My father once told me,
'some days are coals,
and some days are diamonds.
you just have to keep on breathing until the next day comes through'.
fret not, you'll once again see the beauty of dawn,
and that alone melts away any of the awful thoughts that could ever cloud your mind
just breathe
in, out, in, out. Relax.
You're going to be okay.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hey Pan! Sorry your birthday wasn't great - though hopefully your poem allowed your process some of it?
Well, I'll see what I can say as far as reviewing:
I genuinely like this concept of days being coals or diamonds - and breathing through the coal to get to the diamonds. I mean that's such a unique metaphor, and is poetry itself. My main piece of criticism is I'd love to see this developed more, weave a story in here - why is this concept important to the narrator? What "coal" are they going through to get to the good? I think fleshing out some of those specifics would go a long way in making this poem easier for a reader to connect with.
In the 4th line, the flow would be improved if you omitted the word "though".
And in the following two lines you might have a few unnecessary words in there too - which end up hurting the flow and comprehension of the piece.
One area I'd specifically like to see some development in is in line 6 the speaker talks about "awful thoughts" which is just a bit more specific than "bad stuff" -- give us some specificity in there, what is the speaker struggling with? Here's the rest of my thoughts on specificity in poetry if you want some ideas about how to add more to your piece: Specificity in Poetry.
Another suggestion is you could even incorporate some lines in between the description of breathing for instance;
I think you've got a great concept here, just would love to see a bit more depth to it!
Let me know if you had any questions about my review.
~alliyah
First of all, thank you for your review! This was my first peice published after a long break! I understand it should be a bit more specific, though that wasn't really what I was going for. I can be pushed further but I'm not very poetic, not do I think any of my previous works were any good. Theres still a lot I can learn and I definitely will try to work some of your tips into my next attempt at a work! Thank you again!
...also i was not sober when this was written, as it was technically my 21st birthday so you could assume what I had done that night.
HEYOOO!!!! I am Liz, and I will attempt to write a review.
First off...
"in, out, in, out. Relax.
You're going to be okay."
I loved this part, because it shows the idea of how to relax yourself, and telling yourself that you will be okay....
That is really good...
Homestly, I didnt see much wrong wit this, it was so good.
My favorite part was....
"My father once told me,
'some days are coals,
and some days are diamonds.
you just have to keep on breathing until the next day comes through'.
fret not, you'll once again see the beauty of dawn,
and that alone melts away any of the awful thoughts that could ever cloud your mind"
You did so well, I hope to write more, because this was amazing!!!
Thank you!