Published August 4, 2010
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Canary word: Present
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141,441 Literary Works • 674,439 Reviews
Your poem is unique and that is what I like about it. I think adding a bit more to it and explaining more about why you can't understand time would make it even better. Although the simplicity of it is nice... so it depends on what feeling you want to leave the reader with. Good job... I liked this =)
Hi Panda326,
Is that it? Very well. Allow me to suggest the following, more condensed version of your poem:
If this was what you're aiming for, then there you go - really saves time, doesn't it?.
Or, you may be hoping that your literature will one day carry some kind of message that doesn't bore the reader and make him wonder why he just wasted ten seconds of his life on nonsense. In that case, flesh this out. You have the beginnings of a conflict; now use it. So you can't tell time. So what? Make this apply to the reader's life by elaborating on why it's driving you insane. Can you perhaps not hold on to cherished memories or your own fleeting emotions? Show us how the pain using imagery, using the senses that allow us to sense the passing of time in the first place. The wearing away of a wooden chair, the passing of leaves stripping a tree down to its pathetic naked core. Show us something, not the meaningless jumble of words.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
I like the way you use the words, simple yet straight to the point...
I like it! It's a short, but good poem.
once again panda I marvel at your writing abilities!!
wow, short sweet and to the point.
very nice! thanks for telling me about it.
if you ever need a review I'm your girl. just let me know!
~Adeera~
Hello Hello Hello... This was good, and also very thought provoking. It is on the shorter side, but it is better to have a good short well written poem, then a long one that gets worse as you try to add more. So all in all, nice work. Keep on writing. If you have any questions PM me =)
NIce work,short and straight to the point.
Keep It UP.