*I think I've found something I'm really comfortable with. This is a lyrical narrative. Narrative in theory but with lyrical tones. I bet it's not something commonly done before. Ermm....Longfellow or Tennyson might have been close. Well, hurrah for me.*
When Last I saw the Fisher
When last I saw the fisher, I
Could hardly hear the river.
And the fisher,
He sang
And I could not look him in the eye.
Into the last wintry morn,
I fell in the rise, I rang
Blooms and sat near the mist-coloured brook
Near the way the water-bearers took,
Where the berry-pile forms, torn
From the bushes below the blue hill.
I cannot forget the look
Inside the old man’s eye
Until
Myself I see the boatman cross
Slowly, where the water does not toss
Into the waters where all fires die.
The hill from which the star and brook erupt
Gushing,
Stands as destiny’s spear to disrupt
The blue sky hushing
The berries, bushes and rubble when it shakes.
The fisher takes
An urn to the river’s line
To set it down and let it upturn
To spill
The sand, sun-numbered and fine.
With it from the urn
Came a voice that still
Remembers.
All the timbers,
The timbers spasm and leaves curl
As the winds cheat and hurl
The dust on the sky and river.
It spake: “Fisher,
Come to Cumae, where
The old are healed.
I have kneeled
And studied coming dawns. There is nothing there.”
The star above replied:
“The wind is your guide
The berry falls in the sand
And the grains are wetted
By the fruit. This has been planned
And yet you have dreaded.”
The hill stands unashamed and proud,
The sand sifts into the delta and cloud.
The river progresses,
The boat returns, the star regresses.
The fisher sits soft
On his river-moss throne
And the fishing rod is aloft,
The hook in waters alone.
He sits among the reeds and grasses
While the toad on the rock takes its dive.
He says:
“I choose to be alive.”
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Ah, okay - that makes things clearer. I've read parts of The Waste Land and I had read the translation of the epigraph but didn't make the connection.
So would you say that, in this case, your leaning (in content) to a more T.S. Eliot form? Heavy with allusions to other works, etc. Or the more original epics such as Virgil or the Fisher King of the grail legends?
Also, Wheel of Time - The Fisher, your sig.
Beautiful!!
Thanks awfully for your comments. They're well taken as I'm still searching for my groove.
Lil: The rythm was well, non-existant. I was trying to use intelligent line-breaks.....like you know, intelligent ACs and fridges. One guy who did this well was Frost. I was trying to do what he did in 'After Apple Picking'. You'll find that every word has a rhyme. However, Mad caught some places where Frost outdid me.
Mad: I'm happy that someone could appreciate the use of mythology. You're right about the Fisher King and the boatman of the Styx. Also, the voice was the Cumaean Sibyl:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cumaean_Sibyl
She asked Apollo to grant her as many years as the grains of sand in her hand. But like Tithonus, she forgot to ask for youth and grew so old that she ended up as a voice and was kept in an urn (hence, the sand is sun-numbered). The fisher and the Sibyl have been used together before in T. S. Eliot's The Waste Land. Read it if y'like. I'm talking too much.
Cassandra and Eden: Always nice to hear. I do know that it sounds crude, but it's an experiment.
One thing I didn't really like about this poem was its rhythm...it kinda threw me off. But I think it's a great piece of work, it's very unique and original. It just needs some improving...
So, keep up, and don't give up..
I quite liked it.
The narrative moved forward rhythmically, everything was nicely phrased and had a good ring to it.
The boatman, star and the voice are difficult to understand. The Boatman who ferries people across the styx? That's what I thought but there isn't anything that would definitely confirm that. So while the mystery in itself is good and I wouldn't like their characters and significance to be plainly or overly stated, I feel some additional description would be useful for the reader. An indication to whether they are benevolent or malignant.
The boatman, has the "waters where all fires die" (It's set by a river, yet there is only this small one line mention, which is why I'm confused. Is the boatman coming, in which case the river setting is this river described or going, or is it merely a reference to where he originates?). The star leaves me unsure as to it's character or purpose. The voice has the events surrounding it's coming but then I don't exactly know the purpose to what he says.
I suppose that all would stem from the fact that this probably makes allusions to other work, which I'm not sure about. (The Fisher, The Fisher King?). So if that is true, are there any works that I could read for reference? Or myths?
Otherwise, I liked the rhymes you used. I'm not sure as to whether some of the line breaks are at their most effective.
Here for example it feels like the line break is solely to accommodate the rhyme, which also hinders the flow of the stanza.
(Not too sure what you're trying to say here.)
Very nice, musical and some of my criticism may be unfounded as they're based on a lack of understanding.
Wow, so I really do like this one! It was one of those "Grah! Tell me more!" moments. I like the air of both mythology and reality all intertwined.
The flow is a little sketchy at a few points, but it sounds good nonetheless!
Cheers!
~Eden
This was really beautiful. I'm totally impressed. If there are any mistakes, I didn't pick up on them (maybe because I'm in class and could be caught on here at any moment.)
I found it intriguing and haunting and I really like your style.