't put "But" there alone with a comma afterwards and nothing to follow. Maybe, if you wish to put the 'but' there, you should put three periods and go to the next paragraph.
Is there enough thirst? Are you willing to break out of this mediocre state you live in and actually do it? To throw yourself at the next promise of a racing heart or change of scenery? To not stay in the safe haven we've found so many demons in? To betray the people we would lay our lives down for, the same people that have torn#BF0000 "> us to shreds?
-Omit the "us" there.
-This is just me, but I think there are a lot of questions in that paragraph and throughout the piece. It confused me and I simply wished to read some actual sentences at some point, while I read this. They are too many questions that I stopped answering and just waited to see what YOU think about all this. I want to hear YOU.
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Alrighty! Let's talk about this as a whole piece. I understand this is an insight, but honestly? When I finished it, I couldn't see where you were going with this, until I read the last line. There are doors, criminals, drug dealers and chairs in a dark corner. I couldn't understand why you used all those things.
Unfortunately, because you kept using so many metaphors, you lost me somewhere in the beginning of the piece and I never regained my concentration, because you never stopped using those metaphors. Don't be afraid of showing your point of view and simply putting it out for all of us to think about. We're reading this, because we want to know how you're thinking things through. So, just be courageous and tell us what you want to say.
Don't get me wrong, I love metaphors, but they work in reverse when they're over-used.
I think that if you make your point clearer, we'd actually like the piece. Keep practicing- I know insights are a little tricky to deal with.
Points: 4346
Reviews: 71
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