Rated 16+ for violence.
*DISREGARD EVERYTHING YOU READ BEFORE.* This is a completely different version that I ended up finding at the bottom of my locker. Hope this is substantially better the second time round.
"To live with love is my philosophy."
Elise's POV:
As far as I could tell, as I always said, this place had always been a wasteland. The people, however, and not the environment, made the world what it was now: barren, sad, and empty. Of course, I wasn't going to say so aloud; that would only make matters worse on my daughter. And from the expression on her face, we already had enough problems.
"What's the matter, Sasuke?" I asked her, scanning the long desert for some type of movement. Even in hypersensitivity mode, I detected nothing.
She was a quiet girl- well, more taciturn. She felt no inclination to speak to me, and I felt no need to push her. After a few breaths, she spoke. "Let's continue."
She was attempting, and failing, to keep something from me. She wouldn't tell me either/or, which was the biggest clue of all.
"Yes, ma'am." I said nothing further on the subject, being more vigilant than before.
She stopped once more.
"You heard that." It wasn't a question, for she needn't ask one. Of course I heard it- the shuffling of sand as if being kicked about.
"What do you suggest?" I asked, ready to follow her command. That was in my programming, after all.
"Full on." This was her strategy for everything, unfortunately. Attack head on. Sometimes, literally using ones head.
"Yes, ma'am." One would probably wonder why I spoke so formally to my own daughter. That, however, is a side story yet to be explained. But first...
Whoever was approaching became less quiet with their steps; they knew their cover was blown.
"Korai," I called out, loud enough for her only to hear. "They're human."
She relaxed her stance, glancing back at me, just to make sure I was truthful. Turning back in the direction of the noise, she waited.
That alone was probably exhausting for her. I was reading over one hundred degrees, and the humidity was pretty intense. "Korai." She stepped close to me, and I lightly blew on her face, her blood red bangs swaying from her maroon and onyx eyes. I did this for my creator often when a day like this occurred. Instantly, Sasuke looked substantially cooler.
But once the strangers came into view, she was all business again. She narrowed her eyes and I zoomed in.
There were two of them, both male, and both ragged.
And, despite my earlier calculations, both more than human.
Korai, in her own way, sensed this as well.
"And the plan?" I asked her.
"Are they dangerous?"
I paused a moment, surveying them. "No." Maybe it was cyborg's intuition, but I felt no threat. From Korai's face, she agreed.
After another ten minutes or so, we stood a good two yards from each other.
"What do I say?"
"Whatever you want," I told her. "You have the floor."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I appreciate everyone's commentary and will definitely take every piece of advice once I edit this. In truth, this tidbit is actually part of a larger story I'd written down- and recently found the notebook this morning, buried in my locker. Hopefully, after COMPLETELY revising it (it will be VERY different), and using your suggestions, it will be a much better read. I realize that it was lacking in many ways, and I do apologize. But I thank you all for commenting, and hope you comment in the future.
~Panda;;
Hey, Panda, and welcome to YWS!
So, I agree with Hawk that some of this could be clearer. I was confused as to how many characters were present, and we know very little about either of them. Though I like Elise's narrative voice - it's simultaneously sweet and innocent, but knowledgeable because of her robotic state, and you give her a flaw in her desire to be human - we don't get a lot about Korai. As a robot, I'd assume Elise to be particularly keen to observe and report back on those observations, or at least be quick to notice any details about Korai. It's odd, then, that we don't get much more detail.
As a nitpick, italicise rather than capitalise that "never". Your work looks more professional if you do so.
I don't think we get much of Elise's discomfort here, either. If her systems are failing, she must be feeling some inadequacy, and perhaps some form of pain. I don't know how inhuman you want her to be, mainly because this is so vague. There's a lot you could do with the premise from here - as Hawk said, so far all we have are two non-human females out in a deserted place which is possibly a desert. Give us a few more clues about where this is going!
That's all from me, anyway. Keep writing!
- Jet.
Japanese honorifics are unnecessary outside of dialogue, and then in dialogue it is only necessary if they are speaking in Japanese or are Japanese.
You don't need the comma. Just suggestion, you can make this single sentence a paragraph of its own.
Replace question mark with comma, get rid of always, and end with a question mark.
Capitalization isn't necessary. If you want to add emphasis to a word, put it in italics.
Get rid of quotation marks, they are unneeded.
End notes: This is okay story. It's not the worst I've seen on here, but it still has room for lots of improvement. You could possibly add more description to this thing overall. Tell us where they are and give more description of the characters. Is this Elise a robot of some kind? Also, the use of Japanese honorifics is completely unnecessary. It sounds good when spoken in anime and such, but you don't need it in this story.
If you need a review, feel free to ask, I float around YWS most of the day.
Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
I really enjoyed this story and I hope to read more. Keep writing.
Hey Panda, Hawk here for a review!
Okay, so this was super short, which in one way actually makes it harder to critique. I don't have a lot of info to go off of -- I don't know what to picture except that there are two non-human females in a very hot desert-like place. I don't know much about the characters, either, except for the fact that Elise at least seems robotic and Korai has a fringe of red hair. It's interesting enough, but I feel like I'm lacking any sort of definitive grounds. If there's any way you could lengthen this bit, I think it'd definitely benefit the piece. Give a little more dialogue between the two; let us begin to really find out who these "people" are and let us start to take an interest in these characters.
One nitpick I have:
Your reference to Korai as Sasuke is very abrupt and at first I thought Sasuke was a third person. Since you seemed to use the names interchangeably, though, I'm guessing they're the same person. If Korai Sasuke or something is her full name, I'd write it all out when you first mention the name, and that way people will know who you're talking about when you say either Korai or Sasuke.
That's really all I have to say, there wasn't a whole lot for me to critique. I think the start is interesting and intriguing, so please let me know when you post more! Also, feel free to PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work. Cheers! (: