The Secret of the Scarecrows

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was a very intriguing read! I really liked how you managed to gift us with such a great short story in so small an amount of space.

Max seems to be the main character. We don't have a lot of character development here because the story was mainly based on the plot. However from what I can see, Max seems to be a concerned person and a very observant one. It's pity that she didn't realize a bit faster that it was actually the scarecrows playing the trick. If he had realized it, the situation would have been a bit better and perhaps, all those murders wouldn't have been there.

I do wonder bout why Max didn't complain to the police. When there is ambulance service, it's not very uncommon that there should be some sort of police service. And when so many murders were done... I really really wonder about the role of the police in the place. It's highly unlikely that there is no police and if there are police, it's again highly unlikely that the residents didn't file a complaint or a case.

Anyway, I have one critique about the story. I think it needs a bit more emotion and some setting of the atmosphere. See, when so many murders have been committed and it's known, it's quite natural that the people will know and be very afraid and terrorized about the situation. Now if we talk into consideration how Max behaved and casually thought that no more child will come, it seemed very unnatural. As we are not getting to see the feelings and reactions of other people of the village, you have to use Max as the representative of the people of the village and portray the terror.

He didn’t understand what he was afraid of, there was nothing. Or at least, nothing that he could see,

* * *

There were four more attacks before nine o’clock that night.

Hi, Page, this is a fine concept in the Stine tradition, it's shorter than it should be - there's material here for a 5-6K story, and you're compressing it all too insistently. Fine story-material. My editing recommendations are in brackets.

***

The night was dark, there was no moon and fog from the mid day rain still hung low to the ground, reflecting his headlights making it almost impossible for Max to see where he was going. [best break it into two sentences, and maybe have the fog soak up the light or something.]
Was he even on the right street? Why did his uncle have to live in the middle of no were? – [nowhere]

Don’t get me wrong, he thought to himself as he swerved the car around a bend that he had not seen until the last second, I love spending Halloween at his place, but why does his place have to be in no-man’s land. [You can change the borderline psychopath self-dialogue here to narrator/character dialogues, like ‘although he love spending Halloween…’]

His uncles location choice had always kind of worried him, I mean something could go horribly wrong, and no one would know, all the houses are so far apart it would take someone five maybe ten minutes to go next door. [same thing – I’d replace the direct inner monologue with the narrator telling what it is, and to hell with ‘show don’t tell’.]

Max continued down the dark, twisting road when he passed the familiar sign of his uncles corn field. He was almost there, just a few more miles down the road! Max hadn’t seen his uncle in a year, and he was filled to the brim with excitement, nothing could spoil this weekend. Halloween was tomorrow, and he was ready! Max pulled up the driveway. This was where he belonged. Not in the big city, he was home! –fuse ‘he belonged’ and ‘not in the big city’; new sentence – ‘he was home!’

* * *

It was Halloween night and Max was getting ready to hand out candy to all the little tikes. He dressed in his warmest cloths, and set up his table of sweats. - Sweets
He never knew why, but he had never particularly liked [this aspect of] Halloween. He loved the holiday, but he had never enjoyed trick-or-treating. For as long as he could remember he had been handing out candy at his uncles [uncle’s] farm, [New sentence] at first the other parents thought he was being forced to “Why a young boy like you should be out getin’ candy, not givin’ it away” But soon, they got used to the fact that he simply didn’t want to go out. Everyone in the town knew him, he was hard to forget. He was unusually tall, and his piercing blue eyes, [no comma, maybe in ‘people’s heads’, and add ‘making him hard to forget’ and ditching the whole next sentence] made him stick in your head. Not only that, but everyone loved him, no one wanted to forget about him, it was a fact of life.

Max sat in his seat silently waiting for kids, thinking about the past year, and the fact that he needed to spend more time here. He would look up and down the road every now and then to see who was coming, but it was still early, so he was patient.

At about quarter after 6, his first ‘customers’ arrived. A little fairy that lived down the street and her older brother, Spiderman. They left after Max had a short conversation with the parents [mention the parents earlier] about what he had been up to during his year away, he would have liked to talk longer, but the kids were antsy to get more candy. They were followed a little later, by a robot, Cinderella and a dragon! [why the exclamation mark?] More and more kids started to come through out the night, always making him jump because he would never see them coming through the fog. [I’d cut the second half of this sentence, maybe replace the clumsy ‘always making him jump’ with materializing eerily out of the fog or something]

* * *
Just as Max was about to go back in for more candy, he heard a high pitched blood curtailing [curdling] scream. He froze,[two conflicting narratives, maybe ditch ‘he froze’, or make a bridge with ‘and strained his ears’] it sounded like it was coming from Samuel’s farm.

