—---------------Paisleys pov-------------------
My friends turned to me and the music took over their voice. “ Paisley, the mall is right there. We should totally skip school today!” They all looked at me as if looking for approval and suddenly my words got caught in my throat and for the time in forever I actually wanted to say no. My brain was going off script- usually it's just yes, sure, or of course. It's never no. But what would happen if I said no? Would they look at me like I’m crazy or would they agree with me? The words threatened to spill out of my mouth while my brain was yelling at me to shut up- I quickly yelled “ Of course!!!” Before no could slip out. No was never really an option- they didn’t really care about my opinion. Or do they? My thoughts left my brains when my friends laughed, nudging me- “ You're so funny, paisley! I'm so glad we're friends!” I blinked, staring at her as if she had just spoken another language and everything I ever knew left my head and mouth. I laughed awkwardly rubbing the back off my neck and before I could overthink it the words left my haunt that made the color drain from my face. “ Are you actually glad? Or just because I'm popular?” I never even spoke this much to them- usually just a head nod was the most they ever got. No, no, no, no. Paisley what are u doing, what am I doing. I watched my friends head whip around so fast at me, I would have sworn they got whiplash as the thoughts in my head panicked more and more. My breathing started to get heavy but I didn’t show it when I let out a cough. I went to open my mouth to say something. Anything. The silence was killing me. My friends beat me to it- Max “ The leader” Laughed- “ Dang paisley, I didn’t know you could speak. I was getting scared you were mute.” A laugh escaped my lips before I could suppress it and Max smiled, staring at me with an intensity that made my heart do a weird flutter. I broke the contact when Macy started speaking- “ Paisley! Of course, we actually care about you! If you were popular or not we would literally still hang out with you, silly!” She smiled- a real one not like the ones I practice in the mirror. Jack Laughed- “ Nah we would totally feed you to wolves if you weren't popular.” And suddenly my heart felt warm. I smiled laughing once again but this time not for show.
—----------Noahs pov----------
I glanced over at the clock on the kitchen counter to see that a clock was hung up on the wall. 7 o'clock it read. Great, I had 30 minutes to get to school. I looked over at my dad only to see him holding his car keys in his hand, leaned against the front door, his arms crossed and that stupid smirk on his face as he looked at me. I laughed- “ Ok, ok! I'm coming!’ I quickly ran after him when he shouted- “ I’ll beat you!” We got in the car and of course I won. I stuck my tongue out at my dad- “ I won, Jacob” I said emphasizing his name. “Alright kiddo you won” He said softly ruffling my hair. “ Hey now! Your going to mess up my handsome hair. You think I just woke up this, handsome?’ He laughed shaking his head fondly as he cranked up the vehicle backing up out of the driveway and I finally got a look of the outside of the house. My breath caught. Huge was an understatement. “ woah…” I mumbled unconsciously as I stared at the house with amazement. My dad looked over at me- “ Pretty cool, right?” I nodded not even able to speak as I stared at it as long as I could before it disappeared in the distance. I looked ahead of me the silence was filling the car- as both my dad and I was looking around just taking in our surroundings. I looked over at this house and suddenly my house felt small. “ dad…” I began. “ An imposing, two-story luxury villa stands as a monolith of modern architectural opulence. Its entire facade is wrapped in heavily veined white marble. Sharp, geometric blocks stack over one another. Dramatic cantilevers project into the air. Golden LED strip lighting glows along the under-edges of the structure and the grand, tiered marble steps leading up to the main entrance. Massive, seamless glass windows reveal warmly lit interiors. The cold stone contrasts against the fiery, amber light inside. Manicured micro-gardens flank the entryway, adding a touch of nature to the hyper-modern stone monument.” He looked over at me surprise- “ Your such a nerd, knowing all that. You're very smart, kiddo.” I smiled looking back at the house- the curtains were opened and I saw a girl brushing her hair as she looked above at the sunrise… she was breathtaking… stunning… a goddess. She had a glossy skin tone that seemed almost as if she was glowing, the sun was hitting her just right making her look like… I dunno fake? She had brown hair with a casual hint of this amazing color purple that I've never seen before. Her eyes were blue like the ocean… and her lips were a tinted rosy pink as well as her cheeks.. But it looked natural not like the girls who pound themselves in makeup. I couldn't admire her any longer- my phone rang. My dad looked at me- “ who is it, kiddo?” “ Mom.” I responded before answering my worries. I laughed when she picked up wishing me a good day of school.
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140,070 Literary Works • 672,989 Reviews
Hi PageDreamer! i'm back again for the next chapter.
I see Tikaya already mentioned this again, but you really need to stick to new speech on a new line. It's really hard to read without that, and it will show you've actually made some progress from our advice!
I think you mean, the music took over their voices? unless all the friends speak with the same voice XD
Remember, names should have a capital letter!
This whole POV section was very cute. I love Paisley and how awkward she can be, and her inner monologue and character really make the story whole. If you separated this out into paragraphs with new speech on a new line, and maybe provided some more description of the surroundings or what people look like, it would be a very charming scene!
This feels really out of place compared to the rest of your writing. It doesn't feel the same standard of writing as the rest of it to me, and it read as very confusing. Like Noah was just quoting the entire description of a house listing from memory? It's nice writing, but it doesn't feel like your style to me. It would feel more nerdy if NOah knew the history of the house or the area.
I do like the section with his dad, it's a nice relationship!
Good evening!
Oh so relatable. Poor girl. But at least she’s gonna get an answer, one way or another.Okay, remember the paragraphing thing? New speaker, new paragraph. I’m afraid that the story continues to be very hard to read and follow ☹
Hmm I do like that our protagonist’s first instinct is to actually go to school. That she’s pressured into it. I kinda wish we had a better feel of her friends to, to better judge if she’s right or wrong in her thoughts abt them. That she herself isn’t sure of their reaction does tell us something—mainly that apparently they don’t know each other that well. Sounds as if Paisley could really use a real friend!
Hmmm I’m still not sure WHY Paisley is popular. You haven’t really given us much to work with. What specifically made everyone at school think she’s worth paying attention to? What makes her stand out?
HAHAHAHA!!! Oh I like this one!
That said, if they are this agreeable and are telling the truth… I am wondering where the conflict in Paisley’s story will come from?
As for Noah…
Why is he having a monologue about the luxury villa to his dad? I don’t understand the purpose of this dialogue? I mean yeah his dad is impressed but I’m bewildered as to why it is there in the first place xd
Oha now, I wonder who that girl is, Noah saw in the window…