Published April 27, 2015
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I'm being pulled apart
left says that I don't want you
right screams that I need you
I'm going to burst
but you broke me
and then you made me shine
and then you told me it was okay
and you let me believe it
define 'okay'.
how was any of it 'okay'?
you told me that you weren't happy
and I can't fix it this time
and there's a part of me
it tells me to tell you
just how full of shit you are
but I have a hole in my heart
where you used to reside
I need my soul back
and I think
I'm going to burst.
I'm really going to burst.
note: i'm not looking for reviews, not really. I'm not going to be changing anything. I just need someone to read this and relate. Just so I'm not the only one.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,620 Literary Works • 672,052 Reviews
Hi Pan,
Congratulations on having the oldest poem in the Green Room currently. I read your authors note at the bottom, you don't really want reviews, so I'm not going to write about how to improve this poem in particular. Instead, I'll give you a literary analysis sort of thing which I hope you'll appreciate.
This poem is somewhere between a rhyming rap and a plea for something to change. It's an honest look at how things need to change if the situation is going to improve, ever. Because of that, I think it has some really strong points. You work well with the honest word. What I mean by that is you're not using flourishy words that don't sound like they're from your era or your vocabulary. You're sticking to the words you know and you're using the words of the modern person rather than trying to make this all flowery or totally dark and gruesome. I like that about your poem.
Another thing I really like about it is that you try to stay really personal. You're exploring things in a way which shows your personal relationship to the people you're writing about. I would like to say that I am of the camp that you don't write about yourself, but write about the memory of how you think it was if you write anything that's confessional or otherwise, so I don't take this as talking about you even if you admit that it is talking about you, but talking about the character of how you see yourself and the relationships to yourself and other people. I like to keep that distance between myself and my poetry so that I can work with it still and continue to improve it beyond writing about something I have done and only being able to say it one way. Every time you remember something, you're re-inventing that memory, in my opinion, so every time you talk about something that's happened, it has the potential to be a new unique poem.
I would encourage you, on the back of that, to keep writing, and keep reading. I think you would really like Sylvia Plath. She writes really dark poems, but I think they would give you something to balance your art with your emotion and potentially give you someone who you feel can relate. Another great one for love lost is Poe, even though his poetry is mostly, if not completely, written strictly for the audience and not much is about personal experiences. The more you read, the more you can balance you writing with what's already out there, and the better it will get. I hope this gives you something to do with writing poetry in the future.
Haha thanks <3 and I do like Poe, even though my phone corrected that to pie.
Powerful stuff here. Sorry, can't relate to this but I can say
this was really moving. The minimal use of strong words really
made this poem work and gave it a really grey atmosphere.
The last two sentences where you did use a period is a really
small thing but it actually made a big difference. It gave the sentences
a more staunch meaning and it makes the reader realise what they're reading.
I like this piece of work, it's filled with raw emotion that a lot of people
will be able to connect to and that's the awesome thing about your poem. I
really hope you can find your deserved empathy and that you can
keep writing truthful things just like this.
-Jumana x
Powerful stuff here. Sorry, can't relate to this but I can say
this was really moving. The minimal use of strong words really
made this poem work and gave it a really grey atmosphere.
The last two sentences where you did use a period is a really
small thing but it actually made a big difference. It gave the sentences
a more staunch meaning and it makes the reader realise what they're reading.
I like this piece of work, it's filled with raw emotion that a lot of people
will be able to connect to and that's the awesome thing about your poem. I
really hope you can find your deserved empathy and that you can
keep writing truthful things just like this.
-Jumana x
Im not here to review (much) But im more here to say that this is really relateable. my last relationship my boyfriend kissed his best friend. Haven't talked to either of them in forever. Cried my heart out that night I saw the pictures. But this is a beautiful poem and it makes the pain of it lift itself. If this is based on your own experiences I hope that you know that it only hurts for a short while.
ON my reviewing side I think capitals at the beginning of every stanza would work better