It was probably his daughter Ashley who had been his best friend since they were 3, and who he may have had a small crush on. [incestuous narrative clumsiness, haha, best reword with separate sentences like ‘this was a girl’s voice. Samuel’s daughter, Ashley? Max and her had been …’]
He took off, running down the road and reached their farm in record time. [add a sentence of atmosphere – fog, tripping, blood thumping in ears, etc.]

The first thing he saw [a shape which…], was Ashley lying on the ground [he kneeled down and saw that she was] bleeding from a deep gash in her right arm. Her long blond hair was a mess around her head, and her simple brown eyes were flickering as she attempted to remain conscious. [no boy would notice in this situation that ‘her hair was a mess’, ‘simple’ eyes sounds weird, ‘flickering as she attempts to remain conscious’ makes me think of glowing robot’s eyes:)]

He ran up to her, calling to her “Ashley hold on, help is coming” [he is already near her, otherwise what’s with details like her eyes and hair ]He reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone and dilled 911, and told them to send an ambulance [this is where you start ‘showing not telling’; this is where the situation’s urgency is illustrated by his realtime words] to 426 CORN FIELD DR.

When he reached her, he dropped to his knees, shaking. [he is already near her, unless he went for a walk while making the call] She was still conscious, but [‘appeared to be’ – he’s not a surgeon after all?] losing blood quickly. Without thinking twice, he tore off a piece of his shirt and pressed it into the wound [where is it, anyway?]. It was deep and seemed to have been done by some kind of knife.

Max stayed with her until the ambulance and police showed up. [again this is where you show don’t tell – he waits, he mumbles, he sweats, he think ‘where is the ambulance?’ (where does it come from anyway, is it local, or from a nearby bigger town?) – and then he hears the sirens, and the fog starts flickering in blue and red]

They took her to Idaho State Hospital and he promised to come and see her as soon as he could. [to whom did he promise? And again, you have to describe the scene actually taking place – where will you take her? Idaho state hospital, don’t worry kid – she’ll be fine, etc. Police taking down his info, asking him questions, eyeing him suspiciously – so, you’re new here? Where is his uncle, anyway?]

He walked back to the farm, wishing he had grabbed a flash light. It was pitch black, he couldn’t even see is hand in front of his face. But the thing that scared Max the most was that whoever had hurt Ashley, was [might still be] still out there somewhere. Max was passing the edge of the Thompson’s corn field when he was overcome by the strange feeling that he was being followed. He tried to look over his shoulder, without actually turning around, but not being able to see anything, spun quickly around hoping to catch whoever it was off guard.

But, there was nothing there. [is it still foggy, anyway? Is it dark? Is it early morning by now? You have to keep reminding us how the environment looks as the story progresses] Max looked into the corn stalks, thinking he jumped in, but saw nothing except a scarecrow hanging on his post [on its pole?], nothing unusual. He continued home, trying to calm down, saying [telling himself] he was just over reacting, it was probably nothing, and that he was just being paranoid.

When Max got back to his table, his uncle was there handing out candy to all the kids [so all this took what – half an hour at most so far? You sure of this timeline? Could be – if the ambulance and police are all based very nearby, for some reason] whose parents obviously didn’t know anything about the attack yet.

Max loved his uncle; he was like the loving father he had never had. He embraced his Uncle Pete [ah, finally, a name. Maybe earlier in the story?], and explained all about what had happened as best he could. [if you don’t want to bother with showing the explanation scene, have him say ‘I have to tell you something’ and then do a scene break with two to four asterisks]

Pete said they would go and visit Ashley in the morning, it was getting late and they probably didn’t wasn’t and visitors. Reluctantly, Max agreed to wait until morning, and took over his post. [which post? Why? He still wants to give kids candy after all this? Maybe he just needs time with himself?]

As he sat there, he relived the last 30 minutes in his mind [aha, just a half hour, as I suspected. I dunno..]. He could see it so much more clearly now than when he was actually there. The scattered candy that had been knocked over when she fell, the upturned table that had smashed her first place pumpkin [what’s a first place pumpkin?] to smithereens, and the scarecrow… He didn’t recall seeing a scarecrow standing there when he had gone to say hi to her earlier that morning [what? And this was never mentioned before? Can’t do that – you have to mention it earlier, or even – shudder – show the scene take place], but they could have put it up after he had left.
Sitting there, in the dark of the night, listing to the rustling of the leaves, the wind whistling though the bear [rustling the nearby] branches, Max was suddenly overcome by a sense of fear. He didn’t understand what he was afraid of, there was nothing. Or at least, nothing that he could see,

* * *

There were four more attacks before nine o’clock that night. The one that shocked Max the most was the 3rd attack. It was the little girl dressed as a fairy, who was found lying in a pool of blood, in the middle of a corn field that night. [Narrative falls apart. How does he know? Does he follow the cops and the screams? Is he being updated by the hour on the local radio? Is this what he finds out on the next morning while having his coffee? Or during a town meeting?] She had been stabbed twice, once in the leg, just below the knee, and again in the abdomen. It hurt him to know that for all he knew, he was the last one to see her that night. There was also a very unusual thing in common with all of these attacks; they all had a scarecrow hanging on a post over the victim.

What was going on? Was this some ones [someone’s] signature?
[suddenly, the ominous shape of the scarecrow appeared in his mind]This is absurd, scarecrows don’t carry knives, and they don’t try to kill people. Thought Max. But he couldn’t [have been] be more wrong.

At 9:30, when Max knew he wouldn’t be getting any more kids, he started cleaning up his mess. [good lord, this is still the same evening? And up to this point kids were still trick or treating? And he can bother with the mess instead of clutching an ax and locking the doors?]
As he was folding up the little table, he got the feeling he was being watched. This did not surprise Max as he had this feeling all night long, but this time; somehow, he knew there really was someone behind him. He felt the warm breath of someone, or something breathing down his neck. [where exactly is he at this point? And where is uncle Pete?] But the worst feeling, even worse than his stomach lurch, or his heart stop, was the feeling of straw brushing against his back. He knew, that weather [whether, but it’s actually ‘no matter if’] it was a man with his signature [‘oh no, it’s a man with his signature!’ hihi, nah, ‘a killer of flesh and blood’] or an actual [the scarecrow from his fears] scarecrow standing behind him, that he was next. He wanted to scream, he wanted to yell out for help, but he couldn’t make a peep. [mention somewhere here that he doesn’t dare turn around]

Then came the raspy, scratchy voice. “You are on to us[comma]” it said[comma] “we cannot possibly let you live now you might tell everyone our little secret, and we wouldn’t want that now would we!” Max was shaking with fear, he was [had been] right all along, it was the scarecrows, and now he would die for knowing, and no one would ever find out who did it.
This was by far, the worst Halloween Max had ever spent at his uncles.

He felt the blade hit [press into] his neck, it hovered there while the scarecrow [when did it become a scarecrow?] continued to speak “We cannot risk letting you live, so if you keep quiet and cooperate, this will be quick and clean”
Max had a million thoughts running through his mind. Should he scream run, and what were they going to do to him? He turned quickly around and soon regretted it [because he slit his throat while turning with a knife pressing at his neck?]. He was all alone against 6 big, well stuffed scarecrows, all holding knives. He wouldn’t stand a chance.
But he ran anyway, hoping that the speed that had been there when he went to save Ashley was there now. But it just wasn’t enough. They soon caught up with him and pinned him down. [whoa, whoa, where did this all take place? In the house? In the fields? What about the knife at the neck? Another scene which needs half a page of descriptions]

So running hadn’t worked out, let’s try plan two, he thought. “Wh…wh…what are you going to do to me?” Max [asked with a] shaking [voice].

“Oh,” replied the scarecrow “I don’t think you want to know the answer to that question.”
So plan three, he started [opened his mouth] to scream, but the scarecrows were too quick for him, before he even made a sound they had his mouth stuffed with straw [describe]. He saw it [which one?] coming. He saw it raise the knife, and saw it coming down, closer and closer. It was like his mind was showing him it in slow motion.

Just get it over with he thought. But he wished he hadn’t because in the next moment there was a searing pain as he felt the blade of the knife dig into his neck, then it was dark.

* * *
Ashley was out of the hospital. She was disappointed; Max had never come to see her. She wondered why. By the time she was able to come home it was time to harvest the corn. She walked though the fields, removing the last of the scarecrows, when she came across one she had never noticed before. It looked almost alive. Then she realized why, she knew that face, but it couldn’t be, it was her mind playing tricks of her, she missed Max, that was all, she never got to see him before he left for New York again, and she hadn’t seen his uncle since she returned. But a second look at the scarecrow made her wonder what had attacked her, it felt like a lot of straw, but it couldn’t have been a scarecrow, just like that one can’t be Max. “First of all,” she reassured herself out loud, “humans have hands and feet, not knots of straw and cloth.” She was beginning to feel more confident “and besides” she thought as she pulled the stake out of the ground “it’s stuffed with straw.”