Solider
The day started bright
Filled with hopes and dreams,
But humanities fight
Began with rainy water streams
The heavens cried
That fateful morn
For those who died
When the walls were torn
The sky sparked and cracked
Its loud voice a boom
Like a whip on a prisoners back
It seemed mankind met its doom
But one strong solider
Short and fair
Remained bolder
Standing head on there
His face, unreadable
His voice, stern
His thoughts, reasonable
His emotions burned
He tossed aside humanity
He mercilessly sliced
But he questioned the brutality
Was this all right?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey, PancakeandWaffle. I just came here to review your work as you
commandedof me. I actually don't have much to say about this because I haven't found any fault here. I can't believe it doesn't have more likes. I thought it was beautiful and well written. Sometimes I don't think the people on YWS know what real poetry is. This expressed your feels and was very well put into words. I just overall loved it! Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!~Keepwriting
Aww~ thank you so much, it really means a lot that you thought so highly of it!
Hi Pancake!
It is your internet friend! I will not be much help reviewing this, I normally don't read poetry, but I thought this was a really good piece. I think you worded this perfectly and it really fit the mold of what the life of a solider is like. My only comment is that I liked how you described his apperance breifly, but I also think it would be cool if you wrote a line about his family back at home or something to that nature. I think it would add a personal touch to the poem, and allow the readers to connect with the solider even more than they already have. I loved you questioning society about this topic, and it is nice to here your views on this. This probably did not help at all, I am not very good at reviews, but this was a fun read, and a change for me. Keep writing!
Thanks for commenting my internet bud! I'll make sure to mention that the solider is from an anime and include that all of his family is dead if I ever revise this, thanks again!
Dear PancakeandWaffle,
EccentricRose dropped in to be eccentric and review your work. : )
It was awesome! I quite enjoyed reading "Solider" and am a little jealous (but very happy for you!) that you can write so beautifully and deeply. I like how you described to us what it was like to be him.....showed the brutality...the strength of the man. But then you showed us his humanity and his questioning of his morals (which may very well be his true strength). *applauds*
Thank you so much for posting this! Very unique. Good luck to your future writing! I know you will go far.
~Rose
Wow, thanks a bunch! I'm really happy you liked it that much, but there's no need to be jealous it's not that amazing. I'm glad you enjoyed it and found it appealing though, that's what makes this all the more satisfactory, but thank you for reviewing it means a lot. Have a nice day/night!
-Pancake
Your welcome! It was great.
the poem is a very good poem. this is like a ballad you narrated a story through the poem. you said about the weather then started telling about the battlefield. i love the way u described the heroic solidier who sliced dpowm the men. the ending was awsome. i like it. you questioned humanity. you r a great poet and mastered ballad. keep writing. congrats on a good work
Aww~ that's so nice of you to say! This was my first poem so I was a bit nervous but the feed back (only 2 comments) is pretty nice so far and I feel a bit more comfortable with the web sight now. Have a beautiful day!
Hi;
yes, this all was all right! Well, that was to your question in the last line. World and life is surely is a damn thing. (Sorry for my language.)
Well, whatever, so this was your pancake? It was sure tasty.
I have met a lot of this poem, yet you were able to make this away from all the cliche as many as you could. I love it.
Now, one by one:
Keep writing. And welcome to YWS!
I truly hope my words helped ya!
~Nicol
P/s: "The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth."
~~Jean Cocteau
Hi this is Pancake, the one who wrote the poem. I wanted to thank you for going through my little poem and critiquing it so I can later use that information in the future. This poem though was actually from a school project I had to do and we were kind of on a limited word amount to use with our poem to see how much we could describe with the least amount of words and I used the maximum amount. So that's why I was vague on some part, probably should go through it again. Again thanks for going through this to help me grow (I don't know if you care but I forgot to mention that this poem was based on Attack on Titan and the character Levi) okay monologue over.
Seriously, DUDE!
Attack on Titan! (this thing is in my (dusty) watch list. I love the soundtracks (and still putting them in my playlist))
Cool, a school project! (I wished my teacher would give me the same too)
Anyway, the most important thing in my review is show the vivid picture; don't tell it directly!
BTW, you're welcome!
XD
Oh the monologues they're so.....monologue-y (is that even a word?). Anyway Attack on Titan is pretty good and the soundtracks are magical! If you're interested go take a look at it, it's kind of a love hate thing you love it or you hate it. Waffle is a little nervous about writing for to the public though(plus we need to go and get more points) but I think she'll come out soon enough, she still needs to be cooked before she's willing to offer a taste though, my friend. I will make sure to use your advice in general when I write from now on, hope we can please you with our appetizers in the future!
I'm glad...(I said I'm listening the this attack of titan soundtracks already! They are truly magical!)