z

Young Writers Society



Found

by Pacific_Sky14


It would mean the world to me if you guys helped me make this better! please review and criticize and rate!

The night is breezy and the starry sky shines over my church. I can feel the wind pass over my shoulders. The middle-schoolers sit by the bonfire cooking marshmallows for s’mores. The summer heat is digging into my body. I imagine others seeing me, the eighth grader on the rock in a bad mood. I'm not though, it's just I'm tired, it's ten at night and I need a breath of cool air.

I walk from the church's backyard to a group leader by the front doors.

"I need to use the restroom." I say. Although it’s a white lie, I might need to do that anyway. I walk inside. The room is full of fresh air. Looking down, I can see my green shorts have clumpy dry dirt stuck all over them. I brush it off.

The voices traveling from another room become louder. A group of highschoolers walk into the lobby and find their way to different sections in the room. People pass me on my way to the restroom, coming from upstairs.

Suddenly the restroom door, now only feet away, slams open, and a big lady rushes out, laughing.

What’s up with her? I think, watching as she turns into a separate hallway. I reach out to finally open the door into the restroom, but something holds it in place, then suddenly pulls it open, and I fly backwards. A little girl in golden pigtails pops out, pinching her nose shut with her fingers. The face only a mother could love.

"Don't go in there! It smells!" she says, and then runs off. I sniff the room tentatively, and wish I hadn’t.

Yuck. I dust myself off again, moving away from the restroom, and look up just in time to see a guy come walking past. I step widely away from the restroom door so I don't smell. He stops really close, and as he pulls his cell-phone from his pocket, it slips out of his hands and clatters to the floor.

I turn slightly, and bend down to get it for him. "Here you go," I say. Why was this strange? I remembered those pants from somewhere and those shoes and that shirt...I’d seen him before. Why didn't I realize earlier? It was that boy I like!

He has earphones in, and when he sees me pick up his cell, he takes them out. I hand him the phone. His jade-green eyes under those dark lashes look at me.

"Thanks," he says, but instead of taking it, he puts his hand over mine. He looks into my eyes. I need to say something! They follow my face making him look curious about what I'm thinking. I realize I'm holding on to his phone.

"Oh, uh…you're welcome."

He nods, finally removing his hand, with the cell in it. Why is he staring at my face? I always get shy whenever people look straight at me. It feels like they can figure out my expression and think all the wrong things about me. But it's cute. The way he looks at me.

Blood rushes to my face. Oh, I’m ruining it again! I hastily turn away, feeling completely defeated. I want to run outside and scream!

"Oh, your..." I look back at him as he mumbles something, to see he's leaning down to get something of the carpet. "You dropped your iPod."

"Thanks,” I mumble looking at the floor. Why do I do that? Gosh, it's like chemical reactions are going off in my head!

"You're welcome." He gives it to me. " So, what are-" he sais.

"Seth, come on, you're holding us up! Aren't you hungry?" a man's voice calls from the other room.

"I'm coming!" he yells back.

" Gosh, I hate it when he does that. Still, I have to deal with him always bothering me because he's my best friend." He says friendly.

"Your name is Seth?" I ask shyly.

His green eyes follow mine. "Yup, what's yours?"

I stutter a few times before blurting out, "My name's Paige." I can't believe I'm talking to him! I remember when he saw me for the first time and we always had that 'thing' for each other.

"Cool name. Umm…are you going outside for the bonfire now?" he asks, and I note the adorable way his brown hair is always falling over one eye.

"Yeah, I just came in for some non-smoky air," I tell him.

His eyes twinkle – it's so beautiful, somehow. "Are you in middle school?" he asks.

"Going into high school in August. What about you?" I smile just to return his – well, and to look cute, of course.

"Ninth going into tenth," he says, rubbing his shoulder in a way I can only interpret as embarrassment. His eyes wander around the hallway. What was he going to say? Just tell me!

" Ok, well I have to go, bye..." I said walking away as there is a major pause. I'm trying to think about what he meant to say. There was something he was going to tell me, wasn't there?

“Oh, there you are, Seth--uhm, is this the girl?” A familiar looking man stands at my end of the hallway coming nearer. He shivers from being outside. "Hurry up, guys, I don't want you messing around back here – haha." Oh, bother.

Seth’s face turns red. "So...if you want to, you can sit with me at the bonfire...tell stories, and whatever...else there is." He looks back to me waiting for my call. I knew it. He did want to tell me something.

"Sure, that sounds fine," I tell him sweetly. My first crush asking me to sit with him! I desperately want to know what he's thinking. We walk back outside, and the breeze is stronger.

