At the Gates of Babylon
At the gates of Babylon, in days long done and gone,
In the land between the rivers, where the noble city quivers,
The skeleton comes a-riding, with me in close pursuit,
To charge the Gates and settle fates and pride and glory loot.
No gate is closed to Destiny; no kingdom is long sealed,
No wonder stands forever, however long it took to build.
And when the kings and nobles kneeled,
A people had been killed.
But at the Gates of Babylon,
Where hanging gardens break and fall,
Where fires blaze in tower and hall,
The riders travel slowly, but at times break to a charge,
There the hooves shall shatter gates, however strong or large.
At the Gates of Babylon, through which the ages rush,
That very rush has brought, today, the city to a hush.
O Tides of Time, you give but why take?
For pride, for envy, for glory’s sake?
Or is it to turn this mighty wheel that churns the globe around?
How bear you the sight of corpses piled in great and bloody mound?
O, how the mighty bend and fall!
And up to your Highness slowly crawl.
And Babylon’s children are today
Shrouded in shadow of pale, pale grey.
Give them back, O boundless tide,
Those innocents you swept aside.
Give them back, O Tides of Time,
I challenge you to speak their crime.
At Ishtar then was justice lost?
Why silent when I need you most?
Must you enshroud us one and all?
Is even He in your dark thrall?
Why else is He so silent now,
Unless your silence on His brow?
O, at the Gates of Babylon,
Where gates are thrust through oblivion.
And where the Gates enter other Gates,
They crumble under the will of Fates.
Return, return, mighty race of Gilgamesh.
Return, Hammurabi, to rule in flesh.
Or shall we too fall at Babylon,
The very Gates of Oblivion?
*I think this was written around 3-4 months ago. All feedback is welcomed*
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I love the theme, however, since you put a sustained effort into maintaining a rhyme scheme, the lack /irregularity of the meter detracts noticeably from the work. There are some stanzas that are better in this respect than others, particularly toward the end-the beginning is the most jarring.
For instance, your
Give them back, O boundless tide,
Those innocents you have swept aside.
Give them back, O Tides of Time,
I challenge you to speak their crime.
could easily be changed to
Give them back, O boundless tide,
Those innocents you swept aside.
Give them back, O Tides of Time,
I challenge you to speak their crime.
with the removal of a single word. It is fine to alter the meter between stanzas, and within a stanza, as this one is 3,4; 4,4. The patterns and rhythms are what are structurally important.
Additionally, you started with internal alliteration at the beginning, then lost it, which is equally jarring. Keep to a pattern, and don't try to overdo rhyming just because your mind keeps coming up with them.
At the gates of Babylon, in days long done and gone,
In the land between the rivers, where the noble city quivers,
The skeleton comes a-riding, with me in close pursuit,
To charge the Gates and settle fates and pride and glory loot.
Despite all of that, I particularly like the imagery of a militaristic Time, conquering all. Good theme!
Inexorable waves
Of thundering Time
Turn unwritten pages
Without a single rhyme
You're probably going to hear this a lot, but I really liked this. I'm not a poetry critic, so I can't really give you 'feedback.' but I can just say that I really liked this. The imagery was really vivid and just so gritty. Absolutely gorgeous.
~GryphonFledgling