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Rage

by Paavnithareja


RAGE

Because now, you; the one who cared a lot at one point of time, the one who was innocent and thought everyone else was too, the one who was utilized in every aspect and was not even asked if I was dead or alive anymore. Now I am just a passer by. And you are also one of them. Though, It still hurt, it still pained , but still heart wore a blanket of feelings I had for him , HE WAS THE ONE WHO WORE THE MASKS and pretend that he had no feelings and the truth was, "he was a man with no heart as well". Alone here she stand up on the edge of her life, just in a longing to leave this point and travel far into and deep dive.

“Losing him wasn't a story she remembered from early childhood . It was in her face, debilitating her like a sickness, robbing her of all senses and physically, excruciatingly painful. her mother's words echoed in her ear . She had to fight for, and She went down fighting. None of it was ever going to be enough.”

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Points: 158
Reviews: 8

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Wed Oct 19, 2016 10:29 pm
cedesxana wrote a review...



Firstly, this was a strongly written piece. However, I think this should have been done in a poem form so that the dramatic effect of it could be felt.

"Though, It still hurt, it still pained , but still heart wore a blanket of feelings I had for him , HE WAS THE ONE WHO WORE THE MASKS and pretend that he had no feelings and the truth was, "he was a man with no heart as well".

The above piece from your artistic piece, had a few errors. Namely:

1) "Though, It still hurt, it still pained", should have read, "Though it still hurts, still pains..."
2)"Though, It still hurt, it still pained , but still heart wore a blanket of feelings I had for him , HE WAS THE ONE WHO WORE THE MASKS" should have read "Though it still hurts, still pains, though I still wear a blanket of feelings I had for him, he appeared to be the only one who wore the masks...."
3)"....It was in her face, debilitating her like a sickness, robbing her of all senses and physically, excruciatingly painful." should have read "....It was in her face, debilitating her like a sickness, robbing her of all senses causing her physical excruciating pain."

Keep up the good work!
-M.




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5 Reviews


Points: 21
Reviews: 5

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Wed Oct 19, 2016 6:40 pm
oldschoolsweetheart wrote a review...



this reminded me of a painful time in my life. “Losing him wasn't a story she remembered from early childhood . It was in her face, debilitating her like a sickness, robbing her of all senses and physically, excruciatingly painful." definitely my favorite line. I believe we have all been there at least once in our lives. Lessons of life can be rather painful, but necessary in order for us to grow, and be wiser adults in the future.

Keep up the good work, and follow your dreams.

Johanna <3




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30 Reviews


Points: 154
Reviews: 30

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Wed Oct 19, 2016 12:49 pm
Zackymas wrote a review...



Here for a short review~

Foremost, I think your message would've traveled across better if this was a poem. The nature of it makes one read it that way. And that's the problem here, in prose you have to make sure your message goes across and hits the reader in the face (in my opinion). This kind of artistic ambiguity is something poetry can get away with. I'm not saying prose can't be artistically vague, but when doing it you should really know what you are doing.

"Because now, you; the one who cared a lot at one point of time, the one who was innocent and thought everyone else was too, the one who was utilized in every aspect and was not even asked if I was dead or alive anymore."

As I began reading, I felt compelled with the first few fractions of this sentence. I especially felt personalized here, since I'm that type of person that cares about everyone, even if they are total jerks (ISFJ :p). However, when I reached the "if I was dead or alive anymore" fraction I was lost. For some time I thought (I still do to some degree) you meant to type 'you' instead of 'I.' Then I thought you meant I (the reader) stopped caring.

After this point everything becomes so vague and 'artistic' really it's hard to judge. Mainly because you can't decompose what you can't understand.



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yeah thank you so much . i appreciate whatever you said



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Points: 558
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Wed Oct 19, 2016 11:13 am
royevans wrote a review...



hello! Paavnithare great work, nice flow of ideas, pretty good wording,I'll say. Roy, here to give an idea.
How about writing this piece into poem forms? I think this can make it pretty good.
I also think there was no need for the italization and the capitalization.
Otherwise,maintained flow of ideas and event will make it interesting.



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everybody advice me to write this into poem but i am not a poet . basically i have difficulties in writing down poems and so as i write in paragraphs.




What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines