Published January 31, 2008
Under the Bridges
I wept my way to a wonderland
And at the gates took a weary stand.
Those children lost that came behind,
I sang to them of masters blind
And they passed away, forever away
And the silent gates with chains I bind.
I’ll measure moments till that distant day
When those children turn back down the way.
Lit are the wind-caped skies by bolts
When light from darkling cloud revolts
But our tales, our tales don’t end this way,
Scattered like the spring-pricked cloud
Down like rain, from branches bowed
Autumn’s ill-chanced just born leaves
Shall fall away, all fall away.
There would be a road under the bridge,
But not anymore, no more, no more.
There would be some upon the span
That I may see from underneath,
Lain on the grass, lain on the heath.
And I look up through the road above
And see little feet all passing by
Like from the earth, clouds pass on high.
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I liked this poem. The flow was good, it rhymed but not to an exaggerated, silly extent. Very good rhythm! I just love this line:
Autumn’s ill-chanced just born leaves
Shall fall away, all fall away.
I think it's good. Although, I was wondering if you mean "wind-capped sky" in stanza two.
I quite like this style, it sounds a little...old, it's nice. I also like how you used repetition - "passed away, forever away", and "lain on the grass, lain on the heath". The only place I don't like the repetition is here - "But not anymore, no more, no more", it's just one too many for me there. The rhyming scheme is inconsistent, but I like it all the same.
I agree with Muse. The first stanza had a great rhyme scheme going there, but come second stanza, it all goes up in smoke.
Oh no, metaphors? Umm... Subtle? Ugh... I really can't help you there. It's not because there isn't one, I believe you, but I'm not too good at interpreting poems. I tend to take them at face value. My English teacher hates me for that...
But I did like your language. I'm not a poetry critic, but besides your shaky rhyme scheme, I did like the words and images you chose. They are very vivid. Excellent work there.
Good luck with this and I'm so sorry I couldn't be of hugely constructive use.
~GryphonFledgling
The rhyme scheme is a bit temperamental. I thought you had established one in the first stanza, but it didnt remain constant like i thought it might. For instance, in the 2nd stanza the word "leaves" just doesnt fit in anywhere. And in the third stanza, the word "span". I just feel that without a distinct rhyming scheme the rhythm of the poem is quite restricted. It doesnt flow as well as it could do, in my opinion. Also, there might be too much repetition of the word "way", "away"....hmmm i dont know.
Im USELESS on metaphors, my brain just cannot work things out which aren't black and white, so i dont think i'll even guess what it's about. Its great that you're trying new things though. Keep it up x