It helps us to remember,
That sometimes when we're broken,
We can peice ourselves together,
And forget what has been spoken.
Dawnless words, senseless birds,
Take hope that our race surpasses.
Unsleeping, yet stark awake,
Dreaming lads and lasses-
It helps us to remember
That nature leaves behind but some,
That us it takes along with her,
On a merry song and sleepy hum.
Why do we think so deeply,
Unless compelled by oceans vast,
And the fallen head or shattered mast,
Reminding that we walk weakly.
For it helps to remember,
That we have gone past humanity.
Your children and your children's children,
May one day learn to remember lovers,
May one day learn the lines of the lips they kiss.
For the sake of tommorow,
To dissect our sorrow,
To learn the insides of our mind,
On fleeting winds to leave behind,
Children our weaknesses are forever weaker,
So in humanness we must be no meeker.
For when we loose our hearts to lads and lasses,
To the summer sun and wine filled glasses,
It serves as remembrance,
That nature must take us past that innocence,
Once ago, we were but human,
But past that there is superhuman.
Cease the lies and cease the farce,
Cease the light and cease the stars,
Leave old days and moldy ways,
For when all is said and done,
Today, I am superhuman.
more importantly, this is an on the spot something that i wanted to say on reading Penguin's 'I am Human'. Not exactly a reply, that's a little harsh.>
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
nice poem i think u did good
Towards the end I felt confused and strangely inspired.
Though you want to keep that theme of "mystery" to some lines you should not overuse it.The poem must flow in such a way that it need not be read over and over to decipher its meaning.When a lay person reads this he might just not understand the meaning behind most lines.Poetry(generally)should be about saying complex things in a simple way.The first and the last stanzas were the only ones in which the ideas were sharp and clear.
Though the ideas thrown around were many,I suppose your central theme involved being more stronger from the inside and discarding all the pity things we often sulk about or loose ourselves in.It was about rising above "being Human" for once.
I hoped this helped.
Firstly: *huggles Ant*... You're a dear for that.
Now: I like it in the way that I understand it, and I find some of the imagery to be lovely.
The problem, I think, is that it seems to go on longer than it should, you have some lovely words, and a good theme, but it gets lost in how much there is. You lose meaning in the middle, and trail towards the end.
I think if you take Suz's advice and perhaps cut it down some, condense and take out all the fill, this could be really great. ^^
I still like it, thank you and keep it up.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
It's hard to say what you think about a poem when you can't understand it. Your poem seems to have beauty, but I can't really tell. I can't understand it. I can only say that you should choose your words wisely, and be concise and clear. Don't just write a line then keep it even if it makes no sense. Besure allyour strings are pulled tight.
This is the only line I could think of to use an example:
For one thing, "dawnless" isn't a word (or at least, Mozilla spell checker says it isn't). I didn't really like this stanza, because I was thinking, "What do birds have to do with our race surpassing... and what are we surpassing?" It's really hard for me to pull out what you are trying to say... I am not sure if it is because your idea is told in a way that I can't understand or it is just a confusing poem. And so I do not know how I could help you fix that. Sorry ^^;
Another thing that really ate at me: your punctuation is without much thought. You just do comma, comma, period. You don't do it grammatically, which really ruins the flow, and could be one of the reasons why I struggle to understand this. For help on that, here is an article I wrote: Poetry & Punctuation.
Hope this helped? Best of luck! If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me.