"It's cold out here isn't it?" he says. The bonfire is bigger now. Music fills my ears. I find a place to sit with him. I nod.

"So, what do you want to talk about?" he asks.

"I don't know," I tell him. He grabs a guitar. I wonder where that came from? Oh, it's Quinn's. Funny how he just takes it off it's lean on the tree behind us.

"Hmm, know any songs?" He holds it out to me.

"I might know a couple, but I can't promise the best song of the decade," I warn him. He smiles.

"It doesn't matter, as long as it's noise.” He leans back against the tree behind us, looking into the sky as I play a few Christian songs I heard over the radio a couple days back. I keep looking at him. His expression is contented, even happy, but still awfully shy.

"You stopped playing." What did he mean? Oh, I accidentally stopped playing the guitar. I guess I got distracted, paying too much attention to Seth.

" I'm sorry, I'm just…” I pause - dare I say everything I’ve ever felt about him? …No, I can’t, not yet anyway. "I’m just distracted, that's all. Do you want to play?"

He grabs the guitar neck and situates it just so. He strums the chords. "It takes just a little practice to get it right. Do you know ‘You Found Me,’ by ‘The Fray’?"

"Oh my gosh, yes! I love it. But I can't keep up with the words,” I say. He nods as he strums different notes.

"I'll sing it to you, then…

Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me

Lying on the floor

Surrounded, surrounded

Why’d you have to wait?

Where were you, where were you?

Just a little late...

You found me, you found me...”

By the time he finishes, our faces are close together. His green eyes reflect the flickering depths of the bonfire – oh, yes, do I want to kiss him! I've seen it in movies...imagined it in books...what would a real kiss be like?

He leans just a little bit closer. "You found me," I whisper.Maybe he didn't hear. I didn't really want him too. I kind of just said it. Impulse. He shuts his eyes. I think this is what people feel when they have their first kiss – It ends. It was just a second or two. It was wonderful! Like kissing a snowflake right before it passes the lips to melt on the ground.

He pulls away and smiles . My hands start shaking, but why I’m not completely sure.

"Why don't we join the others and eat?" I murmur, still sort of mesmerized by the fiery light in his eyes. He puts his guitar leaning on the tree behind us.

"As long as you don't keep blushing every time you see me. Now you can just come up to me and tell me all you want. I know more about you now, no need for shyness," he says. So he actually noticed my shy side! He's really one in a million. I'm so glad he’s even here tonight. He grabs my hand and pulls me to the middle-school group.

Maybe it's true love, or just a little crush.I'm not sure, but tonight explained it... I just couldn't under stand it completely, but it was a powerful feeling blowing through me.


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Points: 1418
Reviews: 4

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Tue Jun 09, 2009 8:22 am
wildfire wrote a review...



Hi Pacific sky!!
The story line is very nice, a typical first crush happy ending:) I think that I'll comment on some of the words that you've used that are somehow not right. Like Mark Twain said, The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and the lightening bug! Use whichever makes sense to you:)

"I imagine others seeing me, the eighth grader on the rock in a bad mood. No, I'm not though, it's just I'm tired, it's ten at night and I need a breath of cool air."
-I think here the 'no' should be taken out. The style of your writing is the narrative style here. When you add 'no' there it suddenly shifts to the speaking style.

"Looking down, I can see my green shorts have clumpy dry dirt attached all over them. I brush it off. Who wants that on their clothes?"
-I think the word attached here doesn't sound right. Maybe 'stuck' would be better? And also, "Who wants that on their clothes?" seems like an extra. It is not needed there.

"I dust myself off again, moving away from the restroom, and look up just in time to see a guy come walking past"
-"walking past"? Wouldn't "walking in my direction" or "walking towards me" sound better? Or if you meant he walks a little past her then maybe you should say "a guy walk past me" and take out the "come". It sorta confuses the reader.


""I don't know," I tell him. He grabs a guitar."
- Maybe you should put in something like "he considers a moment and then he grabs a guitar". Because it sounds like he wasn't even listening to her. It's a bit too sudden. Also, the word 'grab' sorta spoiled the flow for me. Maybe you should use something like "he picks up his guitar". Something less..mm... violent?:) - for want of a better word. Also 'his' because it seems like the guitar simply appears out of nowhere. If you say 'his guitar', it doesn't seem so out of place.

Also, in the kiss part of the story, I read a little further and I was like, is the kiss already over?!. I think you should say something after "He shuts his eyes" like "he leans forward and the next moment - oh! It's wonderful!" and then go on with the next line.

The story goes from the portrayal of just a crush to love too soon. But then again i guess that's how first crushes are when you still have no experience, for some girls... I like how you began the story a lot. When you narrate all these seemingly insignificant things that comprise a normal day before you bring him into the picture. It's like saying you never know what might happen!=)

Well, so those are some of the things i felt. I hope I helped. This is my first time so i hope I did some good!! And that I wasn't harsh anywhere.. Keep writing. I'm sure you'll do very well=)

wildfire




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121 Reviews


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Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:33 pm
SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote a review...



Very cute short story you have on your hands! I liked it, honestly. The only thing is, dialogue. It needs dialogue. I didn't know that untill I went onto YWS. But just as a reminder, some people on this are real grammar freaks, if you know what I mean. Keep writing! x




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Mon Jun 08, 2009 6:10 am
Sela Locke wrote a review...



Okay, before anything else, I just want to say that this was adorable. Straight-up, no strings attached, adorable.

Onto the review!

This is a short story, yes? Well, in short stories, I, for one, find it sometimes a rather lot harder to develop character -- less time, you see. While I usually hunt stories down and tear them to pieces, this one I'm going to go rather easy on, because I liked it and because I know what it's like to just get on here and suddenly be ripped into bite-sized bits by a particularly avid critic.

The first thing you can work on here, Miss Pacific, is paragraphs. The rule of paragraphs is, Whenever a new subject or idea is introduced, or whenever a different person speaks, a new paragraph begins. That's pretty much it. Here, I'll space and fix this up for you, 'kay?

The night is breezy and the starry sky shines over my church. I can feel the wind pass over my shoulders. The middle-schoolers sit by the bonfire cooking marshmallows for s’mores. The summer heat is digging into my body. I imagine others seeing me, the eighth grader on the rock in a bad mood. No, I'm not though, it's just I'm tired, it's ten at night and I need a breath of cool air.

I walk from the church's backyard to a group leader by the front doors.

"I need to use the restroom." I say. Although it’s a white lie, I might need to do that anyway. I walk inside. The room is full of fresh air. Looking down, I can see my green shorts have clumpy dry dirt attached all over them. I brush it off. Who wants that on their clothes?

The voices traveling from another room become louder. A group of highschoolers walk into the lobby and find their way to different sections in the room. People pass me on my way to the restroom, coming from upstairs.

Suddenly the restroom door, now only feet away, slams open, and a big lady rushes out, laughing.

What’s up with her? I think, watching as she turns into a separate hallway. I reach out to finally open the door into the restroom, but something holds it in place, then suddenly pulls it open, and I fly backwards. A little girl in golden pigtails pops out, pinching her nose shut with her fingers.

"Don't go in there! It smells!" she says, and then runs off. I sniff the room tentatively, and then wish I hadn’t.

Yuck. I dust myself off again, moving away from the restroom, and look up just in time to see a guy come walking past. He stops really close, and as he pulls his cell-phone form his pocket, it slips out of his hands and clatters to the floor.

I turn slightly, and bend down to get it for him. "Here you go," I say. Why was this strange? I remembered those pants from somewhere and those shoes and that shirt...I’d seen him before. Why didn't I realize earlier? It was that boy I like!

He has earphones in, and when he sees me pick up his cell, he takes them out. I hand him the phone.

"Thanks," he says, but instead of taking it, he puts his hand over mine. He looks into my eyes. I need to say something!

"Oh, uh…you're welcome."

He nods, finally removing his hand, with the cell in it. Why is he staring at my face? I always get shy whenever people look straight at me. It feels like they can figure out my expression and think all the wrong things about me.

Blood rushes to my face. Oh, I’m ruining it again! I hastily turn away, feeling completely defeated.

"Oh, your..." I look back at him as he mumbles something, to see he's leaning down to get something of the carpet. "You dropped your iPod."

"Thanks,” I mumble.

"You're welcome." He gives it to me.

"Seth, come on, you're holding us up! Aren't you hungry?" a man's voice calls from the other room.

"I'm coming!" he yells back.

"Your name is Seth?" I ask shyly.

His green eyes follow mine. "Yup, what's yours?"

I stutter a few times before blurting out, "My name's Paige." I can't believe I'm talking to him! I remember when he saw me for the first time and we always had that 'thing' for each other.

"Cool name. Umm…are you going outside for the bonfire now?" he asks, and I note the adorable way his brown hair is always falling over one eye.

"Yeah, I just came in for some non-smoky air," I tell him.

His eyes twinkle – it's so beautiful, somehow. "Are you in middle school?" he asks.

"Going into high school in August. What about you?" I smile just to return his – well, and to look cute, of course.

"Ninth going into tenth," he says, rubbing his shoulder in a way I can only interpret as embarrassment. His eyes wander around the hallway.

“Oh, there you are, Seth--uhm, is this the girl?” A familiar looking man stands at the other end of the hallway. "Hurry up, kids, I don't want you messing around back here – haha."

Seth’s face turns red. "So...if you want to, you can sit with me at the bonfire...tell stories, and whatever...else there is." He looks back to me waiting for my call.

"Sure, that sounds fine," I tell him. I want desperately to know what he's thinking. We walk back outside, and the breeze is stronger.

"It's cold out here isn't it?" he says. The bonfire is bigger now. Music fills my ears. I find a place to sit with him.

"So, what do you want to talk about?" he asks.

"I don't know," I tell him. He grabs a guitar.

"Hmm, know any songs?" He holds it out to me.

"I might know a couple, but I can't promise the best song of the decade," I warn him. He smiles.

"It doesn't matter, as long as it's noise.” He leans back against the tree behind us, looking into the sky as I play a few Christian songs I heard over the radio a couple days back. I keep looking at him. His expression is contented, even happy, but still awfully shy.

"You stopped playing." What did he mean? Oh, I accidentally stopped playing the guitar. I guess I got distracted, paying too much attention to Seth. " I'm sorry, I'm just…” I pause - dare I say everything I’ve ever felt about him? …No, I can’t, not yet anyway. "I’m just distracted, that's all. Do you want to play?"

He grabs the guitar neck and situates it just so. He strums the chords. "It takes just a little practice to get it right. Do you know ‘You Found Me,’ by ‘The Fray’?"

"Oh my gosh, yes! I love it. But I can't keep up with the words,” I say. He nods as he strums different notes.

"I'll sing it to you, then…

Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me

Lying on the floor

Surrounded, surrounded

Why’d you have to wait?

Where were you, where were you?

Just a little late

You found me, you found me...”

By the time he finishes, our faces are close together. His green eyes reflect the flickering depths of the bonfire – oh, yes, do I want to kiss him!

He leans just a little bit closer. "You found me," I say. He shuts his eyes. I think this is what people feel when they have their first kiss – love. Finally, after so long, I find someone so different from everyone else, just for me.

He pulls away and smiles again. My hands start shaking, but why I’m not completely sure.

"Why don't we join the others and eat?" I murmur, still sort of mesmerized by the fiery light in his eyes. He puts his guitar leaning on the tree behind us.

"As long as you don't keep blushing every time you see me. Now you can just come up to me and tell me all you want. I'm yours now, no need for shyness," he says. So he actually noticed my shy side! He's really one in a million. I'm so glad he’s even here tonight. He grabs my hand and pulls me to the middle-school group.

"And remember, it all started here." And it did, everything I was looking for. It was perfect. So young, here I am, and there he is.

Found.


That's my fix-up. Use it, if you want, as a guide-line when you edit your story, 'kay?

There were a few confusing bits, and I think it'd be much better if you added some quirks to Paige - right now the narrative is a bit dry. But most of the dialogue was really cute, and I liked Seth.

I'd love to chat on and on, but I probably should get going now. Just one thing I noticed throughout the story -- you tell a lot, as opposed to showing, and that might be part of the reason the narrative is so, well, dry. I saw this quote somewhere, I think it was...Anton Chekhov? Or Isaac Singer. Not sure which. Anyways, here's the perfect definition of showing vs. telling:

Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.

See what I mean? I hope so - I feel I'm making a rather small amount of sense right now. ;-;

Anyways, I have to go. I hope other reviewers can expound a bit on my mostly useless chattering. I really did like your story, though, as with every piece, it had a few faults, and I'm hoping to see more of your stuff soon!

Good luck, cheri.

-SELA

P.S. You switched back and forth from past to present tense in your story, and that really messes up the flow; try to pick one tense and stick with it, if you can. When I edited it, I made it present tense, but it's totally up to you, either way. Seeya! ^_^




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Reviews: 5

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Mon Jun 08, 2009 1:33 am
rae222 wrote a review...



Hello! I’m new to the site and I hope it’s okay if I critique your work. It’s a very cute story, but it gets a bit confusing in the last paragraph with the instantaneous love. I think it would be more helpful to the reader if Seth had more dialogue or action so we could see why he’s so awesome. Also it’s says not sais. When I post some stories I hope you’ll do the same critiquing for me as I am no where near perfect.





You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.
— Anne Lamott