I keep my head down and keep walking. I just need to keep walking without looking at anyone. From my research, if I look at someone, I could get in some serious trouble. I hear someone quarrelling with another and I turn right to go around them. I don´t want to look at someone, especially if that someone is angry. Suddenly without thought, I look up and look at the man and woman fighting each other. I wish I didn´t.
The man glared at me and snarled. "You got a problem kid?"
My eyes widened and I looked around. What do I do, what do I do?
"There´s no where to run kid, you better stay and fight." He growled and stepped towards me.
I whimper and step back a little. "Please sir- I-" I bump into someone behind me. Oh great, now I´m even in more trouble. I turned around and look at the person I bumped into. It was the woman that was fighting with the man. How did she get behind me? "I am so sorry!" I apologized frantically, my voice rose. "I just-"
The woman shot me a stern look. "Let me handle this, kid." she told me and pushed me aside. "Seems you´re scared of me so you take out your anger out on a little girl. Baka." she snarled at the man and clenched her fists.
I looked in amazement at her. She had guts. I would have thought the women here are wimps. I study her arms. She's got muscles, too. I wonder what her name is. I suddenly zoned back in and looked at the astonished man.
The man looked almost scared, but he quickly covered it up with a stern face. "I didn´t know you could speak Japanese, that´s cool. Not really," He raised an eyebrow.
The woman laughed and crossed her arms. "Dude, it's obviously you don't think that's cool, with the clothes your wearing."
I look at the woman with raised eyebrows. Wow, she´s good with her comebacks. My eyes suddenly turn to the man as he charged the woman.
The woman quickly sidestepped, and tripped him in the process. He fell on the ground, and the woman snickered. I blinked for a second, and a gun appears in her hand. "Say goodbye to whoever or whatever you believe in." she hissed and pointed the gun at his face.
The man looked at her with a scared face, then glared at me. "It´s your fault!" He screamed and charged me.
I quickly shut my eyes and put my hands in front of my face, ready for the blows, but instead I heard a gun shot. I opened my eyes and looked around. The woman was gone, but the man on the ground was dead with a bullet in his head.
(I'm really just way too lazy to change anything else.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi, there! Lefty Here for a review!
I'm very curious to learn more about the main character and how she ended up in this place. With the little bit we learned about her character in this chapter, she seems like a nice, caring person. I want to learn more about her!
Good start to the story, excellent punctuation. Quite good writing as well!
Now, let me talk about tenses. I used to have a lot of trouble with tenses. Like, serious issues, but over time I learned more about it and don't have too much trouble anymore. Your story switches consistently between past tense and present tense. The switch is pretty even so I'm not sure which one you meant to write in, but I assume it was meant to be in first person. Here are some examples
Said (Past tense) - Says (Present tense)
Looked (Past tense) - Looks (Present tense)
Was (Past tense) - Is (Present tense)
Rose (Past tense) - Rises (Present tense) (Rising can be used in both past and present)
Kept (Past tense) - Keep/Keeps (Present tense)
Basically ending in "ed" is past, ending in "s" is present and ending in "ing" can generally work in both. Hopefully that makes a certain amount of sense.
So, I would just say to read over it again and look for the tense changes. Pick which one you want it to be in and fix the words that are the opposite of what you chose. Good start, interesting story. Keep up the good work and keep writing!
Have a nice day,
-Lefty
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
)
Well firstly, I must say I admire this character, this woman who just suddenly came to her rescue. She seems like one of those who would be willing to take a chance with anything, but I actually think that she is protecting this girl for a reason. What that reason is, I don't know yet but I'm sure I'll find out in the near future.
The second thing that I truly just loved about this, was the dramatic ending to this chapter. Man is charging her, gun shot goes off, woman disappears and a bullet is in the man's head. Whoah... it's a lot to take in at first. But it's good for a dramatic beginning so well done. I'm curious to see what happens next, truth be told. Keep me posted if you do indeed post some more of this (well that sounds redundant
The one thing that I've noticed in here, are the grammatical errors. Now having a dramatic flair to it and everything is awesome of course, but they are going to be overridden with all the errors. Let me point out a few for starters.
Here, is a problem that is throughout the entire piece. And it's not surprising really, as nearly everyone makes this mistake, so don't feel bad! There is a problem with your dialogue punctuation. When you go from you dialogue and into your dialogue tag, you can see that you use a period. That's the problem. When going into a dialogue tag, you use a comma and not a period. Just the way of doing things. Here's a link that will explain this particular issue in detail.] It's written by Demeter and she explains it extremely well. Hope it's helpful.
In most cases you got this right, but you messed up a few times so I thought I'd mention it just in case. "Your" should be "you're". Hope this makes sense. ^ ^
Your=means possessive
You're= means "you are"
All throughout this as well there are spots where you change tenses. I'm not going to pull them all out for you, as I think you'll be able to do it yourself, but I would highly suggest you run through and edit them out. Tense changes are something that are really highly confusing to the reader, and take away from the overall beauty of the words.
There are a couple of spots elsewhere, where you mess up with commas, n-dashes and the like, but I won't bother with you those right now. What I would really like to talk to you about is showing and not telling. Now telling is when you're just telling us what has happened, in a step by step process. Like he went and did this, and he felt scared because of it. It's telling us that the person is scared right there, instead of showing. But if we go and describe his reaction to everything, such as you can talk about how his breath quickened and his pupils were dilating and so forth, then we might get the impression that he is in fact scared, without you ever stating the fact. Make sense? You see, one of the main reasons why telling is soo bad is because when you're writing you want to get a reaction out of your readers, and if you just tell them and you don't lead them through the process of what the characters are feeling then they won't be feeling what the characters are feeling. They'll just have a so so reaction, and they won't really care in the end, what the characters are going through. xD I hope that make some sense to you.
One more thing before I close up here. The guy really didn't fight back hard enough. Obviously, you wanted to show that the woman was some sort of Macho lady, and it worked! But in order for the entire thing to take full effect, you need to have it to where the guy fights back hard. I mean, what's the glory in winning a fight when there really isn't a fight?! At least that's how it looked to me. xD Let me know what you think. ^ ^
OK, I think that's it from me for now! Keep going with this, you got it.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks for the review. I'll keep this in mind. Usually the stories I write are better, but I believe I was lazy the day I wrote this. xD
Oh, it's completely understandable. Typos and grammar stuff happen to everyone.
Hey
This was a really good first chapter. I loved everything about it. This seems like something I can really get into. I'm interested in finding out where they are. I think it maybe could have be a little more descriptive, and I feel this chapter could have been longer than what it was. I know its just the first chapter, but I feel it did have enough information,but other than that it was great. I look forward to reading more of this.
Hello
Okay, I'm going to start off and say that this story does have potential. However, you do have to work on a few things to create a better flow to the story.
The storyline is a simple one without a twist or any suspense really, you probably should make it a bit longer to explore the character's more deeply. They all seem very 2D characters at the moment. Also, your writing style is very 'and then and then' so you directly say it without explaining it. So if your character is scared, describe how he looks scared instead of just typing the word sad into a sentence.
Just work on a few things and it would be pretty good ^^
Thanks, really appreciate